VALENTINE'S DAY

Roseanne
Season 3 (1991)

I was delighted to discover this Valentine’s Day episode of Roseanne; I’m a big fan of the show but somehow had never seen this.  First things first: the terrible hair!  Roseanne went through many looks over the course of the show but she’s sporting a truly awful hairstyle in this episode: cut short and dyed a weird shade of red.  Even Jackie has bad hair in this episode, eschewing her classic short hairdo for bangs and long locks.  I just had to get the hair out of the way.

The Conner men fail at Valentine's Day

We begin on Valentine’s Day morning, and Dan has forgotten the holiday.  Roseanne preys on his guilt, especially when DJ gives her a Valentine.  DJ’s Valentine turns out to be “From Warren,” as he says the one he made was no good and so he fished Warren’s discarded, gravy-stained Valentine out of the trash.  Everything in Roseanne’s life needs to be just a bit beat-up (and better yet gravy-stained), which is why the show is so relatable and true-to-life (and why the final season was so terrible!).

The greatest spin-off that never was

After consulting with Jackie, Dan reluctantly heads to the mall to buy Roseanne’s desired gift: lingerie.  This was by far my favorite part of the episode, as it introduces us to the “BIG and Beautiful” lingerie store in the Lanford Mall.  Dan, as a man surrounded by women and panties, is a nervous wreck.  Upon entering the store he’s assessed by the two sales associates, who try to determine if he’s  a pervert or just a husband.  They come to his aid but he eventually runs off without buying anything.

All kinds of yes!

The two store employees, neither of whom is plus-sized and who are named Amy and Jennifer, sport some amazing 90s looks and have a very fun dynamic.  Amy is wearing a floral Laura Ashley-type dress and has weird curlicues gelled to the sides of her face.  I was utterly amazed when I looked it up and discovered that she was played by a very young Judy Gold, a favorite comedian of mine (and if you know anything about Judy Gold and her laid-back persona, it makes sense why she looks so uncomfortable in a giant floral dress).  We as a society were robbed of our “BIG and Beautiful” spinoff show!  I would have loved to watch a show set in the store and witnessed the further adventures of Amy and Jennifer!

The main plot of the episode concerns Becky trying to help Darlene get a date for the Valentine’s Day dance, but Darlene’s crush ends up asking Becky instead, inadvertently egged on by Roseanne.  The sisters eventually work things out, and Dan ends up giving Roseanne a homemade Valentine, not the lingerie she asked for.  He writes a cute little poem and signs it “From Warren” so Roseanne forgives him and goes to the bedroom to “try it on.”

This episode also features two notable side characters.  We are first introduced to Martin Mull as Leon, Roseanne’s manager at the restaurant (and later business partner).  Leon was eventually revealed to be gay and remained a very positive gay presence on TV when such a thing was still rare (and sadly still kind of is).  The other is a cameo appearance by Baby Tobey Maguire as Jeff, one of Darlene’s crush’s friends.  So much 90s goodness packed into one great holiday episode!

I love how Roseanne is looming in the background.  Look out, Tobey!

Recurring Themes: Dan does some Last Minute Shopping.

Valentine’s Day Quotient: 3

See It, Skip It, Own It?
Worth a watch, especially is you are a fan of Roseanne and/or of 90s fashions!

GALENTINE'S DAY

Parks and Recreation 
Season 2 (2010)

Just yesterday I read that Parks and Recreation has been renewed for a seventh season.  I have very mixed feelings about this; in the show’s early years I prayed it wouldn't get cancelled but as it’s been limping its way through the current Season 6 I was somewhat hoping for a mercy killing.  This early Valentine’s Day episode demonstrates everything that was right with the show for its first 4 seasons, as well as a making glaringly obvious everything that’s wrong with it now.

We begin with Leslie Knope’s Galentine’s celebration, an annual gathering of female friends for breakfast held on February 13th.  Leslie has prepared gift bags for everyone with extremely thoughtful, handmade gifts, including portrait mosaics made from the crushed bottles of their favorite beverages.  Leslie’s manic attention to detail and obsession with perfect gift-giving is only one of many reasons why I love her!  Part of the tradition includes Leslie’s mom telling the story of her youthful lost love, a boy named Frank that she met on vacation. Frank saved her from drowning but then they were forbidden from seeing each other.

