TROPE TRACKER: RAG DOLL, TINA TURNER & CLEOPATRA COSTUMES

One of the things I love about obsessively watching and re-watching holiday-themed TV episodes is that patterns start to emerge. Rather than fault it as a lack of creativity on the part of sitcom writers, I find these tropes oddly reassuring, as if all sitcoms take place in a shared universe and are linked by their similarities. Obviously most Halloween-themed episodes feature characters in costume. Sometimes the episode is merely a showcase for elaborate or clever costumes and sometimes the costumes are a mere afterthought to the storyline. Witches, pirates and vampires abound, but over the years I’ve noticed a few costumes that tend to crop up over and over again.

The first of these, which I've written a bit before in previous posts, is the Rag Doll Costume. We all know Raggedy Ann and Andy, whether from the original dolls or their various animated TV incarnations. They even have their own Halloween special, The Pumpkin Who Wouldn’t Smile. But despite her place in pop culture, Raggedy Ann can hardly be called part of the zeitgeist. She belongs to an earlier generation and yet she makes for a surprisingly popular costume choice in TV sitcoms (whether the costume is meant to be Raggedy Ann specifically or just a generic rag doll is open to debate).

The character of Ann Perkins wears a Rag Doll Costume in the first Halloween-themed Parks and Recreation episode. Ann is hosting a rather lame Halloween party and her choice of costume is obviously intended to echo the dorkiness of the event (plus the whole Ann Perkins = Raggedy Ann thing). Usually the Rag Doll Costume is used in this way, as an example of a lame or embarrassing costume choice.

The grandmother dresses as a rag doll in an episode of Family Matters, but she is the rare exception where the costume doesn’t have a negative connotation. For that we can turn to episodes of both Home Improvement and The Big Bang Theory. In both of these shows the Rag Doll Costume is part of a couple’s costume gone wrong. In Home Improvement Brad’s girlfriend convinces him to dress as Raggedy Andy to her Raggedy Ann, only to show up at the party in a totally different outfit, leaving him trapped in the lame ensemble.

 In a Halloween episode of The Big Bang Theory, Sheldon and his girlfriend argue over their choice of couple costume, resulting in a weird compromise of a Raggedy Andy-C3P0 hybrid:

Another costume that pops up a lot, but specifically on sitcoms with predominantly African-American casts, is that of Tina Turner. The African-American sitcom saw its zenith in the 1990s, which helps explain why Tina Turner was a popular choice (as opposed to now, when her place in pop culture has faded a bit). The Tina Turner costume also gives its wearer the opportunity to do their best Tina Turner impression, which makes for some memorable moments.

Those characters who don the Tina Turner attire include Claire Huxtable on The Cosby Show (and yes, I feel icky even mentioning The Cosby Show these days):

(Side Note: when researching images for this post the first one to pop up was actually from my own blog, which tickled me to no end.)

The character of Gina (center in the photo below) on the show Martin is played by actress Tisha Campbell, who is also an accomplished singer. She makes for an especially good Tina Turner impersonator, seen below in the center:

And finally we’re back to Family Matters once again, with Tina this time filled by the character of Laura, seen here with Urkel as Superman:

But Rag Dolls and Tina Turners pale in comparison to the prevelance of another costume: Cleopatra.  Cleopatra costumes abound in sitcoms from across the decades.  So far I’ve identified 7 different episode/shows that featured a character dressed like Cleopatra for Halloween, including Caroline in the City, Full House, Living Single and Two of a Kind. Denise dresses as Cleopatra in the aforementioned episode of The Cosby Show that also features Claire dressed as Tina Turner: 

The Cleopatra costume has even crossed over to reality TV, as one of the Gosselin girls chooses it as her costume on a Halloween episode of Kate Plus 8.

