WHAT ARE YOU DOING NEW YEAR'S EVE?

Rhoda
Season 3 (1977)

While I grew up with the gospel of The Mary Tyler Moore Show, spinoff series Rhoda was virtually absent from our lives.  It wasn’t in syndication nor as popular as its predecessor so while I knew that Rhoda got married, moved back to NYC and got her own show I’d never seen any of it save for one depressing Christmas episode that was part of a Nick at Nite Christmas marathon.  Now four of Rhoda’s five seasons are available on DVD, allowing me to further explore the MTM universe (but still no DVD release of Rhoda’s last season or any of Phyllis).

Season 3 was something of a weird one for both Rhoda the show and Rhoda the character.  The showrunners had decided that marrying Rhoda off was a mistake (or at least marrying her off to the uninspired Joe was the mistake) so they spent this season splitting them up.  The character of Rhoda’s mom Ida, who originated on MTM, is also absent this season as Nancy Walker was off pursuing her own show (which failed, so she returned for the final season).  Divorce is depressing and Ida was one Rhoda’s best assets so Season 3 isn’t exactly a barrel of laughs.

I enjoyed this New Year’s Eve episode, however.  It follows in the grand tradition of The Mary Tyler Moore Show’s many disastrous party episodes, even if it doesn’t quite live up to them.  In this episode Rhoda plans on spending a low-key New Year’s Eve apart from her ex-husband.  Her efforts to avoid the holiday are waylaid when Joe reveals that he’s headed to a lavish party in Connecticut, so Rhoda decides to quickly throw together a party (at 5 PM on New Year’s Eve).

In this New Year's Eve party scenario I'm the old lady

Unsurprisingly the party doesn’t go well.  The only guests are Rhoda, her sister Brenda, a member of their weight loss group who brings his elderly mother, and two other friends (one of whom is played by always-welcome guest star Anne Meara).  Meara doesn't get all that much to do here save for wear a stewardess uniform and look glum.  Rhoda’s frantic attempts to keep the party going are pretty funny, especially a scene in which she does an enthusiastic, high-energy dance with an unmoving partner.  

Eventually Joe shows up, having ditched out on his party, and he and Rhoda quietly toast the new year together in the bedroom (keep it clean folks; nothing dirty happens).  One of the odder aspects of this episode is that in the final third the partygoers all don Halloween masks, which were the only things Brenda could find last-minute at the party store.  So you get scenes of Rhoda wearing a slightly terrifying clown mask and the infamous, never fully-glimpsed Carlton the Doorman wearing a Planet of the Apes mask, slow dancing with an elderly woman.

This picture probably satisfies at least one reader's weird fantasy

New Year’s Eve episodes are rather rare so I enjoyed this simply for its emphasis on the holiday.  While it never fully gels, there are some great one-liners and moments throughout, plus a dose of sheer weirdness.  And Valerie Harper, who had a rough year in 2013, is charming throughout.  Who wouldn’t want to spend New Year’s Eve with Rhoda Morgenstern?

New Year’s Eve Quotient: 4

See It, Skip It, Own It?

This quirky episode is worth a watch, especially for fans of MTM & Rhoda.

'TWAS THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Golden Girls
Season 2 (1986)

It’s obviously best to spend Christmas with your closest family and friends so in choosing my post for today I settled on the Golden Girls.  When I was in high school, bullied and closeted and utterly miserable, I would watch Golden Girls long into the night, putting off my dread of the approaching school day by escaping to Miami with the girls.  I seriously dreamed about being able to move in with Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sophia, living a life of leisure, sitting with them in the kitchen or on the lanai, nibbling on cheesecake and tossing around bitchy repartee.  It still seems like my idea of heaven.  The show really did help get me through some rough years and the characters really did (and do) feel like family.

The show offered up quite a few holiday episodes over the course of its run but this Season 2 Christmas offering is the standout.  It could be studied as a model of TV Christmas tropes but I mean that in the best, most comforting way possible.  It relies on the classic “everything goes wrong” scenario as the geriatric girls face various obstacles in their search for a merry Christmas.

Prior to departing to spend Christmas with their respective families, the roommates decide to exchange homemade gifts in order to escape the materialism of Christmas.  Dorothy receives a whittled maple syrup spigot from Rose, which she memorably misidentifies as a “carved brooch in the shape of a duck’s head.”  Blanche’s gift gets the most screen time and is perhaps one of the show’s best-remembered bits.  It’s a calendar called “The Men of Blanche’s Boudoir.”  In true Golden Girls style it’s very dirty and suggestive without really revealing anything.

Sophia checks out Mr. September

En route to the airport on Christmas Eve Dorothy and Blanche stop by the counseling center to pick up Rose.  What unfolds is one of my favorite moments of the entire show, a small instance that relies entirely on Bea Arthur’s brilliant facial expressions.  Dorothy (Bea Arthur) takes a seat by a patron of the center who earlier has been revealed as a pyromaniac.  He stares intensely at her and verrryyyy slooowwllly she notices, unsettled recognition registering on her face.  Bea Arthur was a comedy goddess, and let’s leave it at that.

Bow down to the Queen of the side-eye!

After this the tropes come fast and heavy.  Just as they’re about to leave, a gun-toting Santa Claus holds the friends hostage.  He’s a sad sack who’s forcing them to spend Christmas with him, but they’re rescued by Sophia (who was waiting in the car).  She casually snatches the pistol away from him and reveals it’s a toy.  They make it to the airport only for their flights to be cancelled due to inclement weather.  Their car breaks down, forcing them to run through the rain (sadly off-screen) and take refuge at a diner.