You'd be beaming too if you'd just received a portrait mosaic

The next day Leslie and the Parks & Rec crew prepare for the senior citizen Valentine’s Day dance.  Leslie’s boyfriend of the moment, lawyer Justin, hears the story from the day before and encourages Leslie to track down Frank and reunite him with her mom at the dance.  After tracking him down, they embark on a road trip to bring back Frank.

Meanwhile the rest of the crew is having romantic trials and travails of their own.  Tom is unsuccessfully attempting to woo his former green card wife.  Ann is having misgivings about her perfectly normal (and perfectly boring) relationship with Mark, despite his showering her with purposefully cliché Valentine’s Day gifts.  And April and Andy are engaged in a flirtation, even though she's involved with her bisexual boyfriend (and his tagalong boyfriend).  Leslie and Mark eventually find Frank (guest star John Larroquette), who acts increasingly odd and nervous, leading Leslie to question their plan.

Everything comes together (and falls apart at the dance).  April dumps her obnoxious hipster boyfriend after he can’t stop making fun of the senior citizens, and cloaking everything “in, like, fifteen layers of irony.”  Tom gets turned down, yet again.  Leslie tries to call off the reunion due to Frank’s bizarre behavior, but Justin eggs him on.  It’s predictably disastrous, with Frank proving himself a legit weirdo.  Ron and Leslie have a conversation in which Ron sagely identifies Justin as a “tourist,” someone who jumps into people’s lives, gathers stories, and doesn’t consider others’ feelings.  

Leslie & The Tourist

The characters of Parks and Recreation and the show itself always had a lot of heart and this shines through in this episode, such as a tender moment in which hard-shelled April tells an elderly couple how adorable they are.  I also love the subtle douchery of Justin (played by Justin Theroux) in this episode.  He’s a seemingly nice and interesting guy but is really a stealth asshole, and its this type of layered characterization that I’m afraid the show has lost in its later seasons.  The show has gotten broader and broader: Andy has gotten dumber and more obnoxious, Leslie even more manic, the characters less believable. 

The greatest cookie in the world!

The dance scenes in this episode are bursting with Valentine sweetness, and full of pink and red décor.  Leslie’s mom is seen nibbling one of those heart-shaped, red-sprinkled supermarket sugar cookies that I absolutely live for this time of year (I once scoured half of Manhattan looking for some).  Even the music, provided by Andy’s fictional band Mouse Rat, is lovely: classic love songs slightly tweaked and providing the perfect soundtrack to the heartbreaks and new loves that unfold over the course of the episode.

Valentine’s Day Quotient: 5

See It, Skip It, Own It?
The perfect episode to get you in a sweet and sentimental mood for the holiday—go watch it!  And the entire Season 2 is worth owning.

And here's one more mosaic for the road:

DICK PUTS THE ID IN CUPID

3rd Rock from the Sun
Season 5 (2000)

Before 30 Rock there was 3rd Rock from the Sun-- though the two shows actually have absolutely nothing in common save for each having a “3” and “Rock” in their titles.  I discovered 3rd Rock from the Sun in reruns (RIP, UPN) and despite the silly premise of aliens posing as a human family it’s a very enjoyable show, bolstered by excellent performances and quirky supporting characters.  As the equal parts ego-maniacal and utterly naïve Dick Solomon, John Lithgow is pretty genius and the always funny Jane Curtin as Dick’s beleaguered girlfriend Dr. Mary Albright is equally delightful.  

I can't get enough of Valentine's Day-themed wrapping paper pics!

3rd Rock from the Sun delivered quite a few holiday episodes over the course of its run, including Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving and New Year’s shows.  This Season 5 Valentine’s Day offering is a bit uneven, as it features three different story lines  of varying quality, but all related to the holiday.  The first story concerns Dick’s discovery that his girlfriend Mary is in therapy.  He books a session with the same therapist (SNL alum Ana Gaesteyer) and spies on Mary’s files in order to buy her the perfect Valentine’s Day gift.  Mary is thrilled with the sentimental gift but horrified when she learns of Dick’s methods, culminating in a shared emergency Valentine’s Day therapy session.

