SPECIAL SPOTLIGHT: NICKELODEON'S ULTIMATE HALLOWEEN HAUNTED HOUSE

I was recently traveling for work, which meant I was cut off from our TIVO and forced to watch TV in real time in my hotel room, suffering through commercials and whatever random programming happened to be on.  I’ve discovered over the years that one of the few things you can rely on when it comes to TV at odd hours is that SpongeBob Squarepants is likely playing, and that it’s usually your best bet (unless you enjoy reality shows about fish tanks, naked survivalists or men who use chainsaws to make stuff out of wood).  So because I was watching SpongeBob on Nickelodeon I caught a commercial for a special called Nickelodeon’s Ultimate Halloween Haunted House.  Naturally, I was intrigued.

The next day, returned to civilization and our trusty TIVO, I set it to record this special with the rather exhaustingly long name.  I enjoy a good walk-through haunted maze or house, and it looked reminiscent of the old Nickelodeon game shows Fun House or Legends of the Hidden Temple, in which kids navigated elaborate play structures for lame prizes.  The gimmick here is that the kids in questions are all actors from Nickelodeon shows.  Our host was the actor who plays Manny from Modern Family. Why, you ask? At some point he shouted something about loving Halloween, but otherwise I have no idea why he qualified to serve as host for a haunted house Halloween show.  Also, how old is Manny?  Is he 18?  12?  21?  I had a hard time pinpointing the ages of all of the participants, as they seemed to vacillate between actual kids, annoyingly precocious tweens and weirdly stunted early twentysomethings.

Watching this made me feel very old and of touch, because with the exception of Manny and one random girl from Dance Moms (a guilty pleasure of mine) I’d never heard of any of these child-adult actors or the shows they hailed from.  Here’s my break down of the three sets of participants and my best-worst guesses at the shows they star in:

Manny, Girl, Boy, JoJo from Dance Moms

Boy & Girl from Harvey Danger

The girl was likeable and unassuming, aside from her weird, shiny silver jacket.  The boy was disconcerting, since he had an androgynous, ageless quality about him and looked like Ellen DeGeneres and Justin Bieber were cloned into a single, floppy-haired being.  As for Harvey Danger, I’m thinking it’s a show about kid spies?  Or kid stunt doubles?

Four Kids from Game Shakers

This was my favorite group, just because they all looked and acted like actual kids.  One girl had glasses and a cardigan, lending her a sort of 1950ish vibe that I appreciated.  I’ve seen commercials for Game Shakers before, and from what I can tell it’s about kids who play video games and have adventures. 

Legendary Dudas?!

Two Boys from Legendary Dudas Plus the Miz

This was the most inexplicable group.  What the fuck is Legendary Dudas?  Does it have something to do with wrestling, because otherwise why did they pair them with the Miz, who is very much an adult and a wrestler/former Real World cast member?  I didn’t like the Miz when he was on the Real World (which I watched devotedly, back in the day) and I don’t particularly care for him now, either.  Seriously, he has the dumbest wrestling moniker ever.  The two Dudas boys seemed genuinely frightened throughout, while the Miz, who has to be like 40 now, calmly walked around with them and was totally unaffected by the spooky surroundings. 

And now for the main attraction: the haunted house!  Which, unfortunately, was a major letdown.  This was the least scary haunted house ever, even by kid standards.  There were several rooms, each room containing a key that our aforementioned contestants had to locate.  Each room was rather disappointing and sparsely decorated.  There was a library where the scariest thing that happened was some books falling off a shelf.  An indoor pumpkin patch with a scarecrow who came to life (yawn).  A laboratory with some very fake-looking bones, purchased at Party City.  I know this because there was an entire two-minute segment devoted to two other child actors buying random things at Party City.

Look out-- it's a phonograph!

I was expecting big budget special effects—elaborate sets, secret passageways, lasers and other mind-blowing things.  Instead we get Manny sitting at a bank of video monitors saying “’cue Jojo from Dance Moms to sit in a rocking chair dressed like a giant rag doll!”  The kids all acted appropriately terrified, but since they’re all actors I kept wondering if they were actually scared or just playing it up for the cameras.

If there was a winner, I can’t remember who it was or what they won or even if all of the kids survived.  So Nickelodeon’s Ultimate Halloween Haunted House was ultimately a bust, save that it made me feel very out of touch and confused and left me with a hankering to buy fake bones at Party City.