The kindly proprietor mistakes the girls for family and causes them to realize that their rotten Christmas doesn’t matter since they’ve been spending it with their surrogate family all along.   A light, unlikely snow beings to fall and Rose goes to the jukebox to play a Christmas song, but presses the wrong button, so they stand and watch the snow to the strains of “Surfin’ Safari.”

This episode is like a warm, cozy afghan you can wrap around you.   It’s true that it borrows just about every Christmas TV trope in the book, but it never feels tired thanks to the wonderful acting, lovable characters and hilarious small moments throughout.  It’s sad to think that three of the four girls are gone now, but it’s comforting to know that we can always spend Christmas with them.

Forever Golden

Recurring Themes: This episode is a trope bonanza!  We’ve got a Santa Crook, Unlikely Snow, a Blizzard/Stranded and an Easter Reference!

Christmas Quotient: 5

See It, Skip It, Own It?
Less of a see it and more of a “adopt it as a religion.”  The Golden Girls are your gods now!

A VERY BOO CHRISTMAS

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
(2013)

I apologize for my lack of posts this past week but living takes precedence over blogging, so since flying home for the holidays I’ve been spending my time wrapping, eating, socializing, decorating and enjoying the holidays.  But never fear!  I’ve also been busy watching lots of Christmas movies and TV.  Along with the usual favorites I’ve been mixing in some new shows, including this TLC special.  

A lot of digital ink has already been spilled over the pros and cons of this controversial show.  I haven’t watched it much but I’ve always found it surprisingly fun and a not-very-guilty guilty pleasure.  This Christmas special reinforced my sense that in terms of the reality TV wasteland you could do a heck of a lot worse than the Boo Boo clan.  Give me Mama June and her brood over the Kardashians any day of the week.  They may be crude and feed into some of our worst voyeuristic tendencies but their family dynamic seems rooted in a genuine spirit of love and togetherness.

This hour-long special packs in a lot of Christmas activities for the Thompson family.  Some seem more staged than others but the Christmas quotient is high regardless.  They decorate their tree (only to have their pet rooster knock it over), go shopping at the flea market, ice skate and decorate their front yard for their annual toy and canned food drive.  
As Mama June carefully points out several times the family was doing the charity event years before the cameras started rolling.  

Santa and Elvis go together like peanut butter & bananas

The charity event involves lots of lights and inflatable snowmen, with patriarch Sugar Bear dressing like Santa Claus and Honey Boo Boo dressing like Elvis.  When a visiting child asks her why Elvis she replies “Because I’m Santa’s helper,” as if that somehow explains it.  It’s genuinely touching when the family drops off an impressive amount of donated toys to the charity organizer and Mama June explains that they were inspired to help after being recipients themselves during some lean times. 

Another favorite scene of mine involved Alana (aka Honey Boo Boo) shopping at the flea market, where each family member was given ten dollars to buy presents (had the TLC paychecks not come in yet or was this just a reenactment of Christmas budgets past for the camera’s sake?)  Alana shops just like a normal kid, in that she ends up buying the most bizarre present possible for her father: two mannequin heads that hairdressers use to practice on.  The gift is charming in its sheer randomness and in both this scene and throughout the episode Alana comes across as a pretty normal kid, despite the cameras and craziness around her.

Sugar Bear + Mistletoe

Later the family preps for Christmas Eve, which includes leaving out cheese balls for Santa’s reindeer.  Alana seems to still believe in Santa, or at least is gamely playing along, but her Christmas Eve excitement is palpable.  On Christmas morning the family opens their gifts along with their Uncle Poodle.  Openly gay, HIV positive and hailing from the Deep South, Uncle Poodle certainly provides a much-needed alternative representation of gay life.  The family’s easy acceptance of Uncle Poodle is another positive aspect of this much-maligned show.  

When writing about Here Comes Honey Boo Boo it’s hard to avoid getting into the many social and cultural questions it raises, and hard not to take a stance either for or against it (though clearly I lean towards supporting it, or at least not condemning it).  In terms of sheer Christmas enjoyment however, this episode is a win.  It’s funny, chockfull of holiday cheer and appeals to someone like me, who likes nothing more than watching people’s home movies of opening Christmas presents on YouTube.  I can’t resist a peek into people’s lives and houses come Christmas time and seeing how everyone celebrates the holiday both differently and yet somehow the same.

Alana cradles a decorative Baby Jesus. Let the outrage ensue!

Christmas Quotient: 4

See It, Skip It, Own It?
If you’re looking for a late in the game dose of Christmas cheer you could do a lot worse than this surprisingly charming special!  I say see it and enjoy!

LIVING KRINGLE

Living Single
Season 1 (1993)

When my sister was in the 5th grade she started to suffer from insomnia.  My parents tried everything to help her sleep, eventually making the ultimate concession: they let her have a TV in her room.  True, it was my great-uncle’s ancient television and it only got a couple of blurry channels but this was a big deal, as my mom was pretty strict in monitoring how much TV we watched.  Some nights I was allowed to watch with my sister as she tried to get sleepy and I only ever remember watching two things.  One was the shopping channel (sure to help induce sleep).  Endless descriptions of faux jewelry (it was always jewelry) may not sound too exciting but TV in the bedroom was such a novelty that I didn’t care.  The other thing we watched was Living Single.