Beware cops bringing bouquets

The episode’s best storyline concerns Sally and her cop boyfriend Don.  Don leaves Sally flowers and a Valentine from a “secret admirer,” which she misinterprets as being from a crazed stalker who wants her literal heart on Valentine’s Day.  Embarrassed, Don pretends to pursue the fictional stalker until finally having to admit that he’s been the suspected pervert all along.

Note the roses, chocolates, card & mug on the side table.  Valentine's Day done right!

Finally teen Tommy has booked a hotel room for Valentine’s Day, planning on losing his virginity to his girlfriend Alissa (played by Alex Mack, AKA Larisa Oleynik, herself!).  When he learns Alissa isn’t a virgin he ends up having sex with Mary’s visiting niece for practice.  Thinking Alissa will be thrilled, he is surprised when she of course freaks out, leaving him to watch Pay-Per-View porn in the hotel room by himself.

There is a weird emphasis on sandwiches in this episode.  Dick talks about how last Valentine’s Day his gift to Mary was a ham sandwich, and Sally plans on giving Don a ham sandwich as well.  When the niece shows up she asks Tommy to make her a sandwich prior to them having sex, and then he eats a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while she tells him that she’s turned on by “food, clothing and shelter.” In other words, depending on your own level of perviness,  this episode will either make you hungry or turn you on or both.

Pretty much every episode of the show relied on the characters being confused by some Earth custom, whether it’s Valentine’s Day or utensils or love. Even the whole “slutty rebellious visiting teenage niece” is a tried and true sitcom trope. Despite the predictability of the formula, it’s all rather charming thanks to the solid performances.  And who could have guessed that Joseph Gordon-Levitt would graduate from horny alien teenager to genuine movie star?!

Recurring Themes: Dick goes to great lengths during his Perfect Gift Search.

Valentine’s Day Quotient: While all three of the storylines are connected to the holiday in some way, some of the connections are tenuous at best, averaging out to a 3.

See It, Skip It, Own It?
The Sally and Don storyline is by far the best and most holiday-centric, but the rest of the episode is just so-so.  Feel free to skip this one.

DIAMONDS

Everybody Loves Raymond
Season 1 (1997)

A lot of sitcoms get goofier in their later seasons, but as this Season 1 episode of Everybody Loves Raymond demonstrates, this show didn’t hit its stride until it scaled back the goofy in favor of showing the humor of smaller, more realistic incidents.  “Diamonds” begins with Robert announcing his arrest of a family friend, from whom both Ray and patriarch Frank bought their spouses' wedding rings.  Robert reveals all of the fake jewelry they discovered, causing Ray to freak out and realize that the diamond in Debra’s engagement ring has always been glass (“Not glass—glassite” says Robert, one of the episode’s better lines). 

Ray’s attempts to steal the ring from Deborah so he can replace it with a real diamond for Valentine’s Day go predictably awry.  We get a long sequence of Ray trying to extract the ring from Debra’s finger while she sleeps. It goes on way too long and shows that Ray Romano’s strengths as a comedian do not lie in slapstick (I’m not really sure what his strengths are—looking exasperated?  Portraying sloth?).  Debra awakens to find him with a flashlight and some butter and they engage in some weird sex role play game (thankfully off camera). 

Awards for Cutest Couple, Best Wrapped Gifts & Most 90s Outfit (for Amy)

Ray eventually steals the ring while Debra’s in the shower, causing her to go on a frantic search on Valentine’s Day.  Meanwhile new couple Amy and Robert exchange presents.  Side Note: I never realized that the character of Amy, one of my favorites on the show and Robert’s eventual wife, dated all the way back to the first season.  She gives him a tie and he gives her an iguana (again with the goofy; things got better, trust me).  Ray arrives with flowers and the redone ring, only for Debra to reveal that years ago she substituted her grandmother’s $15,000 diamond for the fake one.

Roses induce semi-creepy smiles and tears

It’s a nice twist and Patricia Heaton (as Debra) plays her role with aplomb, going from teary to angry in a split second. The ending is rather weird: the couple’s daughter shows them a paper valentine a classmate made for her, with chewed gum stuck in the middle.  This somehow reminds them that love isn’t materialistic or something—I don’t really get it, especially since during the credits we see them digging in a dumpster looking for the discarded diamond, suggesting that at the end of the day $15,000 trumps construction paper sentiment.

