MADE-FOR-TV CHRISTMAS MOVIES

One of the things I love most about Christmastime TV is the relentless influx of made-for-TV Christmas movies!  ABC Family, the Hallmark Channel and Lifetime are the biggest purveyors of these seasonal treats, and the number of new movies seems to grow with each passing year.

While a big reader I’ve never cottoned to the romance genre, thanks to the predictability and formulaic nature of the stories.  And yet I am such a sucker for these made-for-TV movies, which, let’s be frank, are just romance novels, minus the sex and with a Christmas theme.  Watch enough of these and you quickly learn there are only about 5 basic plots, and even those can be boiled down to one essential storyline, of girl meets boy.

Here are my pitches for next year’s slate of made-for-TV Christmas movies.  Full scripts are available upon request for all of you television moguls out there!  In terms of casting, for the lead female roles, picture any former member of the original cast of 90210.  For the male leads, picture some unknown Canadian actor who once had a walk-on role on Scrubs.

Executive Assistant Under the Mistletoe

As a girl, Polly loved Christmas.  That is until both of her parents were killed by a runaway sleigh.  Now Polly cares only about her career as an assistant to domineering Rebecca Van Du Pool.  Polly spends her nights dreaming of replacing Rebecca as New York’s premiere interior design party perfumer, but spends her days fetching lattes. When handsome billionaire Geoffrey Jones, heir to his family’s mistletoe plantation fortune, hires Rebecca to scent his annual Christmas Eve Charity Drive, Polly finds herself working side by side with Geoff making bundles of mistletoe for the upcoming gala.  But a scheming Rebecca has also set her sights on their client, resulting in a Christmas party with more than one couple ending up under the mistletoe!

Guess Whose Fake Fiancé Isn’t Coming for Dinner?

Erin Chambers’ family never understood her or her decision to leave their cozy log cabin compound for the Big City.  Dreading her annual trip home for the holidays, Erin has hired handsome out-of-work actor Bryce McCallister to play the role of her fiancé and deflect her parents’ pesky questions about why she still isn’t married.  But when Bryce is stuck in an elevator, at the last minute Erin recruits Salvation Army bell-ringer Santos Tomas to fill in for her fake fiancé. Santos soon charms the Chambers Family and Erin finds herself drawn to the sultry South American.  But what will happen when Bryce finally escapes the elevator and shows up to woo his ersatz betrothed?!

Substitute Santa’s Second Cousin

No-nonsense city planner and professional orphan Margo Klausenberg is all work and no play, though she still secretly yearns for a family to spend the holidays with.  When Santa comes down with a bad case of shingles (caused by exposure to actual roof shingles), Margo discovers that she is Kris Kringle's second cousin and needs to fill his boots this Christmas!  Soon Margo’s office has been invaded by overly-helpful elves who are insisting she take up the family business, while her handsome co-worker Nick Frost (secretly the son of Jack Frost) wants to nip her nose.

The Princess’s Royal Christmas Wedding Ball

After unemployed Anya answers an ad in the paper for a job nannying for three precocious children, she soon finds herself swept off to the tiny European kingdom of Translomoravia.  As the castle staff prepares for the annual Christmas Ball, Anya bonds with the widowed king’s unruly children—and finds herself falling in love with their handsome older brother, the prince.  But a scheming duchess also has her sights set on the prince, culminating in a royal Christmas Ball with a matrimonial twist!

A Town Called Candyland

Arrogant reporter Miles has always wanted to be the country’s top reporter, but finds himself relegated to human interest puff pieces.  A blizzard strands him in the small town of Candyland, Ohio, known for its annual life-size gingerbread house contest. Miles finds himself slowly drawn into the townsfolk’s holiday rituals.  Local bakery owner and single mom to sixteen adopted children Sarah Plain also catches his eye.  But Miles’ scheming meteorologist girlfriend isn’t giving him up with a fight, culminating in a gingerbread bake-off that no one will ever forgot!