SUMMER LOVE

Hey Arnold!

Season 4 (2000)

This special, extra-long episode of Hey Arnold! starts with some catchy surf music and the classic “bell ringing as students burst out the school doors on the last day of school” opening.  Arnold heads to the beach with his grandparents and their tenants/surrogate family only to discover his stalker Helga is sharing the other half of their beach house duplex.  The central story concerns a love triangle between Arnold, Helga and new girl Summer (her name is what the episode is!  Get it?!) but there are also about a hundred subplots that I’ll get to below.

But first for the A story-- the alluring Summer (the girl, not the season) approaches Arnold on the beach, complimenting his sand castle (FORESHADOWING!).  Summer and Arnold begin to while away the days together, but Helga soon discovers that Summer is only interested in having Arnold build her a winning sand castle for a local contest so she can win a role on “Babe Watch”, after which she will promptly dump him for her real boyfriend, aptly named Sandy.  Boy, the writers really threw in the towel when it came to naming characters for this episode.

Helga does her best to convince Arnold of Summer’s wicked ways, but due to her history of horribleness Arnold doesn’t believe her.  Eventually the truth is revealed and Arnold and Helga team up to build the winning sandcastle together and then film a slightly creepy CPR-kiss scene on the aforementioned “Babe Watch.”

Overall it’s a cute storyline but it’s somewhat overshadowed by the gazillion B stories going on simultaneously.  The best part of the episode is Summer, who makes for a very attractive summer romance-- and I write that as a human adult gay man (as opposed to a cartoon pre-teen straight boy).  She’s every pre-teen boy’s fantasy: tan, blonde and belly-shirted.  I don’t blame Arnold for falling for her and I’m surprised Helga doesn’t either (I so get future lesbian vibes from Helga).

The many subplots are a bit more fun, if not overwhelming.  Grandpa gets stranded on an island and is rescued by two Rastafarians.  Grandma surfs, discovers a nude beach and then surfs nude.  Oscar combs the beach with a metal detector, eventually stealing people’s belongings.  Ernie gets buried in the sand (and then sat on) while Mr. Hyunh searches for him.  Big Bob, Helga’s dad, is sunburned and forced to stay inside while his wife is wooed by a Latin dance teacher.  Whew!  They really cram a lot in.

Hey Arnold! always did a good job of mixing the kid and adult characters, but in this episode the adults are far more interesting.  Helga’s drunken mom, who clutches a blender to her chest for most of the episode and later drinks some sort of red concoction directly out of it, steals the show for me.  I also really like the glimpses we’re given of the beach town, which looks so cozy and picturesque I’m ready to move there.

Summer Quotient: 4

Further Reading: I recently learned that several novelizations were made of certain Hey Arnold! episodes, including this one.  I haven't added it to my holiday TV tie-in book collection as of yet, but used copies are out there if you're interested!

See It, Skip It, Own It?

This is perfect TV viewing for that wistful, end of summer, youth-is-fleeting, nostalgia vibe (especially for those of us raised on the Golden Age of Nickelodeon).  See it!

CHEESEBURGERS IN PARADISE

Salute Your Shorts

Season 1 (1991)

When I think of summer camp, I immediately think of Salute Your Shorts.  While re-watching just the first scene of “Cheeseburgers in Paradise” I was immediately struck by how my childhood favorite, Salute Your Shorts, and Orange Is the New Black, one of my current TV favorites, are exactly the same show.  The opening scene of this episode has the red-haired bully Budnick dealing contraband food disguised as everyday objects.  Orange Is the New Black has the character of Red, who deals in contraband food.  Counselor Ug is just like the prison guard Pornstache.  Both shows deal with confinement, rule-breaking, bullies, bad cafeteria food—this episode of Salute Your Shorts even has a prison break of sorts!  The list of similarities is endless..

First, a programming note: the version of this episode that I have, purchased from iTunes (also on Amazon), is titled "Cheeseburgers in Paradise."  However online it's widely called "Donkeylips and Sponge Weigh In."  I can't verify which once is the correct title, but both work well enough.