An ugly Christmas sweater before it was an ironic hipster thing

I liked the show then and I love it now, as it encapsulates 90s nostalgia for me but it also stands on its own merits.  It’s got a great cast and a very catchy theme song but even better it’s got this terrific holiday episode.  In “Living Kringle” sunny Synclaire (Kim Coles) is feeling the Christmas spirit, as evidenced by some truly amazing holiday-themed outfits that she sports throughout the episode.  Her harried friends and roommates, however, are less enthusiastic about celebrating the holidays.  Synclaire throws a tree trimming party but one by one they leave early, to pursue boyfriends and work.  

A depressed Synclaire takes off (leaving behind a detailed note on how to find her).  She ends up at a seedy bar where she bonds with the grubby patrons, including a down and out Santa Claus.  Meanwhile her friends one by one discover the extremely thoughtful Christmas gifts that Synclaire left for them.  Each gift ties into a happy Christmas memory they shared earlier in the episode.  Max gets tickets to a dance recital to remind her of her childhood role as the Rat King in The Nutcracker.  Khadijah gets a starfish for the top of her tree, Regine gets a Barbie Corvette, Kyle a homemade Kwanza gift and Overton a VHS (it was the 90s, remember) tape of his favorite Christmas special, “The Little Elf That Could.” 

The Little Elf That Could and an Overton that can't

The friends all rush to Synclaire’s side and join with her and the bar patrons in singing carols. There’s also a nice play on the “Real Santa Shows Up” trope when the Santa Synclaire has been chatting with disappears. She starts a speech about how maybe he was the real deal when he suddenly reappears, as he was just in the bathroom.  It’s a nice little fake-out that acknowledges the clichés that pop up in episodes of this type.

This episode is just brimming with holiday cheer.  It’s equal parts heartwarming and humorous, as it plays with familiar tropes while remaining original and entertaining.  There are a couple of great song performances (including a memorable version of “Sleigh Ride” lead by Queen Latifah) and references to just about everything Christmas-related that you can imagine.  There's also a great bit in which Regine smashes one of those musical cards that won't stop playing that Synclaire gives her.  It’s a shame that the series as a whole doesn’t get more credit (and isn't fully available on DVD), as this Christmas episode alone proves that is a show worth watching!

Crimson velvet vest-dress and giant jester Santa brooch: She's got the look!

Recurring Themes: Nobody Likes Fruitcake & A Group Sing Finale

Christmas Quotient: 5

See It, Skip It, Own It?
Own this one, as repeat viewings, just like Synclaire’s thoughtful gifts, are guaranteed to get you in the Christmas spirit!

SPECIAL SPOTLIGHT: THE ELF WHO SAVED CHRISTMAS

I’ve previously mentioned that I used to love watching holiday-themed reruns of cartoons and sitcoms on the USA Network in the days leading up to Christmas.  Among them was The Elf Who Saved Christmas, which I saw just once as a kid and spent years thinking about and searching for (this was long before things like DVR, Netflix and even DVDs).  For years I remembered it fondly but vaguely.  I could only recall a few things about this 1992 live-action Christmas special: a female elf, a giant mailbox and a vulture villain.  Finally a year or so ago and a fair amount of time spent googling the search terms above and I figured out the title (and it turns out my memory was somewhat faulty—the villain wasn’t a vulture but rather a witch named “Mrs. Buzzard”).  

But even after figuring out the title I was frustrated to discover that this obscure little special was only available on VHS and nowhere else.  This morning some spirit of Christmas compelled me to google it yet again and lo and behold!  Some benevolent soul uploaded the entire thing to YouTube this past November.  So it was with great excitement that I settled down to watch this happy piece of my childhood.

The Elf Who Saved Christmas is what I would term “delightfully low-budget.”  It has a definite DYI feel about it that ranks it just slightly above a video you and your friends would have made for an 8th grade class project.  Santa’s Workshop looks like someone’s repurposed house and his entire staff is made up of only 7 elves (and at least one is incompetent).  It does feature actress Jo Anne Worley as Mrs. Buzzard, but unless you’re like me and enjoy character actresses of the 60s and 70s that probably doesn’t add much.

The plot is a tried and true formula, as Christmas and Santa are seemingly in constant need of rescue.  In this case Santa hasn’t received any letters so he decides to cancel Christmas this year.  A plucky (aren’t they all?) mailroom elf named Toby sets out to save the holiday, discovering that a witch named Mrs. Buzzard enchanted his mailbox and redirected all his mail.  Toby’s belief in Christmas breaks the spell, the letters are returned and Santa sets out to deliver the goods.  

The villains found in this type of special always fascinate me.  They tend to be rather wacky and their motives vague; Mrs. Buzzard is no exception.  She’s a witch but dresses kind of like Mother Goose.  She apparently wants kids to be disappointed by Santa’s failed arrival and therefore misbehave, but it’s never explained exactly why.  Does she derive dark eldritch energy from misdeeds?  Is she part bird, part woman?  I think I need to write a Mrs. Buzzard fan fiction origin story.  As witches go she’s pretty down on her luck: her lair looks like somebody’s backyard shed with a crystal ball on a folding table and somebody stuck a tiny vulture stuffed animal in one corner (hence my years of buzzard/vulture confusion?!).  I think most of the budget went into building the giant mailbox... 

