BAR WARS III: THE RETURN OF TECUMESH

Cheers
Season 8 (1990)

My viewing of Cheers been scattershot and confined to Diane-centric episodes, as the character of Diane Chambers is, in my not-so-humble opinion, the show’s best asset. I’ve never ventured past Season 5, after which Shelley Long famously departed the show and was replaced by Kirstie Alley. Despite the switch, Cheers successfully went on for several more seasons, but my suspicions were confirmed after watching this Season 6 episode that a Diane-less Cheers is not a place where I want to go (nor does everyone know my name, but that’s a separate issue).

It makes sense that a show set in a bar would have several St. Patrick’s Day episodes.  This is part of a series of “Bar Wars” episodes that played out over the course of several seasons; at least one other one was set on St. Patrick’s Day and another on Halloween.  All of them involve an ongoing prank war with rival bar Gary’s Old Time Tavern.  

Cliff isn't wearing green in this picture!  Somebody pinch him!

The first ten minutes of this episode are quite promising, and brimming with St. Patty’s Day cheer.  Carla is even wearing shamrock earrings!  Rebecca has a very 90s green bow in her hair and pulls out a box of decorations (all of which have the bar’s name misspelled as “Chees”).  There are orders of Irish coffees and Frasier says that St. Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland is a Freudian dream.  Unfortunately after ten very festive minutes the holiday is over and we’re left with a stale “prank war” plot.

After the barflies notice that their cigar store Indian mascot (the titular Tecumesh) has gone missing, they suspect Gary’s Old Time Tavern.  They pull a prank of their own, only for Rebecca to reveal that she sent the Indian out for refinishing.  Fearing retaliation for their unprovoked prank, they decide to prank themselves first (their logic is fuzzy at best).  The episode ends with several of the guys getting Mohawks in the shape of Gary’s name—but then it’s revealed that Gary has been out of town and his bar closed the entire time.

Despite the very fun beginning, the rest of the episode is a reminder of why I avoided Cheers for a long time (before I discovered the delights of Diane): too many dopey male characters acting like dopes.  Middle-aged bros playing pranks is not my idea of a good time, nor does it have anything to do with St. Patrick’s Day.  Save your prank war episodes for April Fool’s Day or even Halloween; I’ll stick to the Irish coffees and the shamrock earrings.

St. Patrick’s Day Quotient: It would be higher if the whole episode lived up to the promising beginning, forcing me to give it a 3.

See It, Skip It, Own It?
See the first ten minutes (streaming now on Netflix) and skip the rest.

Drink Up!

ST. PATRICK'S DAY

The Office
Season 6 (2010)

Once upon a time my office had a sort of optional snow day.  Early in the work day the head honcho gave everyone the option of going home due to an impending snow storm.  Of course everyone jumped at the opportunity and quickly abandoned ship—everyone but my then boss.  No, she decided to stay and work ALL day.  Meanwhile my absent co-workers were sending me pictures of them frolicking in the snow while I sat in the deathly-quiet office.  Even the receptionist had gone home and most of the lights were turned out, but I had no choice but to stay as long as my boss did.  It was AGONY.  This episode of The Office perfectly captures that very situation, and compounds it by setting it on St. Patrick’s Day.

We open on St. Patty’s Day, with the Dunder Mifflin employees wearing their best green outfits and notorious lush Meredith revering the holiday as the most sacred of days.  It’s also the last day in the office for new owner Jo Bennett (played by the always welcome Kathy Bates) and Michael is doing his best to cozy up to her.  Of course he goes way overboard in his efforts, taking her casual comment to stop by and visit her sometime in Florida as an invitation to book multiple plane tickets.  Michael is taken aback when Jo finally loses it and chastises him in front of his employees.

Michael displays the ubiquitous St. Patrick's Day green tie

When the clock hits 5 and everyone is preparing to hit the town to celebrate the holiday, Jo decides to stay and work late. A now-timid Michael feels that he and everyone else must stay as well.  Thus the agonizing waiting game begins; a few people attempt escape but only Jim manages to successfully slip out, stealing Dwight’s idea of claiming he has a business dinner (Dwight had it coming, as throughout the episode he attempts to drive Jim out by making him feel guilty over being away from his newborn daughter).