The most impressive of all of these Cleopatras comes, not surprisingly, from the sitcom Roseanne.  Roseanne is known for its Halloween episodes, and its portrayal of a Cleopatra costume takes the cake.  It’s worn by minor character Vonda Green at a lodge Halloween party in the excellent episode “Trick Me Up, Trick Me Down.”  Besides just being a really great costume with an especially colorful and sparkly headdress, what puts this particular version over the top is the rubber snake dangling from the bodice:

That concludes our look at some of the most popular Halloween costumes in TV Land. As I continue to watch and keep track I’m sure I’ll discover more. Little Bo Beep is fast becoming a contender…

FILM FOCUS: WHEN GOOD GHOULS GO BAD

The Fox Family made-for-TV movie When Good Ghouls Go Bad has long been on my “To Watch” list for many reasons.  It’s based on a book by R.L. Stine, the 90s horror maestro.  It stars Christopher Lloyd, of Back to the Future and Clue fame.  And, judging by the few snippets I was able to view online, it’s brimming with Halloween cheer.  Despite my desire to see it, it’s been a long wait.  It’s available for sale on DVD but I wanted to watch it at least once before adding it to my permanent collection, and it apparently never airs on TV anymore.  Luckily some kind soul put the whole thing up on YouTube and it was my first movie pick of the 2015 Halloween season.

I’m happy to report that it didn’t disappoint!  It never reaches the brilliance of Hocus Pocus (nothing does, but both movies both have “death by school kiln” scenes) or even the campy fun of Halloweentown, but it hit all of the holiday sweet spots.  The plot gets complicated, but I’ll do my best to keep recap it quickly: tween Danny and his dad move back to the small town that’s home to both Danny’s grandfather and the ailing family chocolate factory.  While Danny’s dad ignores him while trying to save the family business, Danny bonds with his fun-loving grandpa (played by Christopher Lloyd), who insists that everyone, even Danny, call him Uncle Fred.

Danny soon learns that Halloween is forbidden in the town due to an incident years earlier involving a Goth kid who was accidentally killed in the school kiln and threatened revenge if the holiday is ever celebrated.  The local football coach and his bully son fanatically enforce the rules, but a series of bizarre events quickly upsets the status quo.  In short order Uncle Fred is killed when a mysterious pile of pumpkins falls on him, then comes back as a friendly zombie to help Danny uncover why Halloween decorations keep appearing all over town.  Danny, his local girl love interest, and zombie Uncle Fred soon run afoul of a host of zombies and angry townspeople and uncover a conspiracy about the real events surrounding the infamous Curtis Danko’s death.

That’s about as concise as I can manage, and I’m leaving out a lot, including weird subplots about German investors, Danny’s dad’s own love interest, magical fireflies, a secret haunted house run by the local kids, an evil statue, and the list goes on and on.  The story isn’t the movie’s greatest strength, but it somehow all makes sense in the end.

Christopher Lloyd can bring gravitas to any situation or dialogue and he anchors the whole thing with a sense of fun.  There are a lot of interesting supporting characters, like Danny’s dad’s kooky secretary, the bully’s mom, and the befuddled mayor and his wife.  At first I was confused by Danny’s love interest, Dayna.  I thought maybe her dialogue was all dubbed, because something was definitely off every time she spoke.  A little internet research revealed that the actress is Australian, and she did a bad job trying to disguise her accent.  The result is a very weird, very distracting cadence.  The movie itself, set in small-town middle America, was shot in Australia but if there were other covert Aussies actors in the cast they did a much better job of keeping their accents at bay.

The Halloween visuals are plentiful.  One of the plot points is that elaborate Halloween decorations keep mysteriously appearing throughout the town, so there lots of shots of lavish holiday décor.  The kids also have the aforementioned secret haunted house, to which they smuggled all of the town’s banned Halloween stuff.  An orange Volkswagen bug even gets done-up as a jack-o-lantern and a very cool cemetery makes repeat appearances. 