After Toby the elf gets sucked into Mrs. Buzzard’s lair via the enchanted mailbox Mrs. Buzzard just sits in a chair and half-heartedly cackles.  Seriously, she sits and plays with a slinky while Toby tries to escape.  I like to think that Jo Anne Worley was like “okay, I’ll be in this but only if I can sit for 90% of the time and play with a slinky.”  When Toby escapes Mrs. Buzzard just sort of sighs in resignation.  As anti-Christmas villains go she’s pretty low energy. 

The same goes for Santa.  When Toby calls the post office to check on the missing letters (which she waits to do until Christmas Eve, for some reason) they tell her that the mail was indeed delivered (but, as we later learn, subsequently stolen by Mrs. Buzzard).  But Santa says “Oh, they’re just trying to make me feel better.  Nobody sent letters.  Christmas is over!”  Santa needs some self-esteem!  I think he secretly was just looking for an excuse to skip the sleigh ride that year.

Despite my poking fun, I wholeheartedly enjoyed re-watching The Elf Who Saved Christmas after all this time.  I'm grateful that we live in this internet age where you can track down these obscure childhood gems and so readily evoke a sense of nostalgic holiday bliss.  You best believe that when Toby turned to the camera and implored the audience to say “I believe in Christmas” with her three times in order to break Mrs. Buzzard’s spell my voice rang out loud and clear!

P.S. While doing some light research for this post I discovered that there is a second special featuring the same characters, including Mrs. Buzzard, called The Elf and the Magic Key, also up on your YouTube!

FILM FOCUS: MIXED NUTS

I hope that a lot of you are already familiar with Mixed Nuts, but I suspect that it flies somewhat under the radar, despite being directed and co-written by the notable Nora Ephron.  Certainly it was neither a box office nor apparently a critical success when it was first released.  I was first introduced to it one Thanksgiving when one of my aunts played it in on the TV in the den that we kids were confined to.  As a kid the movie just seemed odd but as an adult I’ve developed quite the love for this zany and very Christmasy movie.

The ensemble cast is a veritable who’s who of excellence: Madeline Kahn, Steve Martin, Juliette Lewis, Liev Schriber (in drag!) and, in small roles, Joely Fisher, Parker Posey, John Stewart and Rob Reiner, among others.  Victor Garber even provides the voice for an unseen neighbor in one scene.  Since this movie came out in 1994 be prepared to spend a lot of it marveling at how young everyone looks (or how old it makes you feel).  

Mixed Nuts is an adaptation of a French film and it’s a farce in the grand European tradition.  It’s set (almost) entirely on Christmas Eve and mostly in one location.  I’ve always been a fan of this format, which relies mostly on character to drive the story.  I know when a TV episode is confined to a single locale and timeframe it’s called a bottle show, but there must be a term for a movie of this type as well?  

Anyhoo, the action revolves around Lifesavers, a suicide prevention hotline office in Venice Beach, California.  Steve Martin plays the beleaguered, nice guy owner/director.  Madeline Kahn is Mrs. Munchnick and Rita Wilson is Catherine, his two employees.  They are to be evicted by the New Year by their greedy landlord and are surrounded by wacky neighbors, zany clients and oddballs in general.  Mishaps, slapstick and mayhem ensue.  By Christmas morning there will be a suicide, a murder, a serial killer will be exposed, a baby will be born, a miracle will occur and everyone will find new love.

Madeline Kahn owns this movie in her role as the irritable Mrs. Munchnick.  Every single expression she makes and word she utters makes me laugh; she truly was a comedy genius and I wouldn’t be surprised if several of her best bits in this were at least semi-improvised.  I don’t get why her performance here doesn’t get more critical love.  Her character is trapped in an elevator for a good portion of the movie, and she utilizes several wrapped presents in an effort to call for help, including a sort of electronic keyboard-beat box thing, resulting in one of my all-time favorite scenes in all of cinema:

That scene just kills me!  Liev Schriber also deserves a shout-out for his role as a lonely transgender woman.  It could potentially have been an offensive, one-note part but he brings a lot of humanity, humor and sweetness to it.  His character even develops a romance with a very young Adam Sandler and, I can’t believe I’m typing this, even Adam Sandler is quite charming in this movie in a goofball kind of way.

I remember at one time being a little put off by a scene between Chris (Schriber) and Philip (Steve Martin), in which they share an awkward dance.  Philip is freaked out by Chris’ romantic attentions and does his best to physically distance himself.  I’m sensitive to gay panic (or trans panic) humor just because it’s so pervasive in Hollywood and also just so lazy.  However Philip is genuinely sweet and kind towards Chris throughout the movie, telling him to never care what people think of him.  And Chris finds love by the end of the film, so all in all it’s a very positive portrayal.

As far as the Christmas quotient, Mixed Nuts does not disappoint.  One subtle aspect of the film that I love is how the office is slowly transformed and decorated over the course of the movie.  It starts with a tree and characters (mostly Juliette Lewis) add decorations until it’s a Christmas wonderland, with lights, garlands and stockings by the fire. I like how the holiday creeps in.  I also appreciate a Christmas movie that takes place in sunny California, since all of my own Christmas memories are rooted in the West Coast. You also get Anthony LaPaglia in a Santa Suit, several Christmas trees, and a soundtrack that features some of the best Christmas music around, including a charming original song also titled “Mixed Nuts.”  There's even a beagle (or beagler, as Nick would say), which has nothing to do with Christmas but automatically adds 10 extra credit points to any movie.