Michael finally reclaims his gumption and tells Jo he’s releasing the staff, saying that he’s satisfied with the work they’ve done.  Jo respects this show of managerial authority and everything ends happily, with the gang celebrating at a pub.  While it’s a great episode, the St. Patrick’s Day stuff is really just window dressing, via the green outfits (Andy wears a kilt!) and office decorations.  We do get a couple of brief scenes set at rowdy pubs but the emphasis is definitely not on the holiday—though kudos to The Office for even doing a St. Patrick’s Day episode in the first place.

Drugstore decorations and kilts = holiday magic!

My favorite moment?  Early on we get a brief glimpse of receptionist Erin picking through a bag of M&Ms and slowly filling a candy dish with just the green ones.  It’s a small but true-to-life moment—I once spent a significant amount of time picking out Halloween-colored M&Ms for a party only to realize that Reese’s Pieces are all the autumn-colored candy you need.  Moments like these show the lengths people will go to be on-theme, and that’s something I can only respect and admire.

St. Patrick’s Day Quotient: 3

See It, Skip It, Own It?
Despite the rather low holiday quotient, this is a fun episode that's worth seeing—but you don’t have to rush.

ST. PATRICK'S DAY

30 Rock
Season 6 (2012)

You may have gathered from the recent dearth of posts that the various Valentine’s Day episodes I’ve been watching were leaving me rather uninspired.  While I can’t be counted among the V-Day “Hallmark holiday” haters (I could never truly hate any holiday), Valentine’s Day episodes were proving rather dull. Now we enter a new and exciting time, as the next few holidays are going to prove challenging in terms of ferreting out TV episodes.  St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, Arbor Day and the rest of the spring holidays are not nearly as favored by sitcom writers, which makes the episodes that do exist rare and special.  I live for the obscure (even the semi-obscure) so this is going to be fun!

After that pep talk, my first St. Patrick’s Day post comes from a hardly obscure source, as 30 Rock is much beloved and well-known.  But I wanted to start with something I knew would be good, and 30 Rock never lets me down.  And with a main character named Jack Donaghy you just know that this show is going to deliver a solid ode to St. Patrick’s Day (actually two, as there is also Season 3’s “The Funcooker”).  

As typical of the modern, slightly schizophrenic sitcom style, we are treated to not one but three different storylines, all set in NYC on St. Patrick’s Day.  Our heroine Liz Lemon detests the holiday and plans on dressing all in orange and barricading herself in her apartment along with her boyfriend Criss in order to avoid the drunken masses.  Her plans are ruined when her douchey ex-boyfriend Dennis shows up and proceeds to drive a wedge between Liz and Criss by exposing her inability to say “I love you” (one of her evasions, as seen in flashback, is simply saying “Scooby Doo!”).

The orange-clad couple judge from their ivory apartment tower

Meanwhile Jenna and Tracy are tasked with live-hosting the St. Patrick’s Day parade, but they end up clashing on-air over who is the bigger celebrity.  Their boss Jack also finds himself at loose ends when he is beaten by a role-playing game that the writers are playing (they also stay in during St. Patrick’s day because they all have faces that invite punching).  Jack finds the difficult game, a parody of Settlers of Catan, to be a metaphor for his own stagnant career, though he eventually rallies and wins both the game and his confidence back.

After being unmasked by Dennis as being more Irish than she’d care to admit, Liz runs after Criss, braving the drunken hordes (she dons Incredible Hulk gloves, as they were the only green thing she owned).  Liz finally tells Chriss that she loves him, which is broadcast live via the parade.  The episodes ends with Jenna singing “Danny Boy,” because you can never go wrong with Jenna Maroney (aka Jane Krakowski) and her lovely singing voice.

Tracy Morgan makes for a surprisingly convincing leprechaun.  Also: hobgoblin.

Special events that inspire drinking, like St. Patrick’s Day, baseball games and the dreaded Santa Con (*shudder*) do tend to be nightmares in the city, especially on the subway.  So I can totally relate to Liz, though not to her wearing orange (that’s just wrong; I far prefer Jack’s shiny green tie in this episode).  I also loathed Settlers of Catan the one time I played it, so this episode was pretty much tailor-made for me, including even the Incredible Hulk gloves.  

If you’re looking to get in the Irish spirit this March but want to avoid the legions of “it’s a holiday so I can be a drunken asshole" assholes, you can model yourself after Liz and stay in and order Thai food.  Or follow my method: right after work go to the nearest pub in walking distance, gulp down a meal of corned beef and cabbage and get the hell out of there by 6 or 6:30.  Head home and settle in, content in the knowledge that you did your holiday pub duty while still making it home in time for brownies with green-mint icing and a viewing of Darby O’Gill and the Little People.

