DICK PUTS THE ID IN CUPID

3rd Rock from the Sun
Season 5 (2000)

Before 30 Rock there was 3rd Rock from the Sun-- though the two shows actually have absolutely nothing in common save for each having a “3” and “Rock” in their titles.  I discovered 3rd Rock from the Sun in reruns (RIP, UPN) and despite the silly premise of aliens posing as a human family it’s a very enjoyable show, bolstered by excellent performances and quirky supporting characters.  As the equal parts ego-maniacal and utterly naïve Dick Solomon, John Lithgow is pretty genius and the always funny Jane Curtin as Dick’s beleaguered girlfriend Dr. Mary Albright is equally delightful.  

I can't get enough of Valentine's Day-themed wrapping paper pics!

3rd Rock from the Sun delivered quite a few holiday episodes over the course of its run, including Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving and New Year’s shows.  This Season 5 Valentine’s Day offering is a bit uneven, as it features three different story lines  of varying quality, but all related to the holiday.  The first story concerns Dick’s discovery that his girlfriend Mary is in therapy.  He books a session with the same therapist (SNL alum Ana Gaesteyer) and spies on Mary’s files in order to buy her the perfect Valentine’s Day gift.  Mary is thrilled with the sentimental gift but horrified when she learns of Dick’s methods, culminating in a shared emergency Valentine’s Day therapy session.

Beware cops bringing bouquets

The episode’s best storyline concerns Sally and her cop boyfriend Don.  Don leaves Sally flowers and a Valentine from a “secret admirer,” which she misinterprets as being from a crazed stalker who wants her literal heart on Valentine’s Day.  Embarrassed, Don pretends to pursue the fictional stalker until finally having to admit that he’s been the suspected pervert all along.

Note the roses, chocolates, card & mug on the side table.  Valentine's Day done right!

Finally teen Tommy has booked a hotel room for Valentine’s Day, planning on losing his virginity to his girlfriend Alissa (played by Alex Mack, AKA Larisa Oleynik, herself!).  When he learns Alissa isn’t a virgin he ends up having sex with Mary’s visiting niece for practice.  Thinking Alissa will be thrilled, he is surprised when she of course freaks out, leaving him to watch Pay-Per-View porn in the hotel room by himself.

There is a weird emphasis on sandwiches in this episode.  Dick talks about how last Valentine’s Day his gift to Mary was a ham sandwich, and Sally plans on giving Don a ham sandwich as well.  When the niece shows up she asks Tommy to make her a sandwich prior to them having sex, and then he eats a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while she tells him that she’s turned on by “food, clothing and shelter.” In other words, depending on your own level of perviness,  this episode will either make you hungry or turn you on or both.

Pretty much every episode of the show relied on the characters being confused by some Earth custom, whether it’s Valentine’s Day or utensils or love. Even the whole “slutty rebellious visiting teenage niece” is a tried and true sitcom trope. Despite the predictability of the formula, it’s all rather charming thanks to the solid performances.  And who could have guessed that Joseph Gordon-Levitt would graduate from horny alien teenager to genuine movie star?!

Recurring Themes: Dick goes to great lengths during his Perfect Gift Search.

Valentine’s Day Quotient: While all three of the storylines are connected to the holiday in some way, some of the connections are tenuous at best, averaging out to a 3.

See It, Skip It, Own It?
The Sally and Don storyline is by far the best and most holiday-centric, but the rest of the episode is just so-so.  Feel free to skip this one.

DIAMONDS

Everybody Loves Raymond
Season 1 (1997)

A lot of sitcoms get goofier in their later seasons, but as this Season 1 episode of Everybody Loves Raymond demonstrates, this show didn’t hit its stride until it scaled back the goofy in favor of showing the humor of smaller, more realistic incidents.  “Diamonds” begins with Robert announcing his arrest of a family friend, from whom both Ray and patriarch Frank bought their spouses' wedding rings.  Robert reveals all of the fake jewelry they discovered, causing Ray to freak out and realize that the diamond in Debra’s engagement ring has always been glass (“Not glass—glassite” says Robert, one of the episode’s better lines). 