Recurring Themes: Robert engages in a Perfect Gift Search, a trope so tropey that it's been carried over from the Christmas season!

Valentine’s Day Quotient: Thanks to the scenes of Valentine-making and gift exchanging, this earns a 3.

See It, Skip It, Own It?
Worth a watch if you have the time but there are better both Valentine’s Day and Everybody Loves Raymond episodes out there.

VALENTINE'S DAY

Jon & Kate Plus 8
Season 3 (2008)

This month I used some Christmas cash to buy the first three seasons of Jon & Kate Plus 8 on DVD.  Nick was okay with it once he learned each season only cost around $3 and therefore Kate Gosselin wouldn’t be profiting much from my shopping spree (if spending $6 counts as a spree).  This Valentine’s Day episode comes from the show’s third season, meaning it’s pre-divorce, pre-Kate on Dancing with the Stars, pre-everything is horrible.   The kids are very young and unaffected and Jon and Kate are only gently bickering, as opposed to engaging in outright warfare.  

During the course of the episode Jon and Kate represent the two opposing views of Valentine’s Day.  Jon thinks it’s a fake holiday invented by greeting card companies.  He waits until Valentine’s Day itself to go out and buy Kate a present, which he “wraps” in the car.  He also throws a tantrum when she asks him to wear a festive tee-shirt.  “It’s a medium!” he yells in disgust before hurling the shirt on the ground.  Knowing the cheating, lawsuits and acrimony that lie just a couple of years ahead, the image of the discarded “I Love Kate” tee-shirt on the floor seems more than a little prescient.  Plus it really bothers me that the shirt actually reads “I Heart Love Kate” and therefore makes no sense.

I Heart Love You Too

Kate, on the other hands, goes all out for the holiday in a way that I can only admire.  She decorates, puts together little gift bags for the kids, and proudly wears her “I Heart Love Jon” shirt.  She also themes all of the kids' food, making heart-shaped pancakes, heart-shaped grilled cheese and even cutting cucumbers into hearts.  I am a sucker for themed holiday food of any kind, so I highly approve.  

Heart-Shaped Grilled Cheese & Cucumbers for 6

Kate also creates edible Play-Doh for the kids (the one kid that tries to eat everything also tries to eat paper hearts at one point) and organizes a scavenger hunt in the house.  Every single thing seen and done in this episode is somehow themed to the holiday, thanks to Kate’s efforts, and this is a pre-fame version of Kate that’s quite likeable.  She seems to be doing everything to genuinely make a nice holiday for her kids, as opposed to doing it for the sake of the cameras.  This truly is the show at its peak, and by the next season it would all start to grow tainted by fame, money and out-of-control egos.

While decorating, it's best to coordinate one's outfit with the paper cut-outs

I know a lot of you are probably more sympathetic to Jon’s view of Valentine’s Day as a sort of bullshit holiday, but I of course am all for it. And I say that as someone who actually worked at a greeting card store for a couple of years and witnessed the hordes of last-minute husbands and boyfriends, like Jon in this episode, desperately buying whatever they could lay their hands on to alleviate the romantic pressure.  But I believe that we need Valentine’s Day to break up the doldrums of February and rather than ignore it, I agree with Kate in trying to make it even more of a big deal than it already is, replete with decorations and themed food and outfits.  As Kate says in this episode, it’s all about love-- whether that’s love for your kids, your soon-to-be-ex husband, or simply the holiday itself.

Recurring Themes: Jon runs out to the mall and does some Last Minute Shopping (which is also a Christmas trope!).

Valentine’s Day Quotient: 5

See It, Skip It, Own It?
This is a charming episode and chockfull of Valentine’s goodness.  Watch and enjoy!

ALONE AGAIN...NATURALLY

Ellen
Season 4 (1997)

Happy 1997!

New Year’s Eve-themed episodes may be relatively scarce, but the handful that do exist tend to stick to two categories.  One type of episode is that which actually take place on New Year’s Eve and is concerned with the celebrating of the holiday.  The other type, of which this episode of Ellen is a prime example, is concerned with the aftermath of the holiday, primarily the making and keeping of New Year’s resolutions.

