THE MIRACLE OF THANKSGIVING

Full House
Season 1 (1987)

Full House is one of those shows I can really only stomach around the holidays; its particular blend of saccharine stupidity never appealed to me, even as a kid (and I watched a lot of stupid shows when I was a kid).  It does have at least one Christmas episode that I really love so I gave this Season 1 Thanksgiving episode a go.  

It started quite promisingly with dad Danny, the two slightly creepy live-in uncles and the three young girls coping with the family’s first Thanksgiving without the girls’ mother.  At first they plan on going to a restaurant but the girls are dismayed and vow to make the turkey and their mom’s perfect pumpkin pie themselves.  Heartened by their resolve, the men pitch in and volunteer to cook the rest of the meal.

White men can't cook

After a totally random Motown musical number in the kitchen all seems well as the family gets ready to feast.  However the uncles discover that the turkey is still frozen and un-carvable.  They stall, not wanting to hurt D.J.’s feelings, and throw the turkey into the oven on high heat.  Then two random women show up at their house by accident with a turkey in tow.  Danny tries to buy it off of them but Joey, who is really fucking annoying in this episode, gets his tongue stuck in a bottle and then a chair and scares them off.  The turkey burns and Stephanie drops the pie on the floor.  The girls flee upstairs.

I had the same look on my face as the woman in blue while watching this

All of the above makes for pretty satisfying Thanksgiving fare but what follows was painful.  Danny goes into counselor mode, first consoling D.J. (who says something about smiles being free so give them away) and then counsels Jesse when he freaks out too.  Bob Saget is extremely robotic and speaks slowly-as-if-explaining-things-to-very-stupid-people-and-it-makes-me-want-scream.  It’s all so painfully earnest it makes your teeth ache.  And don’t get me started on Joey, who apparently lives under the stairs in these early episodes  (upping his creepy factor by 100%) and keeps making trumpet sounds and announcing “The Miracle of Thanksgiving!”  He makes funny sounds; Michelle smiles on command, Bob Saget talks So. Fucking. Slow.  By the time they all got back to the table and finally carved the burned turkey I was itching to turn the TV off.

The Menu: Blackened Turkey, Stuffing, Vegetables, Yams & Mom’s Perfect Pumpkin Pie

Thanksgiving Quotient: 3

See It, Skip It, Own It?
The first half is pretty fun but the second is hard to stomach so either skip this one or take some Tums before watching.