Now, a warning: watching this particular episode of Salute Your Shorts will make you hungry.  It’s all about food: good food, bad food, and the repercussions of food on all of our lives.  In this episode campers Sponge and Donkeylips are both trying to enter a wrestling competition, the winner of which gets a lobster dinner at a fancy restaurant (because kids go crazy for lobster!).  Sponge is underweight and Donkeylips overweight, so resident jock Telly serves as their trainer, having them respectively bulk up on bananas and run laps.  As a kid I was the size of wispy Sponge—sadly as an adult I find myself relating to Donkeylips.  Times sure have changed-- I’m going to the gym when I finish writing this post!

Meanwhile the other campers, disgusted by the camp’s “Bratwurst Surprise,” are plotting to order food from a local hamburger joint.  Budnick eventually forces Sponge and Donkeylips to go and buy the contraband food, with Ug hot on their trail.  Despite a series of mishaps they managed to smuggle the food into camp and everyone devours it before Ug discovers them.  However when it comes time for their final weigh-in, both boys have the food wrappers stuffed under their clothes and they can’t shed the extra weight without busting everyone.  Don’t worry; it has a happy ending, as they both manage to meet their weight goals even with the burger wrappers stuffed down their sweatshirts.

This episode is surprisingly poignant, as both Sponge and Donkeylips bond over being bullied about their size.  The friendship that grows between them is really sweet and genuine, especially for Donkeylips, who only wants to win a wrestling trophy to impress his neglectful parents.  Even Ug, normally the antagonist, is rather nice and supportive in this episode, as he’s rooting for the boys to make their goals.

And then there’s the food!  Sponge and Donkeylips sneak off to a place that’s called “The Tummy Pleaser.”  For such a small place in the middle of the woods, it has an impressively large menu: burgers, tuna salad, pies, tacos, tamales, and frozen yogurt are all seen or advertised.  The scene in which the kids wolf down their burgers will have you hearing the siren song of McDonald’s.  Even better, the music that plays during the eating montage is the same music heard in beloved TV special The Halloween That Almost Wasn’t!  One scene has kids eating hamburgers and the other a witch flying across the night sky, but the score is one and the same.  This type of TV synergy is what I live for!

Apparently I'm not the only one with fond memories of this episode, because someone created this awesome fan art of Donkeylips carting Sponge to The Tummy Pleaser in a wheelbarrow:

Camp Activities: Wrestling, Running the Mile, Eating

Camp Quotient: It’s pretty darn campy, earning a 4.

See It, Skip It, Own It?

I think I’ve effectively established that Salute Your Shorts is awesome.  Sadly only about half of the series is available for purchase via download. We need a full DVD release!

ARNOLD'S THANKSGIVING

Hey Arnold!

Season 3 (1998)

Hey Arnold! is part of the 90s Nickelodeon pantheon of awesome animated shows, including some terrific holiday episodes.  In “Arnold’s Thanksgiving” two of the main characters, Arnold and Helga, finds themselves longing to escape their eccentric families and experience a normal Thanksgiving for once.  Arnold’s frequently confused grandmother insists they celebrate the 4^th of July every Thanksgiving, complete with a rooftop barbeque and fireworks.  With the hindsight of adulthood her apparent dementia is tragic but it’s played entirely for laughs on the show.  Meanwhile Helga’s perfect older sister Olga overshadows her and her (admittedly pathetic-looking) pinecone centerpiece.

Pinecone Centerpiece = Nice try, Helga

Both Helga and Arnold slip away and end up meeting on the docks.  After watching a replica of the Mayflower crash and sink they decided to seek out their teacher, Mr. Simmons.  He earlier wrote and directed a school pageant portraying the perfect Thanksgiving so the kids think he’ll provide one in real life as well.  Mr. Simmons welcomes them into his home but his friends and family turn out to be horrible, argumentative and gluttonous.  Realizing they don’t have it so bad after all Arnold and Helga return to their own worried and grateful families.

By far the greatest thing about this episode is the not-so-subtle revelation that Mr. Simmons is gay.  One of his guests, a mustachioed gentleman named Al, spends the dinner bickering with Mr. Simmons’ mother, who is none too pleased at Al's presence.  When she suggests Mr. Simmons take a female friend out on a date, he casts Al a nervous look and quickly tells his mother that he already has plans.  If I saw this when I was younger it certainly flew over my head, though it’s made screamingly obvious.  The show’s creator has apparently confirmed that Mr. Simmons was gay, although it was never stated outright on the show.  Pleasantly progressive stuff for a 90s kids show!

