'TWAS THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Golden Girls
Season 2 (1986)

It’s obviously best to spend Christmas with your closest family and friends so in choosing my post for today I settled on the Golden Girls.  When I was in high school, bullied and closeted and utterly miserable, I would watch Golden Girls long into the night, putting off my dread of the approaching school day by escaping to Miami with the girls.  I seriously dreamed about being able to move in with Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sophia, living a life of leisure, sitting with them in the kitchen or on the lanai, nibbling on cheesecake and tossing around bitchy repartee.  It still seems like my idea of heaven.  The show really did help get me through some rough years and the characters really did (and do) feel like family.

The show offered up quite a few holiday episodes over the course of its run but this Season 2 Christmas offering is the standout.  It could be studied as a model of TV Christmas tropes but I mean that in the best, most comforting way possible.  It relies on the classic “everything goes wrong” scenario as the geriatric girls face various obstacles in their search for a merry Christmas.

Prior to departing to spend Christmas with their respective families, the roommates decide to exchange homemade gifts in order to escape the materialism of Christmas.  Dorothy receives a whittled maple syrup spigot from Rose, which she memorably misidentifies as a “carved brooch in the shape of a duck’s head.”  Blanche’s gift gets the most screen time and is perhaps one of the show’s best-remembered bits.  It’s a calendar called “The Men of Blanche’s Boudoir.”  In true Golden Girls style it’s very dirty and suggestive without really revealing anything.

Sophia checks out Mr. September

En route to the airport on Christmas Eve Dorothy and Blanche stop by the counseling center to pick up Rose.  What unfolds is one of my favorite moments of the entire show, a small instance that relies entirely on Bea Arthur’s brilliant facial expressions.  Dorothy (Bea Arthur) takes a seat by a patron of the center who earlier has been revealed as a pyromaniac.  He stares intensely at her and verrryyyy slooowwllly she notices, unsettled recognition registering on her face.  Bea Arthur was a comedy goddess, and let’s leave it at that.

Bow down to the Queen of the side-eye!

After this the tropes come fast and heavy.  Just as they’re about to leave, a gun-toting Santa Claus holds the friends hostage.  He’s a sad sack who’s forcing them to spend Christmas with him, but they’re rescued by Sophia (who was waiting in the car).  She casually snatches the pistol away from him and reveals it’s a toy.  They make it to the airport only for their flights to be cancelled due to inclement weather.  Their car breaks down, forcing them to run through the rain (sadly off-screen) and take refuge at a diner.

The kindly proprietor mistakes the girls for family and causes them to realize that their rotten Christmas doesn’t matter since they’ve been spending it with their surrogate family all along.   A light, unlikely snow beings to fall and Rose goes to the jukebox to play a Christmas song, but presses the wrong button, so they stand and watch the snow to the strains of “Surfin’ Safari.”

This episode is like a warm, cozy afghan you can wrap around you.   It’s true that it borrows just about every Christmas TV trope in the book, but it never feels tired thanks to the wonderful acting, lovable characters and hilarious small moments throughout.  It’s sad to think that three of the four girls are gone now, but it’s comforting to know that we can always spend Christmas with them.

Forever Golden

Recurring Themes: This episode is a trope bonanza!  We’ve got a Santa Crook, Unlikely Snow, a Blizzard/Stranded and an Easter Reference!

Christmas Quotient: 5

See It, Skip It, Own It?
Less of a see it and more of a “adopt it as a religion.”  The Golden Girls are your gods now!

FILM FOCUS: MIXED NUTS

I hope that a lot of you are already familiar with Mixed Nuts, but I suspect that it flies somewhat under the radar, despite being directed and co-written by the notable Nora Ephron.  Certainly it was neither a box office nor apparently a critical success when it was first released.  I was first introduced to it one Thanksgiving when one of my aunts played it in on the TV in the den that we kids were confined to.  As a kid the movie just seemed odd but as an adult I’ve developed quite the love for this zany and very Christmasy movie.

