CHEESEBURGERS IN PARADISE

Salute Your Shorts

Season 1 (1991)

When I think of summer camp, I immediately think of Salute Your Shorts.  While re-watching just the first scene of “Cheeseburgers in Paradise” I was immediately struck by how my childhood favorite, Salute Your Shorts, and Orange Is the New Black, one of my current TV favorites, are exactly the same show.  The opening scene of this episode has the red-haired bully Budnick dealing contraband food disguised as everyday objects.  Orange Is the New Black has the character of Red, who deals in contraband food.  Counselor Ug is just like the prison guard Pornstache.  Both shows deal with confinement, rule-breaking, bullies, bad cafeteria food—this episode of Salute Your Shorts even has a prison break of sorts!  The list of similarities is endless..

First, a programming note: the version of this episode that I have, purchased from iTunes (also on Amazon), is titled "Cheeseburgers in Paradise."  However online it's widely called "Donkeylips and Sponge Weigh In."  I can't verify which once is the correct title, but both work well enough.

Now, a warning: watching this particular episode of Salute Your Shorts will make you hungry.  It’s all about food: good food, bad food, and the repercussions of food on all of our lives.  In this episode campers Sponge and Donkeylips are both trying to enter a wrestling competition, the winner of which gets a lobster dinner at a fancy restaurant (because kids go crazy for lobster!).  Sponge is underweight and Donkeylips overweight, so resident jock Telly serves as their trainer, having them respectively bulk up on bananas and run laps.  As a kid I was the size of wispy Sponge—sadly as an adult I find myself relating to Donkeylips.  Times sure have changed-- I’m going to the gym when I finish writing this post!

Meanwhile the other campers, disgusted by the camp’s “Bratwurst Surprise,” are plotting to order food from a local hamburger joint.  Budnick eventually forces Sponge and Donkeylips to go and buy the contraband food, with Ug hot on their trail.  Despite a series of mishaps they managed to smuggle the food into camp and everyone devours it before Ug discovers them.  However when it comes time for their final weigh-in, both boys have the food wrappers stuffed under their clothes and they can’t shed the extra weight without busting everyone.  Don’t worry; it has a happy ending, as they both manage to meet their weight goals even with the burger wrappers stuffed down their sweatshirts.

This episode is surprisingly poignant, as both Sponge and Donkeylips bond over being bullied about their size.  The friendship that grows between them is really sweet and genuine, especially for Donkeylips, who only wants to win a wrestling trophy to impress his neglectful parents.  Even Ug, normally the antagonist, is rather nice and supportive in this episode, as he’s rooting for the boys to make their goals.

And then there’s the food!  Sponge and Donkeylips sneak off to a place that’s called “The Tummy Pleaser.”  For such a small place in the middle of the woods, it has an impressively large menu: burgers, tuna salad, pies, tacos, tamales, and frozen yogurt are all seen or advertised.  The scene in which the kids wolf down their burgers will have you hearing the siren song of McDonald’s.  Even better, the music that plays during the eating montage is the same music heard in beloved TV special The Halloween That Almost Wasn’t!  One scene has kids eating hamburgers and the other a witch flying across the night sky, but the score is one and the same.  This type of TV synergy is what I live for!

Apparently I'm not the only one with fond memories of this episode, because someone created this awesome fan art of Donkeylips carting Sponge to The Tummy Pleaser in a wheelbarrow:

Camp Activities: Wrestling, Running the Mile, Eating

Camp Quotient: It’s pretty darn campy, earning a 4.

See It, Skip It, Own It?

I think I’ve effectively established that Salute Your Shorts is awesome.  Sadly only about half of the series is available for purchase via download. We need a full DVD release!

THE GHOST STORY (AKA ZEKE THE PLUMBER)

Salute Your Shorts

Season 1 (1991)

I am lucky enough to have grown up in the Golden Age of Nickelodeon, an embarrassment of riches in terms of kid TV shows.  Salute Your Shorts was my favorite among the live-action offerings (Rugrats takes the best animated show award and I will happily debate any of you about these choices).  Since Salute Your Shorts took place entirely at a summer camp the writers were hard-pressed to include holiday episodes, but in lieu of a proper Halloween episode they came up with this spooky alternative (a tried and true TV tradition).  They even found a way to sneak in a jack o’lantern.

Ug, scary story time and some taper candles.

The campers get together for a scary story night during which Budnick tells the tale of former Camp Anawanna janitor-plumber Zeke.  Having lost his nose and sense of smell due to an unfortunate parrot incident Zeke couldn’t detect a gas leak until it was too late, lighting a match and blowing himself to smithereens.  Now he haunts campers’ dreams with his cursed plunger.  Having touched the plunger, Telly and Michael both have nightmares about Zeke.  Oh, Nickelodeon!  Such halcyon days full of childlike wonder and

OHMYGODWHATTHEFUCKISTHISHELPMEGODMAKEITGOAWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, Zeke is fucking terrifying.  He’s like the deranged lovechild of Freddy Krueger and Leatherface with some clown elements thrown in for good measure.  This episode is forever etched into the traumatized brains of those of us who first saw it as kids, so much so that it’s often erroneously titled just “Zeke the Plumber” online. The reason that the Nick shows of the 90s are so timeless and superior to modern kid shows is that they were smart, dark and never played down to their audience.  Zeke makes this episode genuinely scary and it vacillates between goofy comedy and adult horror-movie level frights with ease.

Anyhoo, the campers and Ug band together to scare Budnick.  He agrees to camp out on the spot where Zeke blew up and then thwarts their efforts to spook him (including one hilarious scene in which the girls knock a melon off a Budnick dummy and freak out).  Donkeylips even dons a jack o’lantern mask (because they have those lying around summer camps) and runs around the woods for most of the episode, unable to see.  Ug almost gets the better of Budnick when he shows up dressed like Zeke but the tables are turned once again and he ends swinging upside down from a tree.  But Budnick finally gets his comeuppance when his fear of spiders proves his downfall (a fear that is not-so-subtly broadcast about 20 times throughout the episode).

The gang's all here!

And now, because no one requested it, here is my idea of where all of the characters would be today.  Dina is obviously starring on the Real Housewives: Camp edition.  Telly joined the WNBA and came out (better late than never).  Ug lives in his parents’ basement.  Z.Z. has her own green products company and is best friends with Ed Begley, Jr.  Donkeylips died after chugging too much beer during a frat party.  Michael and Ronnie both got 9 to 5 jobs, married (not each other), had kids and moved to the suburbs (because they’re the boring characters no cares about).  Sponge made big money in video game design and then retired at 25, buying and running Camp Anawanna for fun.  And finally, after stints in juvie and prison, the only job Budnick could find was working as a counselor at the camp, becoming the thing he hates the most: the new Ug.

One more scare, for good measure!

Halloween Quotient: My heart wants me to give this a 5 but since it’s technically not a Halloween episode I am resigned to a 4.

See It, Skip It, Own It?

Luckily this is one a handful of episodes available for sale on Amazon and iTunes; do yourself and the world a favor and go buy all of the episodes available in the hopes that Nickelodeon will notice and give us a proper DVD release.