Despite its welcome touches of black comedy this is a very tenderhearted film, featuring a cast of characters who are all damaged or dysfunctional in some way but kind and good underneath, drawn together by the magic of Christmas.  So sit back, watch, snack on some of those salted, smoky almonds (which we always have around during the holidays), and enjoy!

BERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS

Strawberry Shortcake
Season 1 (2003)

Being a child of the late 80s and early 90s of course I’m familiar with Strawberry Shortcake. I still covet a Berry Happy Home dollhouse of my own.  Strawberry is slightly less popular than some of the other 80s kid franchises and therefore has been revived, rebooted and remodeled several times over the past decade in an attempt to boost her popularity. She's kind of like Doctor Who; she keeps regenerating into new forms.  For reference, here is a side by side comparison of the original character and the current, sleeker and slimmed-down incarnation:

In 2003 Strawberry was revived (and thankfully looked more like her original self than she does now) with a cartoon series, from which this Christmas episode springs.  It has an extra-long running time, features several songs and a ton of characters with cutesy food names.  I have to admit I was pretty eager to watch this; nothing gets me more in the holiday spirit than Christmas-themed cartoons. It reminds me of those exciting childhood days when school was out and Christmas was around the corner.  Instead of trudging off to school I got to watch cartoons in the morning, usually reruns on USA Network. 

Strawberry in her 2003 incarnation.

In “Berry Merry Christmas” Strawberry Shortcake is obsessing over finding the perfect presents to get her friends, despite the fact that they show up and literally announce exactly what they want/need.  “I lost my COOKIE CUTTERS!”  “I love SUGAR PLUMS!”  This version of Strawberry was more than a little dim.  She spoke slowly in that irritating Dora the Explorer manner and constantly asked questions aloud: “What--should--we--do?”  Where--are--we?  What--is--happening?”  Clearly this is aimed at a very young audience (and gay adult male holiday bloggers, because I kind of loved it).

Ignoring their very obvious requests, Strawberry sets out with Honey, a self-centered horse, to Holiday Land to find gifts for her friends.  Holiday Land is the best part of the episode; it’s the sort of Christmas fantasy land I spent most of my childhood drawing, thinking about and trying to escape to.  One by one Strawberry figures the appropriate gifts.  She gets sugar plums from a Sugarplum Fairy, helps stop a crisis at a candy cane factory and gets cookie cutters in return, and so on and so forth.  

Somebody give Honey a  goddam saddle already

Ultimately a magic wind whisks Strawberry and Honey direct to Santa’s workshop where they chat up the jolly old elf and Strawberry randomly bursts into tears when he asks her what she wants for Christmas.  She and Honey make it home only to discover the snowballs they made as a gift for one of their friends melted and ruined all the other presents but—surprise!—Santa restores them, along with a gift for Strawberry (a quilt with her friends pictures on it).  Then everyone sings a song about friendship being the greatest gift of all.

Aside from Strawberry’s stupidity and slow talk, her singing was a bit painful.  She sings in this very childlike voice that isn’t very pleasant on the ears. But otherwise this was really charming, worth it just for the cute food-pun names and Holiday Land décor (such as an all-bell shop shaped like…a bell!).  It reminded me of a childhood favorite that I have on VHS, The Care Bears Nutcracker Suite.  The story is equally insipid but the backgrounds and images just scream Christmas.

Honey and Custard, my new favorites

I liked Honey, the vapid horse, who either asked for or suggested someone be given a saddle approximately every five seconds.  If I was a more ambitious person I would track how many times the words “saddle” and “berry” occurs in this episode, as I’m sure the results would be mind-boggling.   My favorite character, though, was Custard, the bitchy cat.  Custard told Strawberry that her singing hurt her ears, that she didn’t want any presents, and that she planned on hibernating from Christmas until New Year’s.  Custard don’t care!

Recurring Themes: Strawberry undergoes a Perfect Gift Search and the Real Santa Shows Up.

Christmas Quotient: 4

See It, Skip It, Own It?
Admittedly not everyone can stomach this type of kiddie fare, but if you’re feeling nostalgic or like cartoons in general give it a watch (it’s up on Netflix Instant).  Plus Custard and Honey make for a fun diva-bitch duo!

MURPHY'S PONY

Murphy Brown
Season 1 (1988)

I would trade a sliver of my soul for a full DVD release of certain shows: the final seasons of The Bob Newhart Show, Muppet Babies, Pepper Ann, and Murphy Brown among them.  Just the first season of Murphy Brown is available to own; it was released some time ago and apparently there are no plans to bring out more due to low sales and the expensive music rights involved (call it The Wonder Years Problem).  

Murphy Brown had one of my all-time favorite Christmas episodes, “Jingle Hell, Jingle Hell, Jingle All the Way,” from its third season.  It was briefly up on YouTube but now isn’t available anywhere, which is a crime against Christmas.  For now we’ll have to content ourselves with this Season 1 offering, “Murphy’s Pony.”  It starts out slow but gradually amps up the Christmas quotient, ultimately making for a moving and satisfying holiday viewing experience.

It’s two days before Christmas and Murphy Brown is her typical irascible self, absorbed in her work and indifferent to the forthcoming office Christmas party that perky Corky is attempting to organize.  Three children show up at the FYI newsroom with a letter for Murphy: their mother has abandoned them to her care.  Murphy plans a quick escape via social services but she ends up stuck on the phone all day and has to take the kids for the night.