Bookstore Manager Barbie

The opening scene does take place on New Year’s Eve.  Ellen is babysitting her boss’ two young daughters.  Their evening consists of playing with Barbies, drinks (presumably of the non-alcoholic variety) with little umbrellas in them, and watching TV.  In other words: my idea of the perfect way to spend New Year’s Eve.  It’s a cute scene, involving Ellen trying to explain to the girls that Barbie isn’t an accurate representation of women and offering up a doll version of herself, “Bookstore Manager Barbie,” as an alternative.  “That’s Ken” one of the girls responds flatly.  

We then cut to Ellen talking with friends and co-workers at Buy the Book about their resolutions.  Audrey, inspired by her Word-A-Day calendar Christmas gift, is expanding her vocabulary.  Joe vows to take work less seriously, the joke being that he already has a terrible work ethic.  And Ellen, inspired by a news story of an elderly woman who went skydiving, wants to live life to the fullest (pre-dating YOLO by over a decade, thankyouverymuch).  In keeping with that she decides to go alone to a fancy French restaurant that she’s always wanted to try but was afraid to go to alone.

Ellen Morgan, Party of 1

The scene at the restaurant is one the episode and series highlights.  Ellen DeGeneres must have thought so to, because she re-created it for an episode of her follow-up series, The Ellen Show, in 2001.  It captures the awkward experience of dining solo at a romantic restaurant, and as someone who also does not enjoy eating alone in public I can relate to Ellen’s uncomfortable yet valiant effort to make the best of it.  The restaurant mistakes her reservation of 1 for a party of 7, so they must remove the six other place settings from her giant table with much fanfare.  She receives a complimentary soufflé with a wedding ring in it, intended for another table.  She’s also chased into the bathroom by a manic fiddler that won’t leave her alone.

A sage bathroom attendant advises her to seek out another activity that she might actually enjoy, so Ellen goes to a pottery studio.  She fends off the flirtations of a fellow potter, played by the always reliably funny Michael McDonald (who also happens to be gay in real life).  They recreate the potter’s wheel scene from Ghost before Ellen snaps back to her senses.  Eventually she ends up back with the bathroom attendant, who gives her further, somewhat vague advice about not giving up her search for happiness and fulfillment.  There’s also a very silly subplot that barely bears mentioning, about Spence and Joe apartment-sitting for Paige and setting fire to her kitchen.

One Guy, One Girl & a Potter's Wheel

It’s a fun episode, though basically just a series of somewhat disconnected, albeit very funny, scenes. Ellen (the character) would come out later in this season so the subtle and not-so-subtle clues were coming fast and often, and this entire episode, from Ellen’s opening scene comparing herself to the Ken doll, to her rejection of the flirtatious potter (symbolically named “Guy”) and her vague unhappiness and search for meaning are all arrows pointing towards Gayville.  The opening New Year’s scene is a lot of fun, and you get a fair amount of discussion about resolutions, post-New Year’s Eve hangovers, and one very persistent fiddler with a metal plate in his head.

New Year’s Quotient: This is a great episode, even one of the series’ best, but in terms of holiday content it only ranks a 2.

See It, Skip It, Own It?
Worth seeing, whether around New Year’s Eve or any time of the year.

NEW YEAR'S DAZE

Designing Women
Season 1 (1987)

To paraphrase Julia Sugarbaker in this episode, there are few tasks in life more unpleasant than taking down the Christmas tree.  Being the Christmas fanatic that I am, January is always a tough month for me.  Not only has the Big Event come and gone, but you actually have to physically disassemble the holiday, taking down the tree and putting away the decorations, knowing it will be a full year before you can do it all over again.  Plus you’ve got dreary weather, added poundage, and a fair stretch of time until the next major holiday.  It would be easy to fully wallow in the winter gloom, but luckily we’ve got this stellar New Year’s episode of Designing Women to help liven up January.

The episode begins with the ladies of Sugarbaker & Associates gathering to celebrate New Year’s Eve.  Anthony shows up, delivering the eggnog and pâté from a gourmet shop that Julia ordered. I always thought the idea of ordering designer eggnog from a gourmet shop is somehow so Julia and so 80s and so perfect.  