What I wasn’t expecting were a few surprisingly profound moments thrown in amid the silliness.  The first such moment occurs when Danny speaks to Dayna after his grandfather’s funeral.  She delivers a beautiful monologue on how the idea of him decomposing in his grave is actually a beautiful thing, a return to the earth, and so on.  (It sounds better when delivered in her weird Aussie-US warble.)  The ending of the movie is also surprisingly moving, with the assembled zombies engaging in a beautiful danse macabre in the graveyard, slowly swirling into dust and clouds. 

Reading up on the movie afterward revealed a real-life tragedy linked to it.  The actor who played Danny went missing in 2006 at the age of 18.  He’s never been found after leaving a poker game with friends.  It definitely casts a pall over the proceedings,  knowing the grim fate of its child star, but as I said the movie actually has a surprisingly deep and nuanced view of death that you wouldn’t expect from a made-for-TV Halloween movie aimed at kids.  Perhaps it's due to the tragic circumstances of its star that When Good Ghouls Go Bad isn’t in heavy rotation every Halloween, but it has a lot going for it and is definitely worth seeking out.

BACK TO SCHOOL BLUES

Full House

Season 3 (1989)

Full House is in the midst of a comeback, similar to the Boy Meets World renaissance that's currently occurring.  I’ve written about my ambivalent feelings for both of these saccharine shows before, but with a recent behind-the-scenes Lifetime TV movie and the new Netflix original series Fuller House, clearly Full House’s fans remain plentiful, just as they were back when the show was first airing.  There aren’t a ton of back-to-school themed sitcom episodes out there, so despite my non-enjoyment-bordering-on-dislike for the show I decided to give this episode a try.

We begin with D.J.’s first day of seventh grade, and Stephanie’s first day of second grade.  Now that she’s in junior high, D.J. will be at a different school than her sister, much to Stephanie’s dismay and D.J.’s delight.  D.J. and her best friend Kimmy are ready to dive in to their new mature existence as junior high schoolers, but things go predictably wrong for them.  The upperclassmen look and act intimidating and call them “shrubs.”  Their former classmate grew boobs over the summer. Kimmy and D.J. are on different schedules, so, in the episode’s saddest moment, D.J. is forced to eat lunch alone in a phone booth, pretending to talk to someone while really just calling for the time.  The coup de grâce is that D.J. is wearing the exact same "tan slacks and vest with white tennis shoes" ensemble as a dorky teacher.

I could relate to most of these scenarios.  My junior high and elementary schools were one and the same, so I didn’t have that culture shock feeling of starting somewhere new until high school.  However I did once wear almost the same necklace as my high school yearbook advisor (yes, I wore a lot of necklaces back in the day).  And there was a kid in my freshman class who seriously looked about 25 years old, while I looked about 12, just like a kid with a mustache who D.J. marvels at in this episode.  But I never did eat lunch in a phone booth. 

Traumatized by their first day of school, D.J. and Kimmy try to make up for their mistakes the next morning by slathering on makeup and dressing like 1980s hookers.  Of course D.J. is stopped on her way out the door by her dad and two dopey surrogate dads.  We are then subjected to one of the many scenes that make Full House so irritating: a heart-to-heart between Danny and his daughter where he babbles on and on against a backdrop of sappy music until D.J. sees the error of her ways.

Naturally there’s a happy ending, as D.J. and Kimmy embrace their inner selves, which I guess involves dressing like neon highlighters.  Kimmy gets her schedule changed so they can eat lunch together, and D.J. kinda sorta tells off the older mean girls (who call her a shrub anyway). 

Obviously the plot is mind-numbingly predictable and every time I watch this show Bob Saget and the bad child acting sends me into a near-rage.  Seriously, you can see the struggle behind the eyes of the various kids as they try to remember their lines.  The Olson Twins, in their shared role of Michelle, luckily have only a very small part in this episode, as Michelle is still in pre-school and therefore exempt from the back-to-school drama.  But Michelle’s few lines, meant to be oh-so-cute, are teeth grindingly painful.  She talks like a hipster caveman:  “Me cool!”  I won’t even go into the subplot about Jesse learning to golf (with a requisite gay panic joke thrown in for good measure).