The 12 Days and 24 Nights of Karen Christmas

Brittle businesswoman Karen Kristofferson long ago chose her career over love.  On Christmas Eve she’s hit on the head by an icicle and when she wakes up she’s in alternate reality where she married her high school sweetheart and must now relive Christmas every day until she finally understands the true meaning of the holiday before the time loop loosens the fabric of reality and destroys time and space as we know it.  She also has to sing a solo at the local alternate reality Christmas pageant.

So there you have it!  Look for all of the above premiering on your TV screens starting early November 2016!

TROPE TRACKER: RAG DOLL, TINA TURNER & CLEOPATRA COSTUMES

One of the things I love about obsessively watching and re-watching holiday-themed TV episodes is that patterns start to emerge. Rather than fault it as a lack of creativity on the part of sitcom writers, I find these tropes oddly reassuring, as if all sitcoms take place in a shared universe and are linked by their similarities. Obviously most Halloween-themed episodes feature characters in costume. Sometimes the episode is merely a showcase for elaborate or clever costumes and sometimes the costumes are a mere afterthought to the storyline. Witches, pirates and vampires abound, but over the years I’ve noticed a few costumes that tend to crop up over and over again.

The first of these, which I've written a bit before in previous posts, is the Rag Doll Costume. We all know Raggedy Ann and Andy, whether from the original dolls or their various animated TV incarnations. They even have their own Halloween special, The Pumpkin Who Wouldn’t Smile. But despite her place in pop culture, Raggedy Ann can hardly be called part of the zeitgeist. She belongs to an earlier generation and yet she makes for a surprisingly popular costume choice in TV sitcoms (whether the costume is meant to be Raggedy Ann specifically or just a generic rag doll is open to debate).

The character of Ann Perkins wears a Rag Doll Costume in the first Halloween-themed Parks and Recreation episode. Ann is hosting a rather lame Halloween party and her choice of costume is obviously intended to echo the dorkiness of the event (plus the whole Ann Perkins = Raggedy Ann thing). Usually the Rag Doll Costume is used in this way, as an example of a lame or embarrassing costume choice.

The grandmother dresses as a rag doll in an episode of Family Matters, but she is the rare exception where the costume doesn’t have a negative connotation. For that we can turn to episodes of both Home Improvement and The Big Bang Theory. In both of these shows the Rag Doll Costume is part of a couple’s costume gone wrong. In Home Improvement Brad’s girlfriend convinces him to dress as Raggedy Andy to her Raggedy Ann, only to show up at the party in a totally different outfit, leaving him trapped in the lame ensemble.

 In a Halloween episode of The Big Bang Theory, Sheldon and his girlfriend argue over their choice of couple costume, resulting in a weird compromise of a Raggedy Andy-C3P0 hybrid:

Another costume that pops up a lot, but specifically on sitcoms with predominantly African-American casts, is that of Tina Turner. The African-American sitcom saw its zenith in the 1990s, which helps explain why Tina Turner was a popular choice (as opposed to now, when her place in pop culture has faded a bit). The Tina Turner costume also gives its wearer the opportunity to do their best Tina Turner impression, which makes for some memorable moments.

Those characters who don the Tina Turner attire include Claire Huxtable on The Cosby Show (and yes, I feel icky even mentioning The Cosby Show these days):

(Side Note: when researching images for this post the first one to pop up was actually from my own blog, which tickled me to no end.)

The character of Gina (center in the photo below) on the show Martin is played by actress Tisha Campbell, who is also an accomplished singer. She makes for an especially good Tina Turner impersonator, seen below in the center:

And finally we’re back to Family Matters once again, with Tina this time filled by the character of Laura, seen here with Urkel as Superman:

But Rag Dolls and Tina Turners pale in comparison to the prevelance of another costume: Cleopatra.  Cleopatra costumes abound in sitcoms from across the decades.  So far I’ve identified 7 different episode/shows that featured a character dressed like Cleopatra for Halloween, including Caroline in the City, Full House, Living Single and Two of a Kind. Denise dresses as Cleopatra in the aforementioned episode of The Cosby Show that also features Claire dressed as Tina Turner: 

The Cleopatra costume has even crossed over to reality TV, as one of the Gosselin girls chooses it as her costume on a Halloween episode of Kate Plus 8.