Ray’s attempts to steal the ring from Deborah so he can replace it with a real diamond for Valentine’s Day go predictably awry.  We get a long sequence of Ray trying to extract the ring from Debra’s finger while she sleeps. It goes on way too long and shows that Ray Romano’s strengths as a comedian do not lie in slapstick (I’m not really sure what his strengths are—looking exasperated?  Portraying sloth?).  Debra awakens to find him with a flashlight and some butter and they engage in some weird sex role play game (thankfully off camera). 

Awards for Cutest Couple, Best Wrapped Gifts & Most 90s Outfit (for Amy)

Ray eventually steals the ring while Debra’s in the shower, causing her to go on a frantic search on Valentine’s Day.  Meanwhile new couple Amy and Robert exchange presents.  Side Note: I never realized that the character of Amy, one of my favorites on the show and Robert’s eventual wife, dated all the way back to the first season.  She gives him a tie and he gives her an iguana (again with the goofy; things got better, trust me).  Ray arrives with flowers and the redone ring, only for Debra to reveal that years ago she substituted her grandmother’s $15,000 diamond for the fake one.

Roses induce semi-creepy smiles and tears

It’s a nice twist and Patricia Heaton (as Debra) plays her role with aplomb, going from teary to angry in a split second. The ending is rather weird: the couple’s daughter shows them a paper valentine a classmate made for her, with chewed gum stuck in the middle.  This somehow reminds them that love isn’t materialistic or something—I don’t really get it, especially since during the credits we see them digging in a dumpster looking for the discarded diamond, suggesting that at the end of the day $15,000 trumps construction paper sentiment.

Recurring Themes: Robert engages in a Perfect Gift Search, a trope so tropey that it's been carried over from the Christmas season!

Valentine’s Day Quotient: Thanks to the scenes of Valentine-making and gift exchanging, this earns a 3.

See It, Skip It, Own It?
Worth a watch if you have the time but there are better both Valentine’s Day and Everybody Loves Raymond episodes out there.

BERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS

Strawberry Shortcake
Season 1 (2003)

Being a child of the late 80s and early 90s of course I’m familiar with Strawberry Shortcake. I still covet a Berry Happy Home dollhouse of my own.  Strawberry is slightly less popular than some of the other 80s kid franchises and therefore has been revived, rebooted and remodeled several times over the past decade in an attempt to boost her popularity. She's kind of like Doctor Who; she keeps regenerating into new forms.  For reference, here is a side by side comparison of the original character and the current, sleeker and slimmed-down incarnation:

In 2003 Strawberry was revived (and thankfully looked more like her original self than she does now) with a cartoon series, from which this Christmas episode springs.  It has an extra-long running time, features several songs and a ton of characters with cutesy food names.  I have to admit I was pretty eager to watch this; nothing gets me more in the holiday spirit than Christmas-themed cartoons. It reminds me of those exciting childhood days when school was out and Christmas was around the corner.  Instead of trudging off to school I got to watch cartoons in the morning, usually reruns on USA Network. 

Strawberry in her 2003 incarnation.

In “Berry Merry Christmas” Strawberry Shortcake is obsessing over finding the perfect presents to get her friends, despite the fact that they show up and literally announce exactly what they want/need.  “I lost my COOKIE CUTTERS!”  “I love SUGAR PLUMS!”  This version of Strawberry was more than a little dim.  She spoke slowly in that irritating Dora the Explorer manner and constantly asked questions aloud: “What--should--we--do?”  Where--are--we?  What--is--happening?”  Clearly this is aimed at a very young audience (and gay adult male holiday bloggers, because I kind of loved it).

Ignoring their very obvious requests, Strawberry sets out with Honey, a self-centered horse, to Holiday Land to find gifts for her friends.  Holiday Land is the best part of the episode; it’s the sort of Christmas fantasy land I spent most of my childhood drawing, thinking about and trying to escape to.  One by one Strawberry figures the appropriate gifts.  She gets sugar plums from a Sugarplum Fairy, helps stop a crisis at a candy cane factory and gets cookie cutters in return, and so on and so forth.  

Somebody give Honey a  goddam saddle already

Ultimately a magic wind whisks Strawberry and Honey direct to Santa’s workshop where they chat up the jolly old elf and Strawberry randomly bursts into tears when he asks her what she wants for Christmas.  She and Honey make it home only to discover the snowballs they made as a gift for one of their friends melted and ruined all the other presents but—surprise!—Santa restores them, along with a gift for Strawberry (a quilt with her friends pictures on it).  Then everyone sings a song about friendship being the greatest gift of all.