The nostalgia factor is high, however, if like me you’re a child of the late 80s and/or early 90s.  I had more fun analyzing the décor and toys in D.J.’s bedroom than I did listening to Danny prattle on and on.  For example, there were posters of Janet Jackson, George Michael and Mel Gibson on the walls and at one point, as seen in the photo above, D.J. clutches a Pillow Person called "Window Rattler":

I also liked the teacher, Ms. Agbabian.  The very recognizable character actress who plays her (with the delightful name of Lucy Lee Flippin) does a lot with her few lines and facial expressions.  Too bad she apparently never showed up again on the show.  I wouldn’t mind a Ms. Agbabian spin-off, where she adopts Kimmy and they go on wacky road trip adventures together.

Back to School Quotient: 3.  The scenes actually set at school are pretty light, but enough to evoke that nervous first day back pit of your stomach feeling.  And a lunch in a brown paper sack makes an appearance.

Own It, See It, Skip It?: I find the majority of Fulll House skippable, save for a select few Christmas episodes.  This episode is no exception.

TV'S GREATEST QUEER-THEMED EPISODES (1970s-2000)

It’s been a historic and particularly celebratory Gay Pride Month this year, given the recent historic Supreme Court ruling. Last year, in honor of Gay Pride Month, I made a list of the Greatest Queer TV Characters of All Time.  This year I decided to compile a list of the greatest queer-themed TV episodes.  Rather than rank them I’m going in chronological order to better show the evolution of queer representation on TV.  This list covers the 1970s through the year 2000, and one of these days I'll write Part 2, which will encompass the modern era. 

Please note that this list is NOT comprehensive—a lot of great queer characters, stories, and shows are not represented here.  These are just my personal favorites, and all are well-worth watching.

“My Brother’s Keeper”

The Mary Tyler Moore Show (Season 3, 1973)

Amazingly progressive for it’s time (and even by today’s standards), this episode of my beloved Mary Tyler Moore Show keeps its big gay twist for the very end.  Throughout the episode Phyllis is increasingly upset over the closeness of her visiting brother Ben and her archenemy Rhoda.  But just as Phyllis’ histrionics reach their peak (at one of Mary’s infamously disastrous parties, naturally), Rhoda reveals that Ben is gay and therefore they are simply good friends.  It’s the refreshingly casual way Rhoda reveals the info and Phyllis’ relieved reaction that make this episode a standout.  If only Ben hadn’t been limited to just a one-episode guest spot… Rhoda and Ben could have become the Jack and Karen of the 1970s!

“The Gay Bar”

Maude (Season 6, 1977)

I finally watched Maude from start to finish for the first time last year and I reveled in the show’s many progressive topics, but most of all Bea Arthur’s flawless, complicated portrayal of Maude herself.  True, this gay-themed episode is heavy-handed (as many of the show’s topical episodes were), but it’s also earnest in its intentions.  And Bea Arthur brings the funny, as always.  This episode concerns Maude’s efforts to combat homophobic neighbor Arthur’s campaign to close down a new gay bar in Tuckahoe.  Both Arthur and Maude end up at the bar, where, overzealous as always, Maude goes out of her way to bond with the gay patrons.

“Isn’t It Romantic?”

Golden Girls (Season 2, 1986)

Golden Girls is one of the most iconic gay shows of all time for many, many reasons (the women are all basically drag queens, for starters).  But aside from its camp sensibility the show tackled gay issues head-on multiple times (there was even a gay housekeeper named CoCo in the pilot episode, but he was—perhaps thankfully—dropped).  Aside from the episodes dealing with Blanche’s gay brother (who eventually got married on the show), we have this Season 2 episode dealing with Dorothy’s friend Jean.  On the heels of a breakup, Jean stays with the girls for a bit and finds herself falling in love with Rose—who is utterly clueless about Jean’s affections.  The scene in which Dorothy and Sophia explain that Jean is a lesbian to both Rose and Blanche is a highpoint:

But it’s the sweet acceptance and understanding that Rose ultimately displays that makes this episode something special.