Santa and the pony he rode in on

The kids are actually quite bratty throughout all of this, making it hard to sympathize with their plight.  They grab everything in their vicinity, dump ice cream on Jim’s head and start a food fight at a salad bar.  But when it comes time to hand them over to a social worker on Christmas Eve Murphy has a change of heart.  It’s a brilliant bit of acting displayed by the ever-capable Candice Bergen, as she attempts to speak but is blindsided by emotion.  Murphy ends up taking the kids back to her house, which she has decorated and outfitted with presents, a visit from Santa and even a pony for herself (since one of the kids earlier asked that Santa bring Murphy a pony).

Of course you know where this is headed.  Suddenly the kids’ real mother returns and sweeps them away.  Murphy gets her to accept a check before she goes (lesson: abandon your gifts for monetary reward) but nobody questions why she dumped off her kids in the first place, or even gets her to promise not to do it again.  Biology wins out over common sense, I guess.  Anyhoo, a depressed Murphy then takes her housepainter/houseboy Elton to the FYI Christmas party.  In a nice final gag, all of the decorations are Hanukkah-themed since Miles (who is Jewish) was in charge of decorating.

Merry Hanukkah!

As I wrote, this episode is something of a slow burn, with nary a Christmas tree in sight for the first half.  But as Murphy warms up to the kids Christmas creeps in, and the last few scenes, set at Murphy’s house and the office party, are genuinely heartwarming.  And this works as a Hanukkah episode as well, which is always nice.  Plus Elton sports a shirt version of Audrey Penney’s gift wrap dress, which is pretty awe inspiring!

This shirt is 100% Christmas certified 

Recurring Themes: Murphy finds herself in a classic Abandoned Child scenario.

Christmas Quotient: 3

See It, Skip It, Own It?
Go buy Season 1 of Murphy Brown on DVD in order to send a message that we need the rest of the series released!  But this Christmas episode is pretty solid on its own merits as well.

FILM FOCUS: WINDOW WONDERLAND

Back in November, when I was perusing the list of upcoming made-for-TV Christmas movies (as one does) I was particularly excited about the Hallmark Channel's Window Wonderland.  When I was a kid one of my chosen future careers, among architect, ice cream man and Disney Imagineer (which they put as “Engineer” in my junior high yearbook, thinking I just couldn’t spell), was window dresser.  I was inspired by Rhoda Morgenstern on The Mary Tyler Moore Show-- I wanted Rhoda’s job but Mary’s apartment.  

Creating elaborate holiday window displays still sounds like a pretty terrific job, though I don’t think full-time “window dresser” is really even a profession anymore.  It's all farmed out to corporate sponsors and celebrity guest window designers.  Even in Window Wonderland the heroine describes herself as a “visual merchandiser.”  

I have to admit that I only half-watched this movie.  I did a late-night Christmas cards cram session and watched the movie at the same time.  I would pause every time they unveiled a new window display and then just sort of listened to the rest while writing cards, only glancing at the screen occasionally.  My lack of full comprehension of the plot might actually jazz up this recounting of it, as the movie itself, I’m obliged to report, was rather dull.

Window Wonderland is, like every other movie of this type, set in New York but filmed in Canada and stars a mix of semi-recognizable D-List American actors and totally unfamiliar Canadian ones.  Chyler Leigh plays the female lead.  I knew and somewhat liked her for her role on the very short-lived spinoff That 80s Show, in which she sported a mohawk.  In this movie she looked lovely but didn’t bring the energy or magnetism that Autumn Reeser showed in Love at the Thanksgiving Day Parade.

The male lead was played by Paul Campbell, a Canadian actor, and he was one of my biggest obstacles in enjoying this movie because both the actor and the character came across super gay.  Which would not have been an issue except that the whole movie was predicated on his romance with the female lead.   I'm not one of those who says gay guys can't convincingly play straight roles, it's just that either he's gay and wasn't trying to play it straight or is straight and the director told him to camp it up for some reason.  It didn’t help matters that he was playing a window dresser with a fondness for outlandish sweaters.

Naomi Judd played the mother of the heroine and added a much-needed zing in both performance and character, playing a sassy, semi-Southern truth teller type that keeps critiquing her daughter’s makeup.  

Not even Naomi's red hair and facelift can rescue this movie

I can’t remember the characters' names so I’ll just called them Girl and Boy.  Girl and Boy are rival “visual merchandisers” who work at a fictional department store in New York (really Toronto).  When the head “visual merchandiser” quits unexpectedly they engage in a competition for her job, each trying to outdo the other with a series of Christmas-themed store windows.  Cute premise, right?  Of course their rivalry slowly morphs into love, as is legally mandated in every romantic comedy ever, and Girl eventually dumps her snobby boyfriend after overcoming her shame about her working-class family (poor Naomi Judd).  

Now here is where my half-watching causes me to get a bit fuzzy on the plot, because at some point it’s revealed that Boy sleeps in the department store at night so I guess he’s also poor and homeless?  He also wants to be a real artist and likes to paint.  After  both Girl and  Boy mess up their window displays they get fired and then set off an alarm and then do another window display featuring themselves just standing around and it turns out the kindly old window cleaner they’ve been nice to throughout the movie is really the store owner in disguise and he’s also in love with Naomi Judd.  Whew!  

Just look at the chemistry between these two!  And by two I mean Boy and his sweater.

