HEY, BABY, WHAT'S WRONG?

30 Rock

Season 6 (2012)

I've never before been so committed to watching Valentine's Day episodes, so it's been fun tracking a whole new set of TV tropes that come with the holiday.  I've discovered that pretty much every Valentine's Day-themed episode, whether it be sitcom, drama or reality show, will feature at least one character who hates the holiday and decries it as a made-up "Hallmark holiday."  Indeed, judging by TV standards alone, Valentine's Day must easily be the most hated holiday of them all.  30 Rock not only brought us numerous Valentine's Day episodes over the course of its seven seasons, but it also crowned Liz Lemon the Queen of Hating Valentine's Day (a crown I would like to see-- I'm picturing iron spikes piercing paper hearts).

30 Rock made Valentine's Day episodes a tradition so there are a wealth to choose from.  The best and wackiest (which is saying something) is probably the hour-long "Hey, Baby, What's Wrong?" AKA The Ikea Episode.  We begin with Liz Lemon being awakened by her boyfriend Criss, who serenades her with a half-written love song.  Liz tells him that she plans on ignoring the holiday, based on her history of disastrous February 14ths (which we are shown a quick montage of, flashing back to some of the earlier episodes).  Criss convinces Liz that now that they are together they can turn the holiday around, promising to make her a romantic dinner, complete with "mashed potatoes served in martini glasses."  Yum!  When they realize that they don't even have a dining room table, however, a horrified Liz states that they'll have to go Ikea.

The rest of the episode unfolds as Criss and Liz attempt to navigate the store without arguing, as Ikea tends to destroy relationships.  This makes total sense to me, as Target tends to be kryptonite for Nick and I; rarely can we make a Target trip without some sort of argument ensuing.  Blame the stress, blame the crowds, blame the rage-inducing red shopping carts.  In this episode Ikea plays a similar role, challenging Liz and Criss' happiness at every turn.  There's even a stalkerish employee who follows their increasing tension with creepy glee, feeding off of their misery.  

You've just gotta love those blue giant-sized Ikea bags!

Despite Criss' efforts to buy heart-shaped salt and pepper shakers, Liz eventually blows her top when he can't decide on a table.  They end up arguing and she stalks off, convinced their relationship is over and that Ikea has won.  However once she returns home she finds a totally calm Criss, who has assembled a table out of tree limbs and an old Herman Cain campaign poster and cooked the romantic dinner after all.  He shows Liz that one Ikea fight does not a relationship end and they settle down to dinner-- only for the makeshift table to collapse and Liz to utter the best and final line of the episode: "This gets me out of sex!"

Conservatives in love. It involves a lot of navy and gray.

Since this is an hour-long episode there are a ton of other storylines.  One involves Jack fighting his attraction to his mother-in-law (guest star Mary Steenbergen) as they visit the U.N.  Concurrently producer Pete attempts to coach Jenna for her live singing event, eventually figuring out that pain is her best motivation.  Finally, yet another plot follows loser Lutz as he's coached by his co-workers on how to pick up insecure women (hence the episode's title).  Jack's scenes at the U.N. are a lot of fun (they involve a totally-not-a-vampire Transylvanian delegate) but even better is a scene in which a desperate restauranteur tries to lure Jack and his mother-in-law in for a romantic Valentine's Day dinner.  Seriously, is there anything more terrible than those guys who stand outside restaurants and  aggressively try to get you inside?  This is why I hate you, Little Italy.

Though it's a bit overflowing, even given the extra half-hour, this is a standout episode of the show as well as terrific Valentine's Day viewing.  I was never a big fan of the Criss character, perhaps due to the casting of so-so actor James Marsden.  Plus it just seemed that a smart character like Liz would never sell out for a dumb (albeit loving) pretty boy.  But the real draw here, as always, is Tina Fey's portrayal of Liz Lemon, in all her self-deprecating glory.  The jokes come so fast you'll need repeat viewings to catch them all, and it doesn't get more Valentinish than someone getting shot with an arrow, as Jenna is during her moment in the spotlight.

Recurring Themes: Liz represents the Everybody Hates Valentine's Day masses.  And while they aren't technically shopping for gifts, Liz and Criss' trip to Ikea counts as Last Minute Shopping.

Valentine's Day Quotient: 3

See It, Skip It, Own It?

All of 30 Rock is worth owning, for the Valentine's Day episodes alone.

VALENTINE'S DAY

Roseanne
Season 3 (1991)

I was delighted to discover this Valentine’s Day episode of Roseanne; I’m a big fan of the show but somehow had never seen this.  First things first: the terrible hair!  Roseanne went through many looks over the course of the show but she’s sporting a truly awful hairstyle in this episode: cut short and dyed a weird shade of red.  Even Jackie has bad hair in this episode, eschewing her classic short hairdo for bangs and long locks.  I just had to get the hair out of the way.

The Conner men fail at Valentine's Day

We begin on Valentine’s Day morning, and Dan has forgotten the holiday.  Roseanne preys on his guilt, especially when DJ gives her a Valentine.  DJ’s Valentine turns out to be “From Warren,” as he says the one he made was no good and so he fished Warren’s discarded, gravy-stained Valentine out of the trash.  Everything in Roseanne’s life needs to be just a bit beat-up (and better yet gravy-stained), which is why the show is so relatable and true-to-life (and why the final season was so terrible!).