“Killing All the Right People”

Designing Women (Season 2, 1987)

Oh boy, this episode deals with some heavy stuff and it does not have a typically happy sitcom ending.  But it does mark an extremely important moment in TV history, as the women of Sugarbakers Design Firm deal with the AIDS crisis.  Kendall, a friend and fellow decorator, comes to Sugarbakers’ and asks them to plan his funeral, as he is dying of AIDS.  Julia’s subsequent epic takedown of a homophobic client is the stuff of legend:

You’ll be sobbing by the end, though, as the last scene depicts Kendall’s funeral, a grimly realistic ending during the height of the AIDS crisis.  The episode is made all the more poignant with the knowledge that creator-writer Linda Bloodworth-Thomason’s own mother died of AIDS after being infected via a blood transfusion.

“Ladies’ Choice”

Roseanne (Season 5, 1992)

Roseanne Barr deserves a lot of credit for dragging gay rights issues out of the closet and on to our TV screens in the early 90s.  The fact that she has two gay siblings helped prompt her to introduce some of TV’s best and most long-running gay characters to Middle America at a time when it was still considered a big deal.  In this episode the character of Nancy comes out, much to Roseanne and Jackie’s disbelief (up to this point Nancy had been something of a man-eater).  Nancy is played by queer icon Sandra Bernhard and I love that she never sacrifices Nancy’s primary characteristic (her shallowness) in favor of her sexuality.  The show may be better known for the episode in which Roseanne shares a kiss with guest star Mariel Hemingway, but Nancy’s coming out in this episode remains my favorite of Roseanne’s many queer landmarks:

“Resolutions”

My So-Called Life (Season 1, 1995)

Last year I declared My So-Called Life’s Rickie Vasquez as my pick for the Greatest Queer TV Character of all time.  The show’s entire (and only) season is a wonderfully realistic portrayal of a gay teen’s struggle to accept his own sexuality and be accepted by those around him.  This New Year’s Eve episode (double points for being holiday themed!) is the pinnacle of that portrayal.  Rickie has been struggling mightily with both his sexuality and related domestic abuse up to this point, but it’s in this episode where he hits rock bottom—and finds help in the form of a sympathetic gay teacher.  Rickie’s story is heartbreakingly true to life.

“Woman to Woman”

Living Single (Season 3, 1997)

I will never stop proclaiming that Living Single is   one of the most underrated sitcoms of the 90s until we get all five seasons released on DVD!  This Season 3 episode involves my favorite character, Max.  Max’s college friend Shayla comes to New York for her wedding—but when she reveals she’s marrying a woman, Max reacts badly.  But the progressive twist is that Max isn’t upset that Shayla is a lesbian, but rather that she kept it a secret from her for so long when everyone else knew the truth.

“Homer’s Phobia”

The Simpsons (Season 8, 1997)

If I was ranking episodes based on merit, this one just might be my #1.  The Golden Age of The Simpsons brings us this gem of an episode, which never sacrifices the laughs while still managing some razor-sharp social commentary.  John Waters guest stars as a campy shopkeeper who charms the entire Simpson clan, but when Homer learns John is gay and fears his effect on Bart, hilarity ensues.  Homer’s attempts to set Bart on a straight and narrow path are particularly funny.  The gay steel mill scene is one of the series’ highlights

By the episode’s end Homer has a change of heart and mind after being rescued from some rabid reindeer by John.   The Simpsons would go on to have several gay-themed episode in its later years, but never any as funny or insightful as “Homer’s Phobia.”