Sadly none of the above was executed very well or with any real excitement, even of the kitschy kind.  Chyler Leigh’s character of Girl was really boring and, as I established earlier, Boy was distractingly gay.  At one point Nick wanted the movie to be a love story between Boy and his (also gay) snarky supervisor but then quickly lost interest when he realized it was meant to be a love story of the heterosexual variety.  The window displays themselves would have been the big draw here except both characters had a thing for minimalism, meaning the movie was running over budget.  So the few window displays we see are very bland and stark, a major disappointment, like the movie overall.

Movies of this type are a crap shoot; they all have alluringly cheesy titles and promise to deliver Christmas cheer in a major way but a lot of the time they’re pretty bad.  Only sometimes you get a diamond in the rough like Snowglobe or Holiday in Handcuffs.  This wasn’t even particularly very Christmasy, save the sparse Christmas windows and the not-gay gay Boy's sweaters. The characters also kept talking about having a “turdunkin,” a turkey covered in Dunkin Donuts batter, which sounded pretty amazing.  But then they never even bothered showing the turdunkin, in blatant violation of Chekov's golden rule: You do not tease a turdunkin in the first act and then fail to show it in the third.

DO YOU FEAR WHAT I FEAR?

Ellen
Season 3 (1995)

I like a touch of darkness mixed in with the sticky sweetness of Christmas, whether it’s The Nightmare Before Christmas, a sonorous rendition of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” (the most somber of carols) or a Christmas-themed Fear Street horror novel.  This Season 3 episode of Ellen fits the bill, perfectly mixing the brightness of the holiday with comedy and a good dose of the macabre.

Ellen is preparing for another Christmas with her parents and she convinces her cousin Spence to join her, warning him of the many annoying family traditions that await them.  Her parents, however, announce that they spontaneously booked a cruise for the holiday and so they’ll have to celebrate prior to their departure.  When Ellen and Spence arrive Ellen’s parents are already in their cruising clothes and rushing out the door, as their flight is overbooked and they have to hurry to depart.  They decide to have Christmas in the car on the way to the airport.

A very automotive Christmas

Despite her earlier protestations Ellen is miffed over the harried version of her family’s traditions (which includes carols, ambrosia and the opening of gifts).  Things take even more of a turn when she unwraps her big gift from her parents: a cemetery plot.  With her parents gone and a saddled with her final resting place she falls into a morbid mood, despite her friends’ efforts to cheer her up, which includes a visit from Spence dressed as a half-assed Santa. In one of the episode’s best scenes Ellen chases her bookstore’s customers away by throwing candy canes at them and reminding them of their imminent deaths.

"Ho Ho Ho! Santa says cheer up!"

En route to a party on Christmas Eve with her friends Ellen requests a detour, which ends up being the cemetery.  She finds her plot and then refuses to leave; her friends rally around her.  After convincing Ellen that her life is meaningful and sharing some egg nog and pfeffernusse the group decides to decorate the cemetery to the strains of “Linus & Lucy.”  The episode ends with a series of snapshots showing the cast goofing off amid the bedecked tombstones and memorials.

I've always loved this shot of Joely Fischer--gives me a Tim Burton vibe

This is a hilarious and clever episode that makes good work of Ellen DeGeneres' comedic skills, first via her attempts to downplay the weirdness of her Christmas gift and then later her holiday funk.  The supporting cast is great as well, especially Clea Lewis as ever-perky Audrey, who sports first an amazing gift-wrap dress and then later a sexy Santa ensemble over the course of the episode. 

If only all women dressed liked Audrey Penney! 

A young Jamie Kennedy (remember him?) also appears in this episode as Tad, the dimwitted extra holiday help at the bookstore This is the perfect episode for anyone who both loves Christmas but also likes a hint of bitterness to balance out the yuletide sweet.

Recurring Themes: Ellen does some Yelling at Carolers.

Christmas Quotient: 5

See It, Skip It or Own It?
Add this one to your permanent collection!

THE BABY-SITTERS SPECIAL CHRISTMAS

The Baby-Sitters Club
Season 1 (1990)

I teased this Christmas episode of The Baby-Sitters Club back in my very first Halloween post and I’ve just been itching to re-watch and write about it.  So let us now delve into this very special (you know it’s special because “special” is in the title) Christmas episode.

We begin with a perfect opening scene, set to the show’s insanely catchy theme song, featuring the members of the Baby-Sitters Club first gazing at  one of those awesome Christmas store windows seen in TV shows and then shopping at said store.  The store reminds of me of a now-defunct retailer from my childhood that was called simply The Store.  It was a sort of all-in-one drug store we used to go to during summer vacations at Lake Tahoe.  It was less than a department store but more than your average CVS or Duane Reade.  It had tchotchkes galore and, like my childhood self, the babysitters are loving it. Even better, the store seen in the show is decked out in a major way for Christmas.  

Not only Green Berets wear green berets

While at The Store Kristy falls in love with an expensive baseball glove, so expensive no one dares utter how much it actually costs throughout the episode.  They just say things like “very expensive” when asked and at one point Kristy whispers the price into her mother’s ear.  Seriously, how fucking expensive is this thing?  It’s like the Voldemort of baseball gloves: The Price That Shall Not Be Named.  Kristy’s mom says if she does chores to pay for some of it she might get the glove, so we see her doing chores throughout the episode.  A lot of chores, because that baseball glove is very expensive.