You go, Mr. Simmons! Seen here at the head of the table.

There are also tons of great Thanksgiving moments, whether it’s the opening pageant scene, Olga’s kitchen preparations, or a store window displaying a Thanksgiving meal that both Arnold and Helga gaze wistfully at.  Even the jazzy score helps set the mood for this urban and surprisingly urbane Thanksgiving adventure.

The Menu: We get multiple meals over the course of the episode, including but not limited to Turkey, Stuffing, Mashed Potatoes, Peas, Corn, Pie, Hamburgers & Hot Dogs

Thanksgiving Quotient: 5

See It, Skip It, Own It?

This episode is dripping in Thanksgiving details and you’ll need multiple viewings to enjoy it all, so add it to your permanent collection!

THE GHOST STORY (AKA ZEKE THE PLUMBER)

Salute Your Shorts

Season 1 (1991)

I am lucky enough to have grown up in the Golden Age of Nickelodeon, an embarrassment of riches in terms of kid TV shows.  Salute Your Shorts was my favorite among the live-action offerings (Rugrats takes the best animated show award and I will happily debate any of you about these choices).  Since Salute Your Shorts took place entirely at a summer camp the writers were hard-pressed to include holiday episodes, but in lieu of a proper Halloween episode they came up with this spooky alternative (a tried and true TV tradition).  They even found a way to sneak in a jack o’lantern.

Ug, scary story time and some taper candles.

The campers get together for a scary story night during which Budnick tells the tale of former Camp Anawanna janitor-plumber Zeke.  Having lost his nose and sense of smell due to an unfortunate parrot incident Zeke couldn’t detect a gas leak until it was too late, lighting a match and blowing himself to smithereens.  Now he haunts campers’ dreams with his cursed plunger.  Having touched the plunger, Telly and Michael both have nightmares about Zeke.  Oh, Nickelodeon!  Such halcyon days full of childlike wonder and

OHMYGODWHATTHEFUCKISTHISHELPMEGODMAKEITGOAWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, Zeke is fucking terrifying.  He’s like the deranged lovechild of Freddy Krueger and Leatherface with some clown elements thrown in for good measure.  This episode is forever etched into the traumatized brains of those of us who first saw it as kids, so much so that it’s often erroneously titled just “Zeke the Plumber” online. The reason that the Nick shows of the 90s are so timeless and superior to modern kid shows is that they were smart, dark and never played down to their audience.  Zeke makes this episode genuinely scary and it vacillates between goofy comedy and adult horror-movie level frights with ease.

Anyhoo, the campers and Ug band together to scare Budnick.  He agrees to camp out on the spot where Zeke blew up and then thwarts their efforts to spook him (including one hilarious scene in which the girls knock a melon off a Budnick dummy and freak out).  Donkeylips even dons a jack o’lantern mask (because they have those lying around summer camps) and runs around the woods for most of the episode, unable to see.  Ug almost gets the better of Budnick when he shows up dressed like Zeke but the tables are turned once again and he ends swinging upside down from a tree.  But Budnick finally gets his comeuppance when his fear of spiders proves his downfall (a fear that is not-so-subtly broadcast about 20 times throughout the episode).

The gang's all here!

And now, because no one requested it, here is my idea of where all of the characters would be today.  Dina is obviously starring on the Real Housewives: Camp edition.  Telly joined the WNBA and came out (better late than never).  Ug lives in his parents’ basement.  Z.Z. has her own green products company and is best friends with Ed Begley, Jr.  Donkeylips died after chugging too much beer during a frat party.  Michael and Ronnie both got 9 to 5 jobs, married (not each other), had kids and moved to the suburbs (because they’re the boring characters no cares about).  Sponge made big money in video game design and then retired at 25, buying and running Camp Anawanna for fun.  And finally, after stints in juvie and prison, the only job Budnick could find was working as a counselor at the camp, becoming the thing he hates the most: the new Ug.

One more scare, for good measure!

Halloween Quotient: My heart wants me to give this a 5 but since it’s technically not a Halloween episode I am resigned to a 4.

See It, Skip It, Own It?

Luckily this is one a handful of episodes available for sale on Amazon and iTunes; do yourself and the world a favor and go buy all of the episodes available in the hopes that Nickelodeon will notice and give us a proper DVD release.