The ensemble cast is a veritable who’s who of excellence: Madeline Kahn, Steve Martin, Juliette Lewis, Liev Schriber (in drag!) and, in small roles, Joely Fisher, Parker Posey, John Stewart and Rob Reiner, among others.  Victor Garber even provides the voice for an unseen neighbor in one scene.  Since this movie came out in 1994 be prepared to spend a lot of it marveling at how young everyone looks (or how old it makes you feel).  

Mixed Nuts is an adaptation of a French film and it’s a farce in the grand European tradition.  It’s set (almost) entirely on Christmas Eve and mostly in one location.  I’ve always been a fan of this format, which relies mostly on character to drive the story.  I know when a TV episode is confined to a single locale and timeframe it’s called a bottle show, but there must be a term for a movie of this type as well?  

Anyhoo, the action revolves around Lifesavers, a suicide prevention hotline office in Venice Beach, California.  Steve Martin plays the beleaguered, nice guy owner/director.  Madeline Kahn is Mrs. Munchnick and Rita Wilson is Catherine, his two employees.  They are to be evicted by the New Year by their greedy landlord and are surrounded by wacky neighbors, zany clients and oddballs in general.  Mishaps, slapstick and mayhem ensue.  By Christmas morning there will be a suicide, a murder, a serial killer will be exposed, a baby will be born, a miracle will occur and everyone will find new love.

Madeline Kahn owns this movie in her role as the irritable Mrs. Munchnick.  Every single expression she makes and word she utters makes me laugh; she truly was a comedy genius and I wouldn’t be surprised if several of her best bits in this were at least semi-improvised.  I don’t get why her performance here doesn’t get more critical love.  Her character is trapped in an elevator for a good portion of the movie, and she utilizes several wrapped presents in an effort to call for help, including a sort of electronic keyboard-beat box thing, resulting in one of my all-time favorite scenes in all of cinema:

That scene just kills me!  Liev Schriber also deserves a shout-out for his role as a lonely transgender woman.  It could potentially have been an offensive, one-note part but he brings a lot of humanity, humor and sweetness to it.  His character even develops a romance with a very young Adam Sandler and, I can’t believe I’m typing this, even Adam Sandler is quite charming in this movie in a goofball kind of way.

I remember at one time being a little put off by a scene between Chris (Schriber) and Philip (Steve Martin), in which they share an awkward dance.  Philip is freaked out by Chris’ romantic attentions and does his best to physically distance himself.  I’m sensitive to gay panic (or trans panic) humor just because it’s so pervasive in Hollywood and also just so lazy.  However Philip is genuinely sweet and kind towards Chris throughout the movie, telling him to never care what people think of him.  And Chris finds love by the end of the film, so all in all it’s a very positive portrayal.

As far as the Christmas quotient, Mixed Nuts does not disappoint.  One subtle aspect of the film that I love is how the office is slowly transformed and decorated over the course of the movie.  It starts with a tree and characters (mostly Juliette Lewis) add decorations until it’s a Christmas wonderland, with lights, garlands and stockings by the fire. I like how the holiday creeps in.  I also appreciate a Christmas movie that takes place in sunny California, since all of my own Christmas memories are rooted in the West Coast. You also get Anthony LaPaglia in a Santa Suit, several Christmas trees, and a soundtrack that features some of the best Christmas music around, including a charming original song also titled “Mixed Nuts.”  There's even a beagle (or beagler, as Nick would say), which has nothing to do with Christmas but automatically adds 10 extra credit points to any movie.

Despite its welcome touches of black comedy this is a very tenderhearted film, featuring a cast of characters who are all damaged or dysfunctional in some way but kind and good underneath, drawn together by the magic of Christmas.  So sit back, watch, snack on some of those salted, smoky almonds (which we always have around during the holidays), and enjoy!