The most impressive of all of these Cleopatras comes, not surprisingly, from the sitcom Roseanne.  Roseanne is known for its Halloween episodes, and its portrayal of a Cleopatra costume takes the cake.  It’s worn by minor character Vonda Green at a lodge Halloween party in the excellent episode “Trick Me Up, Trick Me Down.”  Besides just being a really great costume with an especially colorful and sparkly headdress, what puts this particular version over the top is the rubber snake dangling from the bodice:

That concludes our look at some of the most popular Halloween costumes in TV Land. As I continue to watch and keep track I’m sure I’ll discover more. Little Bo Beep is fast becoming a contender…

FILM FOCUS: WHEN GOOD GHOULS GO BAD

The Fox Family made-for-TV movie When Good Ghouls Go Bad has long been on my “To Watch” list for many reasons.  It’s based on a book by R.L. Stine, the 90s horror maestro.  It stars Christopher Lloyd, of Back to the Future and Clue fame.  And, judging by the few snippets I was able to view online, it’s brimming with Halloween cheer.  Despite my desire to see it, it’s been a long wait.  It’s available for sale on DVD but I wanted to watch it at least once before adding it to my permanent collection, and it apparently never airs on TV anymore.  Luckily some kind soul put the whole thing up on YouTube and it was my first movie pick of the 2015 Halloween season.

I’m happy to report that it didn’t disappoint!  It never reaches the brilliance of Hocus Pocus (nothing does, but both movies both have “death by school kiln” scenes) or even the campy fun of Halloweentown, but it hit all of the holiday sweet spots.  The plot gets complicated, but I’ll do my best to keep recap it quickly: tween Danny and his dad move back to the small town that’s home to both Danny’s grandfather and the ailing family chocolate factory.  While Danny’s dad ignores him while trying to save the family business, Danny bonds with his fun-loving grandpa (played by Christopher Lloyd), who insists that everyone, even Danny, call him Uncle Fred.

Danny soon learns that Halloween is forbidden in the town due to an incident years earlier involving a Goth kid who was accidentally killed in the school kiln and threatened revenge if the holiday is ever celebrated.  The local football coach and his bully son fanatically enforce the rules, but a series of bizarre events quickly upsets the status quo.  In short order Uncle Fred is killed when a mysterious pile of pumpkins falls on him, then comes back as a friendly zombie to help Danny uncover why Halloween decorations keep appearing all over town.  Danny, his local girl love interest, and zombie Uncle Fred soon run afoul of a host of zombies and angry townspeople and uncover a conspiracy about the real events surrounding the infamous Curtis Danko’s death.

That’s about as concise as I can manage, and I’m leaving out a lot, including weird subplots about German investors, Danny’s dad’s own love interest, magical fireflies, a secret haunted house run by the local kids, an evil statue, and the list goes on and on.  The story isn’t the movie’s greatest strength, but it somehow all makes sense in the end.

Christopher Lloyd can bring gravitas to any situation or dialogue and he anchors the whole thing with a sense of fun.  There are a lot of interesting supporting characters, like Danny’s dad’s kooky secretary, the bully’s mom, and the befuddled mayor and his wife.  At first I was confused by Danny’s love interest, Dayna.  I thought maybe her dialogue was all dubbed, because something was definitely off every time she spoke.  A little internet research revealed that the actress is Australian, and she did a bad job trying to disguise her accent.  The result is a very weird, very distracting cadence.  The movie itself, set in small-town middle America, was shot in Australia but if there were other covert Aussies actors in the cast they did a much better job of keeping their accents at bay.

The Halloween visuals are plentiful.  One of the plot points is that elaborate Halloween decorations keep mysteriously appearing throughout the town, so there lots of shots of lavish holiday décor.  The kids also have the aforementioned secret haunted house, to which they smuggled all of the town’s banned Halloween stuff.  An orange Volkswagen bug even gets done-up as a jack-o-lantern and a very cool cemetery makes repeat appearances. 

