FILM FOCUS: THE WORST WITCH

My good friend Liz has an impressive DVD collection and while at her apartment this past weekend it was much to my delight to discover that she owned The Worst Witch.  Since Nick had never seen it the three of us settled down to watch, though I don’t think he was quite prepared for what unfolded (and he only fell asleep for part of it).

The Worst Witch is a made-for-TV movie from 1986 based on the first book in a British series; I remember seeking out the book at my elementary school library as a kid and while it’s a pretty faithful adaptation I preferred the film, which is a bit zanier.  Relatively obscure here in the States, in the U.K. The Worst Witch is a veritable franchise, with the book series, a TV series and, I just discovered, even a spinoff “college years” series with a darker tone.  It’s also impossible not to overlook the wild similarities between the world of The Worst Witch and a certain later series of books and films that also feature a school of witchcraft, a stern-yet-somewhat-sympathetic antagonist teacher and a blond, snobby rival. 

Before Professor Snape there was Miss Hardbroom.

The premise is simple: Mildred Hubble (a young Fairuza Balk, who would grow up to play another notable witch in The Craft) is a hapless student of witchcraft at Miss Cackle’s Academy for Witches.  The character names in The Worst Witch are a treat for the tongue: Mildred, Ethel, Miss Cackle, Miss Hardbroom.  It’s a good thing I’m not having kids because my daughter would totally be named Cackle Hardbroom.  The non-existent Cackle Hardbroom would probably fare about as well as Mildred does at school: she messes up her spells, gets teased by blond bitch Ethel (my favorite character) and earns the disapproval of her teacher Miss Hardbroom.

Ethel's got the look.  It's all in the eyebrows.

After a series of mishaps (including turning Ethel into a pig) Mildred is sabotaged by a cursed broom and ends up botching the Halloween-night flying exhibition in front of the Grand High Wizard (an amazing Tim Curry).  She eventually redeems herself by exposing a group of evil witches, led by Miss Cackle’s twin sister, who plan to take over the school.  After turning them into slugs she wins the approval and admiration of her teachers and peers.

Sounds pretty standard, no?  But The Worst Witch is fucking bananas.  Half of its weirdness comes from the extremely low-budget special effects but the other half comes from the fact that it’s just plain crazy.  Take Miss Cackle’s evil twin sister Agatha (both characters are played by The Facts of Life’s Charlotte Rae).  She’s got pink hair and a Southern accent (her twin sister is British but this is never explained) and is the campiest witch this side of Witchy Poo.  She and her fellow hags are basically drag queens who hang out in the woods.  And they have a musical number.

Coincidentally, my drag name is also Agatha Cackle.

The music is the most memorable thing about The Worst Witch.  The opening song (“growing up/isn’t easy…”) is wildly infectious (like a disease!).  But if there is one thing to take away from this movie, one thing to remember for all time, to reflect upon, study, memorialize and watch over and over and over, it’s this:

I assume you’re rubbing the glitter out of your eyes and are a bit dazed so take a few minutes to collect yourself.  Then go out and watch The Worst Witch if you haven’t seen it, or go re-watch it (again and again).  It’s deserving of your love.  And just remember…

Anything can happen on Halloween!