“Gay Yellow Pages”

Ellen (Season 5, 1997)

Yes, the quality of Ellen dipped after her the character and the real-life Ellen came out, but there were still some great episodes in the show’s fifth and final season.  Take for example “Gay Yellow Pages,” in which a newly out Ellen Morgan tries to connect with the gay community by hosting a prideful party.  However she feels the pressure to be politically correct and only frequent gay-friendly companies, resulting in her hiring a completely incompetent (and scantily clad) gay plumber.  Ellen’s efforts to later hide the fact that she hired a (seemingly) straight plumber to undo the damage while in the midst of hosting her party makes for some great, frenetic comedy.

We’ve now covered TV’s early and awesome efforts to portray queer characters and storylines.  We've come a long way baby, and we owe a lot to these shows for breaking new ground and paving the way for even better, funnier and more poignant portrayals of queer life to come.  

FATHER'S DAY

Jem and the Holograms

Season 2 (1987)

I consider myself a child of the 80s as well as the early 90s, but the Jem and the Holograms cartoon was never much on my radar growing up.  My only true association with the show was the fact that my sister owned a Jem doll and once (Defense: I was very young!) I smacked her in the face with it and gave her a bloody nose.  The “Jem doll incident” is part of our family lore but aside from that I never had much of a Jem connection.  Now Jem is having something a renaissance, with a upcoming live-action movie that I will definitely not be seeing, an amazing new comic book adaptation that I can’t recommend enough, and a new audience via Netflix streaming.

I’ve started watching the show and instantly became a fan.  It encompasses all of the neon glamour and excess of the 80s that I love and is camp of the highest order.  What I didn’t realize is how bonkers some of the storylines are—the show goes far beyond rock stars and holograms and features a weird blend of action adventure and real-world issues, including but not limited to: the lost city of Shangri-La, desert islands, illiteracy, runaway trains, drug addiction, zombies, Yugoslavia, and time travel.

I was pleasantly surprised to learn that Jem also has a Father’s Day-themed episode.  Father’s Day episodes, unlike Mother’s Day episodes, are few and far between, usually because most shows have already ended their seasons by June.  It’s doubly surprisingly that Jem, of all shows, has a Father’s Day episode because it’s a cartoon about female rock stars aimed at a young audience.  Since I’ve been enjoying my recent exploration of the Jemverse I happily settled in to watch Season 2’s “Father’s Day.”

One thing I’ve grown to appreciate about the show is that episodes often focus on the many supporting characters, such as members of rival band the Misfits or friends of Jem and the Holograms.  In “Father’s Day” the focus is on Clash, the Misfit’s number one fan and hanger-on, and Video, the Hologram’s videographer (in the world of Jem you will mostly likely be named after your primary occupation/characteristic, such as videographer Video or dancer Danse.  I guess my Jem named would be Editorix?  Bloggera?).  Video and Clash are cousins who grew up on the same street, but as adults they’ve allied themselves with rival bands, as happens in life.  In this episode, both of them return to their hometown for its annual Father’s Day Banquet, bringing the Holograms and the Misfits and a whole lot of trouble with them.

While Video and Clash fight for the spotlight and the admiration of the locals, Jem and the Holograms are preparing a special song to perform in honor of Video’s dad.  Band member Kimber, however, refuses to write the song since she misses her own (deceased) father.  Kimber eventually pulls a Gerald O’Hara, angrily riding a horse that bucks her off, and then has a change of heart when she meets the father of Pizzazz, the bitchy lead singer of the Misfits.  Just when things are looking bad for Video at the Father’s Day Banquet (which has no food or even tables and looks like a high school dance), the Holograms make a splashy entrance, arriving in Pizzazz’s dad’s private jet.  They perform their song but, surprisingly, Pizzazz and her dad do not reconcile by the end of the episode.