That’s just the B-plot, though.  The main story involves Stacey, who can’t stop eating holiday sweets despite her diabetes.  Dawn is extremely distressed by this and is all over Stacey every time she freakin’ takes a bite of something.  At one point they get into an argument and Stacey says something about “knowing her own body.”  It’s intense!  But Dawn is ultimately justified by staying on Stacey’s ass because Stacey has zero self control and can’t stop nibbling on cookies and fudge until she starts acting like instead of having high blood sugar she’s wasting away from some subtropical influenza.  Seriously, she acts so sedated she can’t muster the strength to read a Rudolph picture book aloud to one of her babysitting charges. 

Too tired for carols. So. Very. Tired. 

The day before Christmas the friends gather at a diner for their Secret Santa exchange.  This reminded me so much of many similar gift-swap lunches I attended during junior high and high school, at pizza joints and a local sushi restaurant.  Much jewelry from Claires, scented lotions from Bath & Body Works and those candy-cane plastic tubes filled with M&Ms were exchanged over the years.  Anyhoo, the red-headed babysitter, who barely speaks in this episode, is totally shafted at the gift exchange.  One girl gets earrings; another bath stuff.  And the redhead gets a round orange plastic figurine that we earlier saw one of the girls playing with at The Store.  “It squirts water,” says someone amidst the gift-opening flurry.  Someone gave her a squirt toy?!  There’s always at least one dud in every Secret Santa exchange.

Anyhoo, Stacey eats fudge and dies.  No, but she does end up at the hospital on Christmas Day, the same hospital her friends are conveniently at for a children’s ward party.  She gives a surprisingly well-written speech about how it sucks being sick all the time and ends up attending the party in her pajamas.  Kristy ends up giving her new, very expensive baseball glove to Ned, a really gloomy kid in a wheelchair whose parents we are told earlier are too poor to afford gas to drive to the hospital to see him.  Everyone is happy.  And oh yeah, baby Danny Tamberelli, in his pre-Adventures of Pete & Pete days, is in this episode as one of the kids the girls babysit for!

You're never too sick to smile

As if you couldn't tell, I love this episode.  The weird 90s fashions make it worth the watch alone, but it’s also very Christmasy and melodramatic.  There are a ton of Christmas decorations in every scene and I want to live in The Store.  But I do feel bad for the redhead who doesn’t get any lines AND gets stuck with a squirt toy.

Recurring Themes: Our first instance of Giving Up the Gift, in which a character really wants a specific present, receives it, and then gives it away to someone in need.  We also get a Group Sing Finale and a Children's Hospital.

Christmas Quotient: 5

See It, Skip It, Own It?
If only this was available to own and treasure for all time!  For now content yourself with seeing it and give thanks to Netflix for making it happen!

DWIGHT CHRISTMAS

The Office
Season 9 (2012)

The first Christmas episode of The Office is a real gem, and while the show offered up quite a few holiday episodes the quality dwindled with each subsequent season.  Dwight Christmas is from the final season of the show so my expectations were low, though apparently not quite low enough.  

My lack of knowledge of the later seasons’ storylines and characters also interfered with my ability to enjoy this episode.  Where is Kelly? Where is Andy?  Who is this random guy flirting with Erin?  I love you, Catherine Tate, but what are you doing here? Why is Jim leaving for a job in Philadelphia?  Angela was engaged and Oscar slept with her fiancé?!    Oh, Office Season 9, you disappoint me so.

We start with the staff of Dunder Mifflin suddenly realizing that today is the day for their office Christmas party, which apparently everyone forgot about.  I was instantly confused by this opening scene, as we get a shot of a paper turkey, so at first I thought it was November and the party was meant to be happening early.  But no, I guess it’s December and they just didn’t bother taking down the Thanksgiving decorations?  As a sort of parting gift for Jim (who is leaving for the aforementioned job in Philadelphia), Pam convinces the party planning committee to let Dwight take the lead and host a “traditional Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas.”

Hark! Belsnickel draws nigh

Pam and Jim have fully morphed here from likeable underdogs to sneering cool kids, treating Dwight’s heartfelt efforts and traditions as fodder for their mockery.  They even rush to make fun of him when they spot him holding a candle and reading aloud.  Maybe he has it coming after 9 seasons of annoyance but really? Dwight, normally the antagonist, comes across as the bullied do-gooder in this episode.  His traditions, rooted in obscure-but-real German holiday festivities, involve serving pig stomach and dressing as Belsnickel, a sort of anti-Claus.  As Belsnickel he judges each co-worker either “admirable” or “impish,” respectively resulting in either a gift or a thrashing with a bundle of sticks.  Upset when Jim leaves the party early, Dwight gives him a hard thrashing in one of the episode’s standout moments.

Yeah, I'm not really feeling this party either.

After Dwight loses his shit the rest of the staff reclaims the party, transforming it into a more familiar office Christmas party (and a somewhat melancholy reminder of the show’s former Christmas glory).  There are like three other subplots also going on; like the current season of Parks & Recreation this episode suffers from subplot overload, with way too many characters running around doing way too many inconsequential things. Overall, it’s a mixed bag.  Belsnickel adds some spark and there are a few funny moments but overall it just isn’t very festive—and that can’t be blamed on the pig stomach but rather a show that didn’t know when to bow out gracefully.

Christmas Quotient: Not even the final scenes, which harken back to the Christmas Office episodes of old, can elevate this past a 2.

See It, Skip It, Own It?
December is flying by and there are lots of quality episodes to watch so skip this one.