What I wasn’t expecting were a few surprisingly profound moments thrown in amid the silliness.  The first such moment occurs when Danny speaks to Dayna after his grandfather’s funeral.  She delivers a beautiful monologue on how the idea of him decomposing in his grave is actually a beautiful thing, a return to the earth, and so on.  (It sounds better when delivered in her weird Aussie-US warble.)  The ending of the movie is also surprisingly moving, with the assembled zombies engaging in a beautiful danse macabre in the graveyard, slowly swirling into dust and clouds. 

Reading up on the movie afterward revealed a real-life tragedy linked to it.  The actor who played Danny went missing in 2006 at the age of 18.  He’s never been found after leaving a poker game with friends.  It definitely casts a pall over the proceedings,  knowing the grim fate of its child star, but as I said the movie actually has a surprisingly deep and nuanced view of death that you wouldn’t expect from a made-for-TV Halloween movie aimed at kids.  Perhaps it's due to the tragic circumstances of its star that When Good Ghouls Go Bad isn’t in heavy rotation every Halloween, but it has a lot going for it and is definitely worth seeking out.

BACK TO SCHOOL BLUES

Full House

Season 3 (1989)

Full House is in the midst of a comeback, similar to the Boy Meets World renaissance that's currently occurring.  I’ve written about my ambivalent feelings for both of these saccharine shows before, but with a recent behind-the-scenes Lifetime TV movie and the new Netflix original series Fuller House, clearly Full House’s fans remain plentiful, just as they were back when the show was first airing.  There aren’t a ton of back-to-school themed sitcom episodes out there, so despite my non-enjoyment-bordering-on-dislike for the show I decided to give this episode a try.

We begin with D.J.’s first day of seventh grade, and Stephanie’s first day of second grade.  Now that she’s in junior high, D.J. will be at a different school than her sister, much to Stephanie’s dismay and D.J.’s delight.  D.J. and her best friend Kimmy are ready to dive in to their new mature existence as junior high schoolers, but things go predictably wrong for them.  The upperclassmen look and act intimidating and call them “shrubs.”  Their former classmate grew boobs over the summer. Kimmy and D.J. are on different schedules, so, in the episode’s saddest moment, D.J. is forced to eat lunch alone in a phone booth, pretending to talk to someone while really just calling for the time.  The coup de grâce is that D.J. is wearing the exact same "tan slacks and vest with white tennis shoes" ensemble as a dorky teacher.

I could relate to most of these scenarios.  My junior high and elementary schools were one and the same, so I didn’t have that culture shock feeling of starting somewhere new until high school.  However I did once wear almost the same necklace as my high school yearbook advisor (yes, I wore a lot of necklaces back in the day).  And there was a kid in my freshman class who seriously looked about 25 years old, while I looked about 12, just like a kid with a mustache who D.J. marvels at in this episode.  But I never did eat lunch in a phone booth. 

Traumatized by their first day of school, D.J. and Kimmy try to make up for their mistakes the next morning by slathering on makeup and dressing like 1980s hookers.  Of course D.J. is stopped on her way out the door by her dad and two dopey surrogate dads.  We are then subjected to one of the many scenes that make Full House so irritating: a heart-to-heart between Danny and his daughter where he babbles on and on against a backdrop of sappy music until D.J. sees the error of her ways.

Naturally there’s a happy ending, as D.J. and Kimmy embrace their inner selves, which I guess involves dressing like neon highlighters.  Kimmy gets her schedule changed so they can eat lunch together, and D.J. kinda sorta tells off the older mean girls (who call her a shrub anyway). 

Obviously the plot is mind-numbingly predictable and every time I watch this show Bob Saget and the bad child acting sends me into a near-rage.  Seriously, you can see the struggle behind the eyes of the various kids as they try to remember their lines.  The Olson Twins, in their shared role of Michelle, luckily have only a very small part in this episode, as Michelle is still in pre-school and therefore exempt from the back-to-school drama.  But Michelle’s few lines, meant to be oh-so-cute, are teeth grindingly painful.  She talks like a hipster caveman:  “Me cool!”  I won’t even go into the subplot about Jesse learning to golf (with a requisite gay panic joke thrown in for good measure).