Sparkly gold top hat & giant pink feather headpiece = Approved.

Anthony stays behind with Julia after her boyfriend calls and cancels (I was never much of a Reese fan).  The rest of the women and their dates go to some restaurant to ring in the new year, but after watching Suzanne’s geriatric sugar daddy snooze at the table they head back to Julia’s just in time to usher in the new year.  The festivities are interrupted by a news report stating that Charlene’s no-show mystery date, Shadow, just broke out of prison and is on the lam (he had been pen pals with Charlene, saying he would be “getting out” for New Year’s).

Originally I was going to write that “New Year’s Daze” has one of the series’ goofier plots, but thinking back on how many times Anthony ended up in drag for various ridiculous reasons this actually doesn’t rate all that high on the goof-o-meter (must add goof-o-meter to sidebar of blog).

The nervous group speaks with a special agent who shows up and then they remain trapped at Julia’s house, waiting for Shadow to show up.  On New Year’s Day they receive word that Shadow has been apprehended, so the men head out to pick up pizza while the women sit around and read their New Year’s resolutions aloud.  This is the episode’s funniest scene, as Suzanne shares her shallow resolutions, much to Julia’s consternation. Shadow suddenly shows up, only to reveal that he’s actually an undercover government agent.  After sharing a quick romantic moment with Charlene and restoring her faith in the goodness of all people he takes off and the women of Sugarbaker’s toast to 1987.

Julia gives Charlene deserved side-eye for being way too perky while defrocking the tree

Despite the stupid Shadow stuff this is a terrific, funny episode.  I love that it takes place both on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day, and has scenes of Julia and Charlene un-decorating the Christmas tree, one of life’s little realities that doesn’t often get portrayed on screen.  Holidays tend to just appear and suddenly be gone the next week on sitcoms, with no transitions.  I also like that this episode captures both Christmas and New Year’s in one, with lots of party hats and noisemakers but also Christmas decorations and eggnog.  

New Year’s Quotient: 5

See It, Skip It, Own It?
This is the perfect episode to help ease the post-Christmas blues and help usher in the new year—year after year after year!  Own it!

COMING SOON ON SEASON'S SCREENINGS

Happy New Year!

I hope you all enjoyed the most wonderful time of the year, whatever holiday (or holidays) you may celebrate.  A lot of you have been asking if the blog will go on hiatus now that Christmas is over, but I am here to assure you that Season’s Screenings is a year-round operation!  While admittedly it becomes more challenging to unearth holiday episodes outside of the Big 3 (Halloween, Thanksgiving & Christmas) I like a challenge and long ago came up with a plan to keep the blog going twelve months a year. 

With this post I wanted to whet your appetites a bit as to what’s coming on the blog.  Scattered throughout are glimpses of episodes that will be appearing in the coming months (and I always welcome suggestions and requests!).  The frequency of the posts may slow a bit depending on the holiday, but my goal is to post every two to three days (more if I have the time and inclination).  And I’m already working on this year’s busiest holiday months, pre-writing posts so those glorious Big 3 holiday months will be even more chockfull of posts. 

As for what’s coming, I’ve already done one New Year’s post and those will continue for the next couple of weeks as we settle into 2014. Starting around mid-January we’ll begin a month of Valentine’s Day-focused posts, running until February 14th.  From there we’ve got St. Patrick’s Day, April Fools, Birthday Week, Spring Break, Passover, Easter, Mother’s Day, Graduation Week, and Father’s Day.  Starting in June there will be posts about Summer-themed episodes, the 4th of July, Beach episodes, Camping, Vacation (including a special Disney week), and Summer Camp.  Then it’s time for Autumn, a bit of Back to School, and then we’re back to Halloween, which I’ll start blogging about again in mid-September.  

Whew!  Hopefully one or more of those themes/holidays has perked your future interest.  I’ve even got an Arbor Day episode tucked away for review (note to self: google when the hell Arbor Day is)!  A big thank you to all of you for reading, commenting, and “liking” the blog on Facebook during its inaugural months. 

Stay tuned for more…