HALLOWEEN

Beverly Hills, 90210

Season 2 (1991)

I recently read StoriTelling, the first of Tori Spelling’s many books.  My sister was a big Beverly Hills, 90210 fan but I mostly missed that boat, only absorbing bits and pieces as it played in the background while I played with action figures.  I was, however, a fan of the strangely compelling reality series Tori & Dean: Inn Love (don’t judge me!).  The memoir was pretty enjoyable; Tori dished the appropriate amount of dirt, especially when it came to her witchy mother and everyone’s favorite 90s bad girl Shannen Doherty.  In the book she referenced this Halloween episode of Beverly Hills, 90210, comparing the movement-impairing mermaid outfit her character Donna wears to her real life elaborate childhood Halloween costumes.

Intrigued, with the help of the Soap Network and TIVO I was able to watch this episode for the first time.  It opens with a series of slow, lingering, almost pornographic shots of various jack o’lanterns.  The teens (none of whom look even remotely like actual teens) are planning their upcoming Halloween festivities.  Brandon stays home to dress as a vampire and hand out candy.  Andrea is volunteering at some sort of children’s charity event (God, she was such a dork).  The rest head to a party hosted at some random Victorian manor. 

You do not want to be on the receiving end of Brenda Walsh's disapproval

The main plot concerns Kelly and her “provocative” witch costume.  It’s laughable because by today’s slutty standards her Elvira-esque dress is tamer than tame.  However from the costume shop scene on we get it drilled into our heads that SHE’S MAKING A BAD DECISION.  Brenda’s sole purpose in this episode to chase Kelly around and chastise her every five minutes.  I never knew how heavy on the moralizing this show was! 

Sure enough Kelly meets a college guy dressed like a cowboy and they engage in about 20 minutes worth of terrible costume-based banter (all about “sharing her broomstick” and “riding off into the sunset together” and so on).  After insisting she eat a quesadilla (I was convinced it was a date-rape drug laced quesadilla but nope… he just really wanted her to eat it, I guess? That plot point goes nowhere) he locks her in a bedroom and attacks her before she’s rescued by Donna and Brenda.

Kelly confronts the Cowboy

The assault scene is really unpleasant, as I’m sure was the intention.  Even more upsetting is the fact that basically after being called a jerk and being forced to leave the party no one does anything about the would-be rapist.  There is no discussion of, I don’t know, calling the police?  Prosecution? Anything?!  Maybe a PSA ran after this episode or something because otherwise it sends a pretty poor message about how to handle this type of situation.

Steve as Zorro & David as Fashion Mistakes of the 90s

The first half of the episode is pretty fun.  The obligatory costume shop scene has an insane amount of music cues and sound effects crammed in.  Every time someone even mentions a costume we get accompanying sound effects: an arrow zinging for Robin Hood; old timey piano music for Bonnie and Clyde.  The party scenes are enjoyable, as is Brandon’s subplot (he ends trick-or-treating with a love interest and her niece and nephew) but man, things get so freakin’ heavy.  The almost-rape scene and extreme sermonizing weigh things down, making for a really mixed bag. 

Recurring Themes: Brandon and Andrea provide us with a Carving Pumpkins Intro.  Donna wears a Movement Impairing Mermaid Costume.

Halloween Quotient: There’s plenty of Halloween to go around but the melodrama outweighs the fun, resulting in a 3.

See It, Skip It, Watch It: Skip it!

TRICK OR TREEHOUSE

8 Simple Rules

Season 1 (2002)

Shiny happy pumpkin people.

I’d never watched an episode of 8 Simple Rules before now; I only knew it as the show that John Ritter was starring in when he passed away.  It’s a very sitcomy sitcom—in the bad way.  The jokes and the characters are stale (blonde sexpot daughter, redheaded smart daughter, etc.).  The worst part though was the overwhelmingly loud laugh track.  At one point I rewound because I thought I’d missed some amazing joke based on the uproarious fake laughter.  But nope, the “joke” was something about “letting your wife work.”  The laugh track technician just leaned on the button too long or something.

It's bad when the cyclops jack-o-lantern has more personality than the human characters.

I can’t remember any of the characters’ names so we’ll just call them Family.  The episode begins with Family carving pumpkins and discussing their plans for the upcoming holiday.  Dad is excited for the usual traditions: trick-or-treating with Son and then the entire clan spending the night in a treehouse.  Except no one is interested this year and it’s only after being grounded one by one that the teens are forced to camp out.

Dad finally realizes that he can’t force the love and everyone is freed.  However when a thunderstorm hits and the power goes the teens show up at their parents’ bedroom door, resulting in some cozy reminiscence. 

John Ritter vs. Too Old To Trick or Treat.

The Halloween elements, when they appear, are enjoyable.  The carving pumpkins intro scene is the highlight and there are a few good Halloween jokes.   We get a couple trick-or-treaters (including one dressed as Sully from Monsters, Inc.—hello ABC-Disney synergy!) before Family trundles off to the treehouse for boring family bonding.  I always get absurdly excited when I recognize objects that I own on screen so I was particularly thrilled to note that Family has the exact same fall leaf garlands that I do.

Recurring Themes: Unsurprisingly this clichéd sitcom relies on Too Old To Trick or Treat.  It also features the Carving Pumpkins Intro and a Dark & Stormy Blackout.

Halloween Quotient: This earns an uninspired 2.

See It, Skip It, Own It?

You can skip this one and its overpowering laugh track.