The nostalgia factor is high, however, if like me you’re a child of the late 80s and/or early 90s.  I had more fun analyzing the décor and toys in D.J.’s bedroom than I did listening to Danny prattle on and on.  For example, there were posters of Janet Jackson, George Michael and Mel Gibson on the walls and at one point, as seen in the photo above, D.J. clutches a Pillow Person called "Window Rattler":

I also liked the teacher, Ms. Agbabian.  The very recognizable character actress who plays her (with the delightful name of Lucy Lee Flippin) does a lot with her few lines and facial expressions.  Too bad she apparently never showed up again on the show.  I wouldn’t mind a Ms. Agbabian spin-off, where she adopts Kimmy and they go on wacky road trip adventures together.

Back to School Quotient: 3.  The scenes actually set at school are pretty light, but enough to evoke that nervous first day back pit of your stomach feeling.  And a lunch in a brown paper sack makes an appearance.

Own It, See It, Skip It?: I find the majority of Fulll House skippable, save for a select few Christmas episodes.  This episode is no exception.

TV'S GREATEST QUEER-THEMED EPISODES (1970s-2000)

It’s been a historic and particularly celebratory Gay Pride Month this year, given the recent historic Supreme Court ruling. Last year, in honor of Gay Pride Month, I made a list of the Greatest Queer TV Characters of All Time.  This year I decided to compile a list of the greatest queer-themed TV episodes.  Rather than rank them I’m going in chronological order to better show the evolution of queer representation on TV.  This list covers the 1970s through the year 2000, and one of these days I'll write Part 2, which will encompass the modern era. 

Please note that this list is NOT comprehensive—a lot of great queer characters, stories, and shows are not represented here.  These are just my personal favorites, and all are well-worth watching.

“My Brother’s Keeper”

The Mary Tyler Moore Show (Season 3, 1973)

Amazingly progressive for it’s time (and even by today’s standards), this episode of my beloved Mary Tyler Moore Show keeps its big gay twist for the very end.  Throughout the episode Phyllis is increasingly upset over the closeness of her visiting brother Ben and her archenemy Rhoda.  But just as Phyllis’ histrionics reach their peak (at one of Mary’s infamously disastrous parties, naturally), Rhoda reveals that Ben is gay and therefore they are simply good friends.  It’s the refreshingly casual way Rhoda reveals the info and Phyllis’ relieved reaction that make this episode a standout.  If only Ben hadn’t been limited to just a one-episode guest spot… Rhoda and Ben could have become the Jack and Karen of the 1970s!

“The Gay Bar”

Maude (Season 6, 1977)

I finally watched Maude from start to finish for the first time last year and I reveled in the show’s many progressive topics, but most of all Bea Arthur’s flawless, complicated portrayal of Maude herself.  True, this gay-themed episode is heavy-handed (as many of the show’s topical episodes were), but it’s also earnest in its intentions.  And Bea Arthur brings the funny, as always.  This episode concerns Maude’s efforts to combat homophobic neighbor Arthur’s campaign to close down a new gay bar in Tuckahoe.  Both Arthur and Maude end up at the bar, where, overzealous as always, Maude goes out of her way to bond with the gay patrons.

“Isn’t It Romantic?”

Golden Girls (Season 2, 1986)

Golden Girls is one of the most iconic gay shows of all time for many, many reasons (the women are all basically drag queens, for starters).  But aside from its camp sensibility the show tackled gay issues head-on multiple times (there was even a gay housekeeper named CoCo in the pilot episode, but he was—perhaps thankfully—dropped).  Aside from the episodes dealing with Blanche’s gay brother (who eventually got married on the show), we have this Season 2 episode dealing with Dorothy’s friend Jean.  On the heels of a breakup, Jean stays with the girls for a bit and finds herself falling in love with Rose—who is utterly clueless about Jean’s affections.  The scene in which Dorothy and Sophia explain that Jean is a lesbian to both Rose and Blanche is a highpoint:

But it’s the sweet acceptance and understanding that Rose ultimately displays that makes this episode something special.