St. Patrick’s Day Quotient: 4

See It, Skip It, Own It?
Embrace your inner Irish: go watch this episode!

HEY, BABY, WHAT'S WRONG?

30 Rock

Season 6 (2012)

I've never before been so committed to watching Valentine's Day episodes, so it's been fun tracking a whole new set of TV tropes that come with the holiday.  I've discovered that pretty much every Valentine's Day-themed episode, whether it be sitcom, drama or reality show, will feature at least one character who hates the holiday and decries it as a made-up "Hallmark holiday."  Indeed, judging by TV standards alone, Valentine's Day must easily be the most hated holiday of them all.  30 Rock not only brought us numerous Valentine's Day episodes over the course of its seven seasons, but it also crowned Liz Lemon the Queen of Hating Valentine's Day (a crown I would like to see-- I'm picturing iron spikes piercing paper hearts).

30 Rock made Valentine's Day episodes a tradition so there are a wealth to choose from.  The best and wackiest (which is saying something) is probably the hour-long "Hey, Baby, What's Wrong?" AKA The Ikea Episode.  We begin with Liz Lemon being awakened by her boyfriend Criss, who serenades her with a half-written love song.  Liz tells him that she plans on ignoring the holiday, based on her history of disastrous February 14ths (which we are shown a quick montage of, flashing back to some of the earlier episodes).  Criss convinces Liz that now that they are together they can turn the holiday around, promising to make her a romantic dinner, complete with "mashed potatoes served in martini glasses."  Yum!  When they realize that they don't even have a dining room table, however, a horrified Liz states that they'll have to go Ikea.

The rest of the episode unfolds as Criss and Liz attempt to navigate the store without arguing, as Ikea tends to destroy relationships.  This makes total sense to me, as Target tends to be kryptonite for Nick and I; rarely can we make a Target trip without some sort of argument ensuing.  Blame the stress, blame the crowds, blame the rage-inducing red shopping carts.  In this episode Ikea plays a similar role, challenging Liz and Criss' happiness at every turn.  There's even a stalkerish employee who follows their increasing tension with creepy glee, feeding off of their misery.  

You've just gotta love those blue giant-sized Ikea bags!

Despite Criss' efforts to buy heart-shaped salt and pepper shakers, Liz eventually blows her top when he can't decide on a table.  They end up arguing and she stalks off, convinced their relationship is over and that Ikea has won.  However once she returns home she finds a totally calm Criss, who has assembled a table out of tree limbs and an old Herman Cain campaign poster and cooked the romantic dinner after all.  He shows Liz that one Ikea fight does not a relationship end and they settle down to dinner-- only for the makeshift table to collapse and Liz to utter the best and final line of the episode: "This gets me out of sex!"

Conservatives in love. It involves a lot of navy and gray.

Since this is an hour-long episode there are a ton of other storylines.  One involves Jack fighting his attraction to his mother-in-law (guest star Mary Steenbergen) as they visit the U.N.  Concurrently producer Pete attempts to coach Jenna for her live singing event, eventually figuring out that pain is her best motivation.  Finally, yet another plot follows loser Lutz as he's coached by his co-workers on how to pick up insecure women (hence the episode's title).  Jack's scenes at the U.N. are a lot of fun (they involve a totally-not-a-vampire Transylvanian delegate) but even better is a scene in which a desperate restauranteur tries to lure Jack and his mother-in-law in for a romantic Valentine's Day dinner.  Seriously, is there anything more terrible than those guys who stand outside restaurants and  aggressively try to get you inside?  This is why I hate you, Little Italy.

Though it's a bit overflowing, even given the extra half-hour, this is a standout episode of the show as well as terrific Valentine's Day viewing.  I was never a big fan of the Criss character, perhaps due to the casting of so-so actor James Marsden.  Plus it just seemed that a smart character like Liz would never sell out for a dumb (albeit loving) pretty boy.  But the real draw here, as always, is Tina Fey's portrayal of Liz Lemon, in all her self-deprecating glory.  The jokes come so fast you'll need repeat viewings to catch them all, and it doesn't get more Valentinish than someone getting shot with an arrow, as Jenna is during her moment in the spotlight.

Recurring Themes: Liz represents the Everybody Hates Valentine's Day masses.  And while they aren't technically shopping for gifts, Liz and Criss' trip to Ikea counts as Last Minute Shopping.

Valentine's Day Quotient: 3

See It, Skip It, Own It?

All of 30 Rock is worth owning, for the Valentine's Day episodes alone.