The best part of any Jem episode, aside from the amazing outfits the characters wear, are the music video segments.  Two to three times an episode the Holograms and Misfits will break into song, accompanied by psychedelic imagery.  In this case we’re treated to Kimber’s lament for her late father, “Something Is Missing In My Life,” as well as the Misfits’s unfortunately named “Let’s Blow This Town.”  The finale song and ode to fatherhood is “You’re Always In My Heart.”  I love the songs mostly because they are extremely literal and the lyrics usually just repeat the song’s title ad nauseum—a character will say something like “I’m thirsty” and suddenly the music video text appears and they start singing “I’m thirsty/So thirsty/Life makes me thirsty/I’m sooooo thiirrrsssttttyy!”

This episode didn’t exactly move me to tears but it had all of the elements that make Jem such a fun and highly watchable show.  The animation is terrible but the nostalgia factor is high, and you may find yourself humming “Let’s Blow This Town” after watching.

I hope all you dads out there have a truly, truly outrageous Father’s Day!

Father’s Day Quotient: 3

Own It, See It, Skip It?: You may not be able to convince your dad to sit and watch with you, but this one is worth seeing.

SOUNDS OF THE SEASON: SAD SONGS FOR MOTHER'S DAY

To celebrate the approach of Mother’s Day, I present to you a trio of three seemingly unassuming animated scenes/songs about mothers that will give you an emotional punch to the gut. 

I’m not sure why, but over the years animated films and shows have brought us some of the most heart-wrenching songs about mothers and motherhood.  Maybe it’s because they are aimed at children and mothers play a big role in their day-to-day lives, or maybe most animators have a lot of guilt over treating their mothers badly?  Whatever the reason, these songs are guaranteed to trigger your “rush to the phone and call your mom to thank her for everything” instinct.  

First up is "Your Mother and Mine" from Disney's 1953 animated film Peter Pan.  We bought the Blu-Ray edition and recently re-watched Peter Pan, and let me tell you I forgot how dark this movie is.  Peter Pan is seriously dickish and Tinker Bell and the mermaids tooare basically homicidal.  Don't get me wrong-- none of the above diminishes my enjoyment of the movie, which is firmly ensconced in my Top 25 Animated Disney Films list.  I just didn't remember how much refreshingly sour was mixed in the sweet.  There's also this tremendously sad scene, in which Wendy guilt trips the Lost Boys and her brothers via song.  The lyrics and tone of the song are quite melancholy by themselves, but when you remember that the Lost Boys are all either orphans or runaways (or kidnap victims-- I wouldn't put it past Peter) it adds an extra layer of sadness over the proceedings. You'll be sobbing like Smee by the end, and no need to wipe off your own war paint, because your tears will do it for you:

Feeling the blues yet?  If not, this next little ditty should do the trick.  From one of my current favorites, Disney Channel's wildly successful animated series Sofia the First, comes this song from last year's Mother's Day episode.  Sofia's mom, formerly a commoner, married the king and Sofia got herself a stepdad and two step-siblings (she also got a castle, servants, a magical amulet granting her the ability to talk to animals, and enrolled in a school run by fairies  But I'm not jealous.  Not at all).  But in this poignant song Sofia expresses her melancholy at having to now share her mom's affections.  Yes, she's singing to her witch friend but don't let her presence distract you from this heartfelt and surprisingly catchy song:

"Me and my mooooommmmm...."

You are crying now, right?  If not I must assume you are some sort of robot.  And not the emotional replicant kind yearning to be human, but some sort of Terminator assassin type sent to the past to read blogs about holiday-themed media.

Okay, I saved the saddest for lastest.  One of the most overlooked gems of the 80s is 1987's The Chimpunk Adventure.  This animated movie was a staple of my childhood; my sister and I rented it from our local video store religiously, along with our two other holy scriptures, The Muppets Take Manhattan and Troop Beverly Hills.  The story, which involves the Chipmunks and Chipettes in a hot-air balloon race around the world, collecting dolls secretly stuffed with diamonds by smugglers, is bananas in the best way.  There are thrilling action sequences, gender politics, and fascinating geo-politics at work here.  And the music!  "Diamond Dolls" is seriously one of the greatest songs EVER.  I listen to it constantly.  "The Girls & Boys of Rock & Roll" is a close second.  There's also a pretty racist song about Mexico and siestas that we'll conveniently ignore right now.