Aside from Strawberry’s stupidity and slow talk, her singing was a bit painful.  She sings in this very childlike voice that isn’t very pleasant on the ears. But otherwise this was really charming, worth it just for the cute food-pun names and Holiday Land décor (such as an all-bell shop shaped like…a bell!).  It reminded me of a childhood favorite that I have on VHS, The Care Bears Nutcracker Suite.  The story is equally insipid but the backgrounds and images just scream Christmas.

Honey and Custard, my new favorites

I liked Honey, the vapid horse, who either asked for or suggested someone be given a saddle approximately every five seconds.  If I was a more ambitious person I would track how many times the words “saddle” and “berry” occurs in this episode, as I’m sure the results would be mind-boggling.   My favorite character, though, was Custard, the bitchy cat.  Custard told Strawberry that her singing hurt her ears, that she didn’t want any presents, and that she planned on hibernating from Christmas until New Year’s.  Custard don’t care!

Recurring Themes: Strawberry undergoes a Perfect Gift Search and the Real Santa Shows Up.

Christmas Quotient: 4

See It, Skip It, Own It?
Admittedly not everyone can stomach this type of kiddie fare, but if you’re feeling nostalgic or like cartoons in general give it a watch (it’s up on Netflix Instant).  Plus Custard and Honey make for a fun diva-bitch duo!

DO YOU FEAR WHAT I FEAR?

Ellen
Season 3 (1995)

I like a touch of darkness mixed in with the sticky sweetness of Christmas, whether it’s The Nightmare Before Christmas, a sonorous rendition of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” (the most somber of carols) or a Christmas-themed Fear Street horror novel.  This Season 3 episode of Ellen fits the bill, perfectly mixing the brightness of the holiday with comedy and a good dose of the macabre.

Ellen is preparing for another Christmas with her parents and she convinces her cousin Spence to join her, warning him of the many annoying family traditions that await them.  Her parents, however, announce that they spontaneously booked a cruise for the holiday and so they’ll have to celebrate prior to their departure.  When Ellen and Spence arrive Ellen’s parents are already in their cruising clothes and rushing out the door, as their flight is overbooked and they have to hurry to depart.  They decide to have Christmas in the car on the way to the airport.

A very automotive Christmas

Despite her earlier protestations Ellen is miffed over the harried version of her family’s traditions (which includes carols, ambrosia and the opening of gifts).  Things take even more of a turn when she unwraps her big gift from her parents: a cemetery plot.  With her parents gone and a saddled with her final resting place she falls into a morbid mood, despite her friends’ efforts to cheer her up, which includes a visit from Spence dressed as a half-assed Santa. In one of the episode’s best scenes Ellen chases her bookstore’s customers away by throwing candy canes at them and reminding them of their imminent deaths.

"Ho Ho Ho! Santa says cheer up!"

En route to a party on Christmas Eve with her friends Ellen requests a detour, which ends up being the cemetery.  She finds her plot and then refuses to leave; her friends rally around her.  After convincing Ellen that her life is meaningful and sharing some egg nog and pfeffernusse the group decides to decorate the cemetery to the strains of “Linus & Lucy.”  The episode ends with a series of snapshots showing the cast goofing off amid the bedecked tombstones and memorials.

I've always loved this shot of Joely Fischer--gives me a Tim Burton vibe

This is a hilarious and clever episode that makes good work of Ellen DeGeneres' comedic skills, first via her attempts to downplay the weirdness of her Christmas gift and then later her holiday funk.  The supporting cast is great as well, especially Clea Lewis as ever-perky Audrey, who sports first an amazing gift-wrap dress and then later a sexy Santa ensemble over the course of the episode. 

If only all women dressed liked Audrey Penney! 

A young Jamie Kennedy (remember him?) also appears in this episode as Tad, the dimwitted extra holiday help at the bookstore This is the perfect episode for anyone who both loves Christmas but also likes a hint of bitterness to balance out the yuletide sweet.

Recurring Themes: Ellen does some Yelling at Carolers.

Christmas Quotient: 5

See It, Skip It or Own It?
Add this one to your permanent collection!