“Killing All the Right People”

Designing Women (Season 2, 1987)

Oh boy, this episode deals with some heavy stuff and it does not have a typically happy sitcom ending.  But it does mark an extremely important moment in TV history, as the women of Sugarbakers Design Firm deal with the AIDS crisis.  Kendall, a friend and fellow decorator, comes to Sugarbakers’ and asks them to plan his funeral, as he is dying of AIDS.  Julia’s subsequent epic takedown of a homophobic client is the stuff of legend:

You’ll be sobbing by the end, though, as the last scene depicts Kendall’s funeral, a grimly realistic ending during the height of the AIDS crisis.  The episode is made all the more poignant with the knowledge that creator-writer Linda Bloodworth-Thomason’s own mother died of AIDS after being infected via a blood transfusion.

“Ladies’ Choice”

Roseanne (Season 5, 1992)

Roseanne Barr deserves a lot of credit for dragging gay rights issues out of the closet and on to our TV screens in the early 90s.  The fact that she has two gay siblings helped prompt her to introduce some of TV’s best and most long-running gay characters to Middle America at a time when it was still considered a big deal.  In this episode the character of Nancy comes out, much to Roseanne and Jackie’s disbelief (up to this point Nancy had been something of a man-eater).  Nancy is played by queer icon Sandra Bernhard and I love that she never sacrifices Nancy’s primary characteristic (her shallowness) in favor of her sexuality.  The show may be better known for the episode in which Roseanne shares a kiss with guest star Mariel Hemingway, but Nancy’s coming out in this episode remains my favorite of Roseanne’s many queer landmarks:

“Resolutions”

My So-Called Life (Season 1, 1995)

Last year I declared My So-Called Life’s Rickie Vasquez as my pick for the Greatest Queer TV Character of all time.  The show’s entire (and only) season is a wonderfully realistic portrayal of a gay teen’s struggle to accept his own sexuality and be accepted by those around him.  This New Year’s Eve episode (double points for being holiday themed!) is the pinnacle of that portrayal.  Rickie has been struggling mightily with both his sexuality and related domestic abuse up to this point, but it’s in this episode where he hits rock bottom—and finds help in the form of a sympathetic gay teacher.  Rickie’s story is heartbreakingly true to life.

“Woman to Woman”

Living Single (Season 3, 1997)

I will never stop proclaiming that Living Single is   one of the most underrated sitcoms of the 90s until we get all five seasons released on DVD!  This Season 3 episode involves my favorite character, Max.  Max’s college friend Shayla comes to New York for her wedding—but when she reveals she’s marrying a woman, Max reacts badly.  But the progressive twist is that Max isn’t upset that Shayla is a lesbian, but rather that she kept it a secret from her for so long when everyone else knew the truth.

“Homer’s Phobia”

The Simpsons (Season 8, 1997)

If I was ranking episodes based on merit, this one just might be my #1.  The Golden Age of The Simpsons brings us this gem of an episode, which never sacrifices the laughs while still managing some razor-sharp social commentary.  John Waters guest stars as a campy shopkeeper who charms the entire Simpson clan, but when Homer learns John is gay and fears his effect on Bart, hilarity ensues.  Homer’s attempts to set Bart on a straight and narrow path are particularly funny.  The gay steel mill scene is one of the series’ highlights

By the episode’s end Homer has a change of heart and mind after being rescued from some rabid reindeer by John.   The Simpsons would go on to have several gay-themed episode in its later years, but never any as funny or insightful as “Homer’s Phobia.”

“Gay Yellow Pages”

Ellen (Season 5, 1997)

Yes, the quality of Ellen dipped after her the character and the real-life Ellen came out, but there were still some great episodes in the show’s fifth and final season.  Take for example “Gay Yellow Pages,” in which a newly out Ellen Morgan tries to connect with the gay community by hosting a prideful party.  However she feels the pressure to be politically correct and only frequent gay-friendly companies, resulting in her hiring a completely incompetent (and scantily clad) gay plumber.  Ellen’s efforts to later hide the fact that she hired a (seemingly) straight plumber to undo the damage while in the midst of hosting her party makes for some great, frenetic comedy.

We’ve now covered TV’s early and awesome efforts to portray queer characters and storylines.  We've come a long way baby, and we owe a lot to these shows for breaking new ground and paving the way for even better, funnier and more poignant portrayals of queer life to come.