BACK TO SCHOOL BLUES

Full House

Season 3 (1989)

Full House is in the midst of a comeback, similar to the Boy Meets World renaissance that's currently occurring.  I’ve written about my ambivalent feelings for both of these saccharine shows before, but with a recent behind-the-scenes Lifetime TV movie and the new Netflix original series Fuller House, clearly Full House’s fans remain plentiful, just as they were back when the show was first airing.  There aren’t a ton of back-to-school themed sitcom episodes out there, so despite my non-enjoyment-bordering-on-dislike for the show I decided to give this episode a try.

We begin with D.J.’s first day of seventh grade, and Stephanie’s first day of second grade.  Now that she’s in junior high, D.J. will be at a different school than her sister, much to Stephanie’s dismay and D.J.’s delight.  D.J. and her best friend Kimmy are ready to dive in to their new mature existence as junior high schoolers, but things go predictably wrong for them.  The upperclassmen look and act intimidating and call them “shrubs.”  Their former classmate grew boobs over the summer. Kimmy and D.J. are on different schedules, so, in the episode’s saddest moment, D.J. is forced to eat lunch alone in a phone booth, pretending to talk to someone while really just calling for the time.  The coup de grâce is that D.J. is wearing the exact same "tan slacks and vest with white tennis shoes" ensemble as a dorky teacher.

I could relate to most of these scenarios.  My junior high and elementary schools were one and the same, so I didn’t have that culture shock feeling of starting somewhere new until high school.  However I did once wear almost the same necklace as my high school yearbook advisor (yes, I wore a lot of necklaces back in the day).  And there was a kid in my freshman class who seriously looked about 25 years old, while I looked about 12, just like a kid with a mustache who D.J. marvels at in this episode.  But I never did eat lunch in a phone booth. 

Traumatized by their first day of school, D.J. and Kimmy try to make up for their mistakes the next morning by slathering on makeup and dressing like 1980s hookers.  Of course D.J. is stopped on her way out the door by her dad and two dopey surrogate dads.  We are then subjected to one of the many scenes that make Full House so irritating: a heart-to-heart between Danny and his daughter where he babbles on and on against a backdrop of sappy music until D.J. sees the error of her ways.

Naturally there’s a happy ending, as D.J. and Kimmy embrace their inner selves, which I guess involves dressing like neon highlighters.  Kimmy gets her schedule changed so they can eat lunch together, and D.J. kinda sorta tells off the older mean girls (who call her a shrub anyway). 

Obviously the plot is mind-numbingly predictable and every time I watch this show Bob Saget and the bad child acting sends me into a near-rage.  Seriously, you can see the struggle behind the eyes of the various kids as they try to remember their lines.  The Olson Twins, in their shared role of Michelle, luckily have only a very small part in this episode, as Michelle is still in pre-school and therefore exempt from the back-to-school drama.  But Michelle’s few lines, meant to be oh-so-cute, are teeth grindingly painful.  She talks like a hipster caveman:  “Me cool!”  I won’t even go into the subplot about Jesse learning to golf (with a requisite gay panic joke thrown in for good measure).

The nostalgia factor is high, however, if like me you’re a child of the late 80s and/or early 90s.  I had more fun analyzing the décor and toys in D.J.’s bedroom than I did listening to Danny prattle on and on.  For example, there were posters of Janet Jackson, George Michael and Mel Gibson on the walls and at one point, as seen in the photo above, D.J. clutches a Pillow Person called "Window Rattler":

I also liked the teacher, Ms. Agbabian.  The very recognizable character actress who plays her (with the delightful name of Lucy Lee Flippin) does a lot with her few lines and facial expressions.  Too bad she apparently never showed up again on the show.  I wouldn’t mind a Ms. Agbabian spin-off, where she adopts Kimmy and they go on wacky road trip adventures together.

Back to School Quotient: 3.  The scenes actually set at school are pretty light, but enough to evoke that nervous first day back pit of your stomach feeling.  And a lunch in a brown paper sack makes an appearance.

Own It, See It, Skip It?: I find the majority of Fulll House skippable, save for a select few Christmas episodes.  This episode is no exception.