I am (somewhat covertly) a big horror movie fan, though my weak
constitution places limits on how and which horror movies I watch. Rather than see a scary movie in the
theater, I much prefer to watch them the way I did growing up, as reruns on
cable with the goriest parts edited out by some kindly network censor.
Watching scary movies on TV also gives you the handy option of quickly
changing the channel right before something gruesome happens, and then
switching back when you think it’s safe (often only to catch the tail end of
the gruesome bit--it takes practice).
I don’t go for gore or “torture porn” but I love me a good ole fashioned chase
sequence and a hapless group of sexy teenagers getting bumped off one by one. As Nick said the other night, he knows that if I like
a certain horror movie it must mean that it’s not actually scary.
Since the 1970s success of Halloween
and Black Christmas, moviemakers have
long mined the 'holiday + psychopathic killer = box office gold' formula. When thinking of a Valentine’s Day
slasher film the obvious choice may be My
Bloody Valentine (both the original and the more recent 3D remake). But again, I tend to opt for
not-very-scary slashers, so for me the cupid-killer movie that holds my heart
is 2001’s box office embarrassment, Valentine.
Valentine is one of those movies with a cast of somewhat recognizable faces, mostly culled from TV shows. David Boreanz is the biggest name,
probably followed by Katherine Heigl, who is only in one scene because **spoiler** she dies (this is not a spoiler because basically everyone
dies). Heigl later
publically regretted her involvement in this movie, claiming she hadn’t read
the entire script before signing on.
Knowing how apparently unashamed she is of her many other shitty movies,
that really speaks to the quality of Valentine. Even the movie’s director (who also
directed Urban Legends, another fun, not terribly frightening slasher flick I enjoy) has
publically apologized for Valentine’s
shortcomings. They can all say
what they will, but I still get a kick out of the proceedings.
There really isn’t a plot so much as a series of deaths connected by a
Valentine’s Day theme. The movie
begins with a flashback, in which a group of middle school girls help humiliate
a dorky boy at a Valentine’s Day dance.
Years later the girls are all blond (except for one, Denise Richards)
and sexy and living in San Francisco (which looks more like L.A. by way of Toronto). One by one the girls receive
threatening valentines signed by “JM,” the initials of the geeky boy from their past. And then one by one they get killed
off, along with a lot of other secondary characters who solely hang around to provide a bigger body count (seriously, was it really necessary to kill the maid?!).
The women fall into the usual horror movie clichés: smart one, fun one, good girl and the slutty girl, the latter played with some spark by Denise
Richards. They are less notable
for their characterizations than they are for the methods of their deaths—one
is literally shot with arrows by the cupid-masked killer. The movie’s most memorable death again
belongs to Denise Richards. It involves a sealed Jacuzzi and a power drill, and I'll leave it at that. There is also the single worst
fake severed head you will ever see in a movie. Not only does it not in the
least resemble the doomed detective it’s meant to represent, it’s clearly a
mask someone bought at a Spirit Halloween close-out sale.
It all may sound pretty bloody but the gore is surprisingly
minimal. I won’t spoil the ending
but basically there are two candidates for who the killer may be, and
ultimately neither really makes sense (I even watched the closing scene
with the director’s commentary this year and it still didn’t fully clear it up
for me). Amidst all the death is a
lot of talk of dating and romance and some odd sexual moments (but no real
nudity). Example: a creepy dude is
caught trying on his neighbor’s pantyhose before being bludgeoned to death with
an iron.
In terms of its holiday theming, however, Valentine nails it. There
are the aforementioned creepy death threat valentines. There is maggot-filled candy in a
heart-shaped box, red roses, and a heart-shaped sucker. The final third takes place at the
world’s most lavish Valentine’s Day party, with tons of decorations that
suggests a passion for the holiday that nobody seems to have in real life. The killer is also on-theme, wearing a
porcelain cupid’s mask. If you’re
one of the many anti-Valentine’s Day people out there, watching a bunch of
aspiring early 2000 starlets get murdered by a killer cupid ain’t a bad way to
pass the evening. Or, if you’re
like me, and like your horror fairly tame and intestine-free and can appreciate
a good-bad movie for what it’s worth, check out the movie or at least the trailer below.
I do still feel bad that the maid had to die though.