And then there's "My Mother."  Both the song itself and the scene that contains it are heartBREAKING.  The song is devastatingly sad on its own, but when coupled with the "sick penguin who needs to be reunited with its mother" storyline and visuals...just try and resist the sadness.  Just to up the ante, here is the scene and song from the movie playing simultaneously with a modern-day toddler's reaction.  This little girl is me in 1987 watching the movie and me now.  She is feeling ALL the emotions.  This is also a commentary on the modern state of parenting, where you record your child's heartfelt emotions and broadcast them to the world.  I've tried to adequately prepare you, I truly have.  Now watch:

Okay, that's it.  Time to go call my mom.  

SPRING FOR STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE

Strawberry Shortcake

Season 1 (2003)

We had another obnoxiously early Easter this year, and Mother’s Day is still a ways off (though fast approaching).  This makes for a somewhat tricky time in terms of material for the blog.  The weather is finally starting to turn warm and spring is setting in, but there isn’t an abundance of spring-themed TV episodes and films.  Luckily, years of obsessive research has given me an option for just such an occasion. Hence "Spring for Strawberry Shortcake," the second episode of the 2003 reboot of the greeting card character turned 80s childhood icon.  Previously I watched and somewhat surprisingly very much enjoyed the Christmas episode of this rather short-lived series, so perhaps my hopes were a bit too high going in to this.

We begin in Strawberryland, still coated in winter’s snow, where Strawberry Shortcake is eagerly awaiting the arrival of spring.  She explains to her (I assume baby sister?) Apple Dumplin’ what spring is and how great it is and so on and so forth.  She then assembles her various dessert-themed friends and pets (including the delightfully bitchy cat Custard and braggart horse Honey Pie) to help with the spring planting.  Along the way we’re “treated” to several songs about spring, working together, seeds, etc.

And yet spring still fails to show so Strawberry, in a plot almost indentical to the Christmas episode, sets out to find it.  She’s joined by a couple of her friends along the way, who have their own reasons for wanting spring (it involves a checklist of seasonal items like butterflies, flowers, green grass, baby birds and on and on).  Around this point we get the episode’s best song, a vaguely Calypso number called “Strawberry Jammin.’”  It was also at this point that I paused the TV and was dismayed to see that there was 20 minutes left to go.

Strawberry and her pals cross paths with Old Man Winter, who tells them Spring is an actual person and they have to go the Land of Seasons to find her.  “The Land of Seasons” sounds exactly like the kind of place I’d like to go to, so I perked up a bit at this point.  In short order they get there and meet Spring herself.  If you’ve ever wondered what the embodiment of Spring looks like, she’s around 12 years old and wears a green tutu.  Spring and the Strawberry gang pal around, throwing snowballs, until Spring is convinced to stop having fun and get to goddamn work.  She uses her magic to melt the snow, bring the flowers and trees to life, and at LONG last spring has officially arrived in Strawberryland.

There are several rather jumbled morals presented to us throughout the episode (some through song).  There’s something about teamwork and working together to plant crops, and something else about Spring needing to not be lazy and do her duty—I guess?  This show is definitely aimed at more of a preschool audience, so the plotting is light, the songs are endless, and the animation is pretty iffy.  This episode lacked the charms and clever wordplay of "A Very Berry Christmas," and also suffered from a lack of Custard’s bitchy repartee.  And Strawberry Shortcake media of any form suffers when Sour Grapes, the evil diva herself, fails to make an appearance:

Spring Quotient: A 5, as it doesn’t get much springier than this.

Own It, See It, Skip It?: This one definitely falls into the category of “I watched it so you don’t have to.”  Skip it!