VALENTINE'S DAY

Roseanne
Season 3 (1991)

I was delighted to discover this Valentine’s Day episode of Roseanne; I’m a big fan of the show but somehow had never seen this.  First things first: the terrible hair!  Roseanne went through many looks over the course of the show but she’s sporting a truly awful hairstyle in this episode: cut short and dyed a weird shade of red.  Even Jackie has bad hair in this episode, eschewing her classic short hairdo for bangs and long locks.  I just had to get the hair out of the way.

The Conner men fail at Valentine's Day

We begin on Valentine’s Day morning, and Dan has forgotten the holiday.  Roseanne preys on his guilt, especially when DJ gives her a Valentine.  DJ’s Valentine turns out to be “From Warren,” as he says the one he made was no good and so he fished Warren’s discarded, gravy-stained Valentine out of the trash.  Everything in Roseanne’s life needs to be just a bit beat-up (and better yet gravy-stained), which is why the show is so relatable and true-to-life (and why the final season was so terrible!).

The greatest spin-off that never was

After consulting with Jackie, Dan reluctantly heads to the mall to buy Roseanne’s desired gift: lingerie.  This was by far my favorite part of the episode, as it introduces us to the “BIG and Beautiful” lingerie store in the Lanford Mall.  Dan, as a man surrounded by women and panties, is a nervous wreck.  Upon entering the store he’s assessed by the two sales associates, who try to determine if he’s  a pervert or just a husband.  They come to his aid but he eventually runs off without buying anything.

All kinds of yes!

The two store employees, neither of whom is plus-sized and who are named Amy and Jennifer, sport some amazing 90s looks and have a very fun dynamic.  Amy is wearing a floral Laura Ashley-type dress and has weird curlicues gelled to the sides of her face.  I was utterly amazed when I looked it up and discovered that she was played by a very young Judy Gold, a favorite comedian of mine (and if you know anything about Judy Gold and her laid-back persona, it makes sense why she looks so uncomfortable in a giant floral dress).  We as a society were robbed of our “BIG and Beautiful” spinoff show!  I would have loved to watch a show set in the store and witnessed the further adventures of Amy and Jennifer!

The main plot of the episode concerns Becky trying to help Darlene get a date for the Valentine’s Day dance, but Darlene’s crush ends up asking Becky instead, inadvertently egged on by Roseanne.  The sisters eventually work things out, and Dan ends up giving Roseanne a homemade Valentine, not the lingerie she asked for.  He writes a cute little poem and signs it “From Warren” so Roseanne forgives him and goes to the bedroom to “try it on.”

This episode also features two notable side characters.  We are first introduced to Martin Mull as Leon, Roseanne’s manager at the restaurant (and later business partner).  Leon was eventually revealed to be gay and remained a very positive gay presence on TV when such a thing was still rare (and sadly still kind of is).  The other is a cameo appearance by Baby Tobey Maguire as Jeff, one of Darlene’s crush’s friends.  So much 90s goodness packed into one great holiday episode!

I love how Roseanne is looming in the background.  Look out, Tobey!

Recurring Themes: Dan does some Last Minute Shopping.

Valentine’s Day Quotient: 3

See It, Skip It, Own It?
Worth a watch, especially is you are a fan of Roseanne and/or of 90s fashions!