The greatest spin-off that never was

After consulting with Jackie, Dan reluctantly heads to the mall to buy Roseanne’s desired gift: lingerie.  This was by far my favorite part of the episode, as it introduces us to the “BIG and Beautiful” lingerie store in the Lanford Mall.  Dan, as a man surrounded by women and panties, is a nervous wreck.  Upon entering the store he’s assessed by the two sales associates, who try to determine if he’s  a pervert or just a husband.  They come to his aid but he eventually runs off without buying anything.

All kinds of yes!

The two store employees, neither of whom is plus-sized and who are named Amy and Jennifer, sport some amazing 90s looks and have a very fun dynamic.  Amy is wearing a floral Laura Ashley-type dress and has weird curlicues gelled to the sides of her face.  I was utterly amazed when I looked it up and discovered that she was played by a very young Judy Gold, a favorite comedian of mine (and if you know anything about Judy Gold and her laid-back persona, it makes sense why she looks so uncomfortable in a giant floral dress).  We as a society were robbed of our “BIG and Beautiful” spinoff show!  I would have loved to watch a show set in the store and witnessed the further adventures of Amy and Jennifer!

The main plot of the episode concerns Becky trying to help Darlene get a date for the Valentine’s Day dance, but Darlene’s crush ends up asking Becky instead, inadvertently egged on by Roseanne.  The sisters eventually work things out, and Dan ends up giving Roseanne a homemade Valentine, not the lingerie she asked for.  He writes a cute little poem and signs it “From Warren” so Roseanne forgives him and goes to the bedroom to “try it on.”

This episode also features two notable side characters.  We are first introduced to Martin Mull as Leon, Roseanne’s manager at the restaurant (and later business partner).  Leon was eventually revealed to be gay and remained a very positive gay presence on TV when such a thing was still rare (and sadly still kind of is).  The other is a cameo appearance by Baby Tobey Maguire as Jeff, one of Darlene’s crush’s friends.  So much 90s goodness packed into one great holiday episode!

I love how Roseanne is looming in the background.  Look out, Tobey!

Recurring Themes: Dan does some Last Minute Shopping.

Valentine’s Day Quotient: 3

See It, Skip It, Own It?
Worth a watch, especially is you are a fan of Roseanne and/or of 90s fashions!

VALENTINE'S DAY

Jon & Kate Plus 8
Season 3 (2008)

This month I used some Christmas cash to buy the first three seasons of Jon & Kate Plus 8 on DVD.  Nick was okay with it once he learned each season only cost around $3 and therefore Kate Gosselin wouldn’t be profiting much from my shopping spree (if spending $6 counts as a spree).  This Valentine’s Day episode comes from the show’s third season, meaning it’s pre-divorce, pre-Kate on Dancing with the Stars, pre-everything is horrible.   The kids are very young and unaffected and Jon and Kate are only gently bickering, as opposed to engaging in outright warfare.  

During the course of the episode Jon and Kate represent the two opposing views of Valentine’s Day.  Jon thinks it’s a fake holiday invented by greeting card companies.  He waits until Valentine’s Day itself to go out and buy Kate a present, which he “wraps” in the car.  He also throws a tantrum when she asks him to wear a festive tee-shirt.  “It’s a medium!” he yells in disgust before hurling the shirt on the ground.  Knowing the cheating, lawsuits and acrimony that lie just a couple of years ahead, the image of the discarded “I Love Kate” tee-shirt on the floor seems more than a little prescient.  Plus it really bothers me that the shirt actually reads “I Heart Love Kate” and therefore makes no sense.

I Heart Love You Too

Kate, on the other hands, goes all out for the holiday in a way that I can only admire.  She decorates, puts together little gift bags for the kids, and proudly wears her “I Heart Love Jon” shirt.  She also themes all of the kids' food, making heart-shaped pancakes, heart-shaped grilled cheese and even cutting cucumbers into hearts.  I am a sucker for themed holiday food of any kind, so I highly approve.  

Heart-Shaped Grilled Cheese & Cucumbers for 6

Kate also creates edible Play-Doh for the kids (the one kid that tries to eat everything also tries to eat paper hearts at one point) and organizes a scavenger hunt in the house.  Every single thing seen and done in this episode is somehow themed to the holiday, thanks to Kate’s efforts, and this is a pre-fame version of Kate that’s quite likeable.  She seems to be doing everything to genuinely make a nice holiday for her kids, as opposed to doing it for the sake of the cameras.  This truly is the show at its peak, and by the next season it would all start to grow tainted by fame, money and out-of-control egos.

While decorating, it's best to coordinate one's outfit with the paper cut-outs

I know a lot of you are probably more sympathetic to Jon’s view of Valentine’s Day as a sort of bullshit holiday, but I of course am all for it. And I say that as someone who actually worked at a greeting card store for a couple of years and witnessed the hordes of last-minute husbands and boyfriends, like Jon in this episode, desperately buying whatever they could lay their hands on to alleviate the romantic pressure.  But I believe that we need Valentine’s Day to break up the doldrums of February and rather than ignore it, I agree with Kate in trying to make it even more of a big deal than it already is, replete with decorations and themed food and outfits.  As Kate says in this episode, it’s all about love-- whether that’s love for your kids, your soon-to-be-ex husband, or simply the holiday itself.

Recurring Themes: Jon runs out to the mall and does some Last Minute Shopping (which is also a Christmas trope!).

Valentine’s Day Quotient: 5

See It, Skip It, Own It?
This is a charming episode and chockfull of Valentine’s goodness.